As his trans daughter struggles, a father pushes past his prejudice. ‘It was like a wake-up.’
As his trans daughter struggles, a father pushes past his prejudice. ‘It was like a wake-up.’
Dusty Farr is fighting for his transgender daughter's right to use the girls' bathroom at her Missouri high school.
Dusty Farr is fighting for his transgender daughter's right to use the girls' bathroom at her Missouri high school.
Before his transgender daughter was suspended after using the girls’ bathroom at her Missouri high school. Before the bullying and the suicide attempts. Before she dropped out.
Before all that, Dusty Farr was — in his own words — “a full-on bigot.” By which he meant that he was eager to steer clear of anyone LGBTQ+.
Now, though, after everything, he says he wouldn’t much care if his 16-year-old daughter — and he proudly calls her that — told him she was an alien. Because she is alive.
“When it was my child, it just flipped a switch,” says Farr, who is suing the Platte County School District on Kansas City’s outskirts. “And it was like a wake-up.”
Farr has found himself in an unlikely role: fighting bathroom bans that have proliferated at the state and local level in recent years. But Farr is not so unusual, says his attorney, Gillian Ruddy Wilcox of the American Civil Liberties Union of Missouri.
“When it was my child, it just flipped a switch,” says Farr, who is suing the Platte County School District on Kansas City’s outskirts. “And it was like a wake-up.”
I'm really happy for his daughter to have the support of her father like this, but it disgusts me that people like him don't understand bigotry until it happens to someone they care about. And there are so many millions like him who will never encounter it happening to anyone they care about.
A little further down the article goes into more detail about his turn around.
They bumped heads and argued, their relationship strained. In desperation, he turned to God, poring through the Bible, questioning teachings that he once took at face value that being transgender was an abomination. He prayed on it, too, replaying her childhood in his mind, seeing feminine qualities now that he had missed.
Then it hit him. “She’s a girl.”
“I got peace from God. Like, ‘This is how your daughter was born. I don’t make mistakes as God. So she was made this way. There’s a reason for it.’”
Regardless of how he got there, I am glad he did. His daughter's words say it best.
“There was this electricity in me that was just, it felt like pure joy. Just seeing someone I thought would never support me, just being one of my biggest supporters,”
Yeah dude I'm usually against forced drugging but some people literally need to be tied down, fed molly, and made to watch Titanic or something to kickstart their empathy drives. Maybe Sophie's Choice...idk I haven't seen it because I have the opposite problem.
They'd root for the iceberg and the Nazis. Because again, it wouldn't be happening to anyone they care out. Of course, the biggest problem is the only person they care about is themselves. They'd have to go through a scenario like the first segment of Twilight Zone: The Movie if we would have even a hope of getting them to have any empathy.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twilight_Zone:_The_Movie#Segment_one
I haven't seen it because I have the opposite problem.
I can relate to that. I'm one of those people who won't even squash bugs, and even heavy-handed, poorly written emotional moments in movies can make me tear up because I'll inevitably find something in there that speaks to me. Shits wild compared to my friends and family
Yeah this isn't heartwarming at all. I feel sorry for people like him.
Kin selection is a hell of a drug.
A critical lack of empathy.
I think this whole bathroom thing is just stupid. While I don't really care who is shitting in the stall next to me, apparently some people do, but I think there's a pretty simple solution: replace stalls with water closets. I mean, nobody likes the stalls. No one prefers them, and the total lack of privacy they provide is why bathrooms are gendered in the first place. Replace stalls with water closets, everyone gets their privacy, bathrooms don't have to be gendered anymore, problem solved.
This is a logical compromise that seemingly stopped the issue at its source, I would be fine with this change personally. But i guarantee it will not shut them up, because at the end of the day it not about privacy it’s about keeping things the same because “things worked just fine before all this trans stuff started happening” and any change is therefore a loss for their side
But i guarantee it will not shut them up,
You are correct. This has been a thing in the UK where self contained toilets are quite common and the transphobes just make up some shit about how if they let men in use the same ones as women, then they can sneak hidden cameras in there. So they have tried to force places that have always used these toilets, for practical reasons, not even inclusively reasons, to designate seperate male and female toilets.
Since conservatism has run out of governing ideas all they have are wedges - anything to get the workers to fight each other instead of focusing their anger on the rich.
If it's not toilets they'll think of something else, like stopping transpeople (and eventually women) from teaching in schools. Iran already blocks people of certain religions doing so, so this is not unimaginable.
I took my parents to this restaurant that has all gender bathrooms. They were weirded out till they saw it was literally a hallway with doors to private, individual bathroom stalls with a toilet and sink. It's been drilled into them that all gender bathrooms are just a big open piss room where everyone whips out their bits in front of each other
This is how a big number of toilets is in Sweden.
Just use mixed gender bathrooms for everyone. We have them here and they seem to work mostly well.
That or animal shithouse
This. Stalls are cramped and not great anyways. I really don't care who has been in the stall as long as it's clean and I have privacy.
This is why Harvey Milk made everyone come out to their parents. It's unfortunate, but the only way some people are able to experience empathy is through directly knowing someone. Being out and proud is activism ... of course that doesn't come without risk.
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Ah yes, another classic example of "its bad until it personally affected me, only then did i realize other people exist and have feelings"
At least he went that route instead of other bigoted parents who actively drive their kids to self-harm/suicide and never learn this lesson.
I'm not crying you're... nah I'm crying.
I really don't care what it takes for people to finally open their eyes and minds as long as it happens. This father could've very easily not accepted his daughter, but he did. Not only did he accept his daughter, he admitted to himself that he was wrong his entire life. It doesn't matter how he was in the past, we should not judge him for it. He knows what he did and who he was, he will beat himself up over it enough and doesn't need anyone else to help him with that. We should celebrate this man.
People who have awakenings like that later in life are very valuable allies. They can speak to segments of the population that we can't and I am very happy to have someone like him on our side.
Same. It's unbelievably frustrating that there are so many people who don't care until it impacts their lives, but there are also plenty of trans kids who end up closeted, homeless, or dead because their families won't change no matter what. I'll take this guy supporting his kid over that any day. I want people to know that changing their mind is good and welcome. Hopefully that'll make it more likely and more kids will be safe.
I agree, it is incredibly frustrating but people learn at different paces and in different ways. Some people can only learn from hands-on learning and first-hand experiences.
People who have awakenings like that later in life are very valuable allies. They can speak to segments of the population that we can't and I am very happy to have someone like him on our side.
Yep, and people that have done the work to rethink their preconceived notions are very helpful in helping others along. Speaking as a trans person, there is a lot of stupid, painful and upsetting questions that even well-intentioned people ask when they are learning about trans people.
Speaking as a trans person, there is a lot of stupid, painful and upsetting questions that even well-intentioned people ask when they are learning about trans people.
Yup 100%, I know that all too well. It can be hard to deal with, especially at first, but it's worth doing. Much more than just assuming bad intentions and that they're just hateful people.
Ignorance ≠ Hate
Not only did he accept his daughter, he admitted to himself that he was wrong his entire life.
No he didn't. He admitted he was interpreting "God's word" wrong his entire life. What happens when his interpretation changes again?
In desperation, he turned to God, poring through the Bible, questioning teachings that he once took at face value that being transgender was an abomination. He prayed on it, too, replaying her childhood in his mind, seeing feminine qualities now that he had missed.
Then it hit him. “She’s a girl.”
“I got peace from God. Like, ‘This is how your daughter was born. I don’t make mistakes as God. So she was made this way. There’s a reason for it.’”
I'm really proud of him that when something actually impacted him directly he found something resembling empathy to turn around his years of bigotry.
It's really heartwarming that having his daughter suffer through suspension, bullying, and suicide attempts was finally enough to do what having an open mind, not closing yourself off from facts that challenge your worldview, and basic human empathy could have done if he were capable of any of those things.
I wonder if he gives a shit even today about the people his former views harmed, or if his concern goes only as far as ensuring his daughter is OK.
Must be fun having all his friends call him a groomer now instead of him joining them in calling other parents of trans kids groomers.
“Given the way I was raised, a conservative fire and brimstone Baptist, LGBTQ is a sin, you’re going to hell. And these were things, unfortunately, that I said to my daughter,” Farr says. “I’m kind of ashamed to say that.”
They bumped heads and argued, their relationship strained. In desperation, he turned to God, poring through the Bible, questioning teachings that he once took at face value that being transgender was an abomination. He prayed on it, too, replaying her childhood in his mind, seeing feminine qualities now that he had missed.
Then it hit him. “She’s a girl.”
“I got peace from God. Like, ‘This is how your daughter was born. I don’t make mistakes as God. So she was made this way. There’s a reason for it.’”
So it was really just "God says you will burn in hell" flipped somehow to "God says you are OK because He made you like this."
Fuck, I guess a little progress is good no matter how fucked up the reasoning is. (Edit: She should hope that God doesn't flip flop again and tell him something different tomorrow.)
Religion is a mental disorder.
I wish we didn't feel the need to celebrate this. loving your child and fighting for them seems like the bare minimum. I get the bar is in the basement, but it feels similar to the pick me men who think they should be put on a pedestal for simply not sexually harassing women.
Fr. What is up with the "Look at how good of a man I am because I'm not as big of a douche as the other men" crap? It is the male equivalent of "pick me!"
Rooting for them. Hopefully his daughter can tell him about what that punisher hat means in day to day life.
That corrupt people using positions of power to harm others should be brutally murdered in the streets? That's what I got from the books. Maybe most people who use that symbol have read different books though, they do seem to have gotten a different message.
Yep, it has strayed wildly to very a libertarian icon. Punish the oppressed. For those who don't know, it is essentially a white supremacy dogwhistle now. It sits alongside the Gasden flag and the thin blue line in lieu of the Nazi flag and or the confederacy cowards flag.
"Heroic man stops being a bigot when something affects him personally".
Stunning and brave.
Permanently Deleted
Pulling people out of old harmful beliefs is important. Growth is important. Sure he doesn't get a free pass for things hes said or done but after reading the whole article it seems like he is the last person you'd have to say that to. Im sure he knows. No ones immune to propaganda, that's not an excuse but it is true.
Dad went to Farr, now he’s woke. /s
This is not a feel-good story. Stop clapping when evil stops being evil. It has now accomplished the bare minimum, and sort of for incorrect reasons.
Rewarding good behavior by telling them they should have been good sooner or to begin with, is dumb and counterproductive. If you want change, you need to support recent converts. Help them, don't chastise them.
If you read the article you'll see that although he credits god for his change of heart, he also began to question a lot of things he read in the bible. Credit where credit is due. This man chose to open his eyes even as it shook the foundations of his core.
Regardless of how or why he got there, I am just glad he did.
The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is today.
I might agree we should be measured in our praise, but people are people and this is often what progress looks like.
I will commend him for diving into the debate in a very public way. Many people in his situation would stop after "un-hating" their own child. This hints at an actual expansion of his circle of empathy.
Thumbnail pic makes it look like she has a weird flattop/mullet haircut going on lol
It's just a strand of hair getting swept back by the wind, though
I hate people like him, his still a big got in all other topics which his daughter is not having problems with.
You see something you hate. I see an opening for further change. Converting lifelong bigots is a tall order. You can't expect it to be fast or easy.