Resources to help me make the child or childfree decision

Life is easier if you regret NOT having children.

Life is much harder if you regret HAVING children.

To give you an actual resource: The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri. She's a social worker and therapist that specializes in this exact issue.

The book is fantastic. It guides you through thought exercises and different considerations about having kids. I want to stress that she does not try to convince you to have a kid. She just helps you make an informed decision.

It honestly sounds like you already know what you want.

(Edit: wording)

I postponed the decision because I was afraid I might regret not having children (despite never having wanted them). Once I realized I would also definitely and repeatedly encounter feelings of regret for HAVING children if I did get them, I accepted that I shouldn't build my life around the fear of maybe having negative feelings. After that, it was smooth sailing through vasectomy and a childfree middle age.

For the record: I haven't regretted the decision, not once.

My mom's advice has helped me a lot in my decision. She's a mother of 5, definitely wanted to be a mother and is very fulfilled by it. Parenting was her great joy, and she was/is great at it.

You and your husband should both be about 80% sure you want kids. Any less and it verges on not worth it. Kids take everything you have. If you want them, you are so happy to give them everything. If you want kids 100% (no fear or hesitation about being ready) than you're underestimating how important and difficult a decision it is. A good parent does hesitate and consider if they're ready!

I am 7 months pregnant and I was also terrified to give birth! I'm coming around now, and feeling more ready. At some point, it's easier to go through 1-2 days of pain and just get them out. Honestly I recommend not researching it too in depth until after you make your decision, because it's like the smallest part of the process. Pregnancy is like a year, birth is one day, and then they're your kid forever.

Good Lord talk to your partner. Don't try to sub contact your evidence research for the fight you just had.

I don't think anyone reads books about this decision. You just sort of... Imagine the outcome, and decide whether you like that.

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People say when you become a parent, you dont have time to do the things you want to do anymore.

I suggest that you still do what you want to do, but the things you want to do change.

I still enjoy going to concerts, and hitting the bar scene with friends, but now I also like teaching my kid how to do things and watching him figure things out.

Yes they start out as crying poop machines, but they get much more interesting than that.

I just knew it would make me miserable to have to be a responsible person every day for someone else's sake. I live in chaos and I've made my peace with fucking my own life, but if a kid was in the picture I would step up, but I would hate every moment of it.

Talk to your partner. If you are lukewarm about having children, don't have children. And make sure you communicate your feelings to your partner.

Neither my partner nor I were interested in children. We like them just fine, but we enjoy quiet, the ability to pick up and go wherever we want with little planning. Of course we enjoy having some disposable income.

Children are people. By having them, you are dedicating the rest of your life to guiding them, teaching them, and helping them become decent adults. It's a decision that shapes all of the people involved.

If you don't think you're ready, you probably aren't. Maybe some day you will be. But that decision is between you and your partner - do NOT let society or other people in your life pressure you.

One of my brothers has kids and loves them. The rest of us are blissfully child free with zero regrets, and we never did "change our minds" as everyone insisted we would. YOU know what YOU want. And if your partner wants differently, that may be an uncomfortable discussion, but one you need to have before other human beings are involved.

Becoming a biological parent means you're causing on average 58.6 tonnes of CO2e released per year for having that kid (it's an order of magnitude worse in rich countries). Wynes et al. 2017

By becoming a biological parent, you're contributing to the biggest and root cause of making the world unlivable due to anthropogenic climate change.

I asked my mom how much I cost to raise. She said about $35,000 per year.

I figured over 20 years that’s a lot of ski trips, corvettes, grand pianos, surfboards, nice dinners, and home renovation projects. So I decided I’d rather have those.

How I made the decision: asked myself do I want to have children because that is what I want or because that is what is expected/wanted by others? For me, it was the latter. I have been incredibly happy with the decision, though I'm also incredibly fortunate and privileged to be in the spot my partner and I are in.

My partner and I had the luxury of me being in grad school as the "excuse" for why we hadn't had kids. Then student loans. But at a certain point that was unfair to us and our parents. My partner is an only child so her parents won't have grandkids. I have a brother who has kids.

Avoiding uncomfortable conversations and putting the wants of other people before yours is something we all do. However, doing that with bringing a whole living being is, in my opinion, a recipe for fucking disaster.

If you want kids because you want to, then you should. If you don't want kids because you don't, then you shouldn't. If your partner is on a different wavelength, you need to have a very adult conversation. The decision to bring a life into this world (especially at this point) is huge. This is also not a conversation to convince the other person you're right (this goes for your partner too).

I hope you are able to make this decision in a way that fits best for you.

Points wildly at everything around us

After battling with fertility for years, we were close to accepting to be child free and gave it a final try. So now I'm a 40+ parent.

I would have preferred to be in my 20s or 30s instead of 40s because the first several years children costs sleep and energy and when I look back my younger body would have handled it much better.

So my suggestion is: Make the choice sooner rather than later.

You have to be a bit selfish and think about what you want. Do you want kids? As a woman do you want to go through child birth? If these are things you don't truly desire and want you're going to be miserable raising a child, which won't be good for you or the child.

Also, if you and your partner are not on the same page here you need to be. You need to talk about what each other wants, and if you both want different things then you'll want to consider your future together because it might not work out.

Ultimately what you want and what your partner wants are both equally important.

I think people tend to know if they want kids or not. Reading isn't going to help you that much.

Most children aren't like that 90%+ of the time. I have 4 and only one really throws tantrums and that's usually after a long day out and they're over tired.

Having children can be one of the most amazing things you do with your life, if you want them ofc. It's really hard to explain just how amazing it is.

You miss out on a load of experiences for sure, but you also get a huge amount of experiences that you wouldn't otherwise.

Personally I didn't make the choice. A drunk night in my 20s did lol but I'm super happy with it.

I have misophonia and certain sounds are so grating and painful that it takes all my focus to disassociate from it and not give in to the rage. I couldnt imagine dealing with all the screaming and crying and still keeping my cool 100% of the time like I do right now. Better not to risk it.

Sometimes I think I would like to pass on skills or knowledge or help someone navigate through life but I could just write a fucking book and not subject another person to this bullshit.

Just imagine how much a child costs right now. Now imagine how much college tuition will increase in 18 years. Unless you're rich, you're fucking your life up.

I've known for as long as I've known that people have children. I've been open to the idea and possible discussion and doing my best if it ever happened to me. But there was no decision to be made in my mind.

Luckily I'm now pretty much past the danger for any foreseeable future.

Loving children is a good reason not to have them. I think it’s cruel to bring a child into a world of declining resources, opportunities, and environmental health, and constantly increasing costs, risks, and insecurity.

R/regretful parents made it easy to decide. Did not want to even slightly risk to end up like them

What helped you make the decision to be child-free?

https://www.worldometers.info/world-population/

That was 30 years ago, now it's only worse.

The sleep deprivation is way more of an issue than poop. My 9 year old woke me up at 3 in the morning, because she had a nightmare this was after the two year old decided she could only sleep in daddy's bed and before the 4 year old peed in her bed at 5am. I tolerate it because I actually want kids, but it is a lot of work.

You also have to consider any special needs/ behavioural problems that you or your partner had as a child, because a lot of those are hereditary. Not to mention they will get sick from all the childhood diseases and they're not good about holding their vomit til they get to the bathroom. I have been puked on several times.

Then there's the financial problems. If you're tall your kid will blow through clothing really quick. My eldest is currently wearing adult XS clothes. They don't eat much, but you'll end up not being very adventurous in the kitchen because kids don't eat nice food. If you are in the states daycare is pretty pricey. I know of at least one postdoc who quit her academic career because her entire paycheck wasn't enough to cover the cost of daycare. If you live up north, winter clothing is really expensive. In Norway, a set of wool underwear will cost over 40 USD and you're talking about the same for a cheap set of winter boots and about 100 USD for a snowsuit. These need to be replaced often.

All of this is worth it if you want kids. But you need to talk to your partner. If you don't agree on weather or not you want children then you need to end things, because either way one of you will grow to resent the other. I've seen it happen many times either you are forced to give up your life for 18 years or he's forced to give up on starting a family. Neither of those things are fair. I could give you articles but they're all basically people's opinions anyway. And the decision needs to be based on what you want for your life, not what someone else thinks.

I would recommend lurking in the Regretful Parents subreddit.

I don’t think any first time parent is ever going to be ready. If birthing is a fear you have, go for a c-section instead.

Kids are also very different from one another. Tantrums are not commonplace, it depends how you approach your kid when it is sad, upset etc.

PS: sorry for not linking you any articles. Choose whatever you feel works for you and your partner :)