Is my girlfriend gaslighting me? (Edit: No, she is not gaslighting me, but may have some other issues.)

I don't think it's gaslighting. Gaslighting is manipulating someone into questioning their perception of reality. This is being angry at someone.

I can't really relate. Is it really that dangerous where you live? We probably live in different countries but I don't have CCTV in the residential area where I live. And usually in the summer, it's still bright enough at 10pm an people are still around and it's safe enough for women to walk home alone. At least in most places.

If I was actually kidnapped, would you kill the guy for me?

This is a pretty massive red flag right here, IMO. I wouldn't stick around any person that asks this question. If a person is kidnapped there are like a million other steps you can take that lead to the kidnapper rotting in jail and the victim's SO not being put in jail for murder.

None of that is gaslighting. However, it's a red flag.

You know, the usual.

I'm sure it's been said already, but there is nothing usual about what you described. She sounds unstable and you should reconsider this relationship.

But to be pedantic, nothing about what you described sounds even remotely like gaslighting.

She is emotionally abusing you.

1. She needs therapy.
2. If she doesnt get therapy, sadly, the relationship needs to end. In this situation, be prepared to get a restraining order.

I know I'm in the wrong for missing her text

You are not.

Source: 20 years of a successful marriage.

Your partner has some issues she seems to need to work through. Entertaining her delusions probably won't help her.

"What would you do if you found out that I was gone?", "What would you do if the CCTV on our street is broken by chance?", "What would you tell my mother if I went missing?", "If I was actually kidnapped, would you kill the guy for me?"

You know, the usual.

Are you ok? Blink twice if you're ok

The bitch is crazy, get rid of her asap

Yeah, this is seriously manipulative. I actually wouldn't consider it gaslighting per se, which is a much more specific thing where a person is trying to make you think you're losing your mind. This is just bog-standard manipulative behavior.

As someone who is in a long-term relationship with a partner who struggled with these kind of issues when we met...

She has to be willing to understand this is a problem, and even if her fears are justified, she needs help, because berating you and being manipulative by asking super loaded questions (especially in the middle of the night, wtf. she needs some work on boundaries, too) is in no way shape or form a normal or healthy aspect of any functioning relationship.

Be ready to accept that sometimes things like manipulative behavior come from things like fears of abandonment. It doesn't make them okay, but it should give us pause and consider that people aren't doing it because they want to hurt us. It took me a while to understand my partner was doing things that pushed me away because she was scared of losing me, because it's totally backwards in my mind. It just means you have to consider the possibility that this isn't because she's selfish, but actually potentially dealing with other kinds of mental health issues. She still needs to work on it, and she still needs help for it, but please have a little compassion.

Be willing to go to counseling with her if you want to try to make it work, but she has to be able to see what she has done, show sincere regret, and want to change. It can take time, and everyone deserves that chance, but only if they're willing to put in the work.

If she's unable or unwilling to accept how hurtful and manipulative what she did was, and that she at the very least needs counseling, then you need to consider ending it.

EDIT: I should be clear that "putting in the work" means up to and including: getting a mental health diagnosis, getting medication, getting a psychiatrist, getting a counselor whose field is focused on helping people with specifically this diagnosis, and then working through their problems.

the usual? what the fuck kind of people have you dated so far that asking a series of gone girl fantasy questions in the middle of the night acting like Kathy Bates from Misery is usual?

My question is, am I really responsible if someone kidnaps her between getting off the Uber and getting into our apartment complex?

Only if you were involved in the kidnapping, like paying them to do it.

Is she trying to guilt trip me into thinkg her anger is justified or am I really a horrible, kidnap-facillitating bad person for missing a few texts?

She is trying to guilt trip you for missing her text by using emotionally ever the top hyperbole which is not gaslighting. Gaslighting requires intentionally lying about something that did not happen to make you question your own experience.

This is absolutely manipulative.

Whether she realizes it or not, refusing to engage or talk about it, except in her own time frame- is not a good sign for a healthy relationship, and when she did decide to talk about it, put you into a compromised position- being unable to think clearly.

The questions she’s asking are meant to elicit fear and massive guilt. Though to be blunt, I’m going to assume there’s no real danger of any of that happening, I assume the neighborhood is fairly safe. Because usually it is.

As for what you’d do…? Call the cops. Duh. You (probably) don’t have the resources to find any one and kill them, and besides which, if she’s really asking that you do, uhm… dodge that bullet.

Your girlfriend is an immature child and manipulative.

You can't make somebody like that happy. It won't get better either. You can try reason with her but maturity issue will prevent her from out growing it.

She will need a few more boyfriends if she is ever to to learn why this clown behavior is no good.

Abandon ship, my dude.

If she consistently behaves like this when you make a mistake, then you are being emotionally abused.

Run.

Fucking run, bro.

I'll add to the chorus. No, by definition this isn't gas lighting, but the behaviour is extreme and no less concerning. I'll not try to give amateur psychological diagnosis over the internet like some here are apparently willing to do, but you don't need that to know that she's acting in a really fucked up way.

I wouldn't say you were "in the wrong" for missing her text, I mean, you missed it, it's not like you chose to do that, but I can see why from her perspective it felt temporarily frightening and it made her angry to be put in that situation (I'm assuming she was just frightened and that that's justified where you guys live, because where I am, her request is strange in the first place and getting mad about it not being fulfilled is ludicrous). How she's dealt with those unpleasant, but temporary emotions that had a perfectly reasonable explanation and resulted in no actual harm is unreasonable, unfair and ridiculous.

The questions themselves are as manipulative as they are pointless. "What would you tell my mother?" I hardly think that's a particularly important consideration "she's been kidnapped" probably, since that's what's happened in this scenario, the question is not asked to get an answer, it's asked to maximise guilt because she thinks it's your fault if some psychopath kidnaps her. The subsequent questions likewise are selfish questions to ask because realistic answers are implicitly unacceptable, she just wanted debasement and contrition. If the CCTV is broken then the police, who would be the ones investigating this, would have their investigation compromised, there'd be little you or anyone could do about that hence asking because she wants some kind of super hero saves the princess type of answer or for you to have no answer so she can pounce. She's extracting false or unrealistic promises on purpose as a kind of emotional salve. The worst and most concerning of all is the request that you kill someone for her, this is real life, not John Wick. I can only assume and hope that she doesn't really actually believe you'd do any of this nor really want it and it's just part of this stupid punishment where you've got to promise the moon over and over until she feels you've made an idiot if yourself for long enough. If she really is sincere about that request and wants to bring it up again in any serious capacity that really would be time to leave because the fact that she has a manipulative streak and is now apparently murderous as well raises a lot red flags, but most likely she was never serious to begin with and this will likely not be something that comes up particularly often. This was up to you but frankly I would have stopped the game of make believe at that point and not actually made a promise to kill people on her behalf even if it's all non-specific fantasy, it's not a prospect that should be entertained on any level. The thing about the cat was just funny and honestly would have been kind of sweet if it wasn't for everything that came before. It is evident from the order of questions and the fact that you had answers to everything at that point that she was reaching for a "gotcha" to prove you don't think about things because you're somehow inconsiderate.

This response to an everyday wrinkle in the fabric of life is something to keep an eye on because if she cannot deal with being temporarily made to endure bad feelings on occasion without having to make you pay then this is going to happen to you a lot and the things you're accused of or indirectly implied to be responsible for will be long and absurd. Let her cool off on this specific incident and if after there's been time to reflect, she still brings it up again with the same manipulative and guilt tripping approach I'd suggest to her that maybe it's not working out. If this single incident has shaken her faith in you so badly maybe she could take some responsibility for her own safety since apparently nothing you say will convince her that you'll be of any use in that regard.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

"Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined emotional abandonment."

Run. She may decide to do the old murder/suicide if she thinks you're going to leave her.

To answer your specific question, in this example, no she's not gaslighting you. Gaslighting is a special form of lying intent on having you doubting your own reason, judgement, and even memory, in favor of someone else's.

In this case, it sounds like she's afraid of her own neighborhood, and is depending on you to make her feel safe. Were I in your position, I would talk to her about looking for someplace to live she does feel safe.

My ex-wife would do very much the same thing and more and she was abusive as fuck. If this kind of thing is typical, it's a big red flag.

I feel like there might be a culture gap here. OP hasn't mentioned where he's from, or what his neighborhood is like. I've lived in places where women do NOT want to be alone at any time, and I suspect many of the commentors here have never experienced a place like that.

It might just be an unhealthy relationship, but depending on context, it might be a very reasonable and understandable reaction.

PS - none of this is gaslighting. OP, do you even know what it means?

Edit: Nvm, OP mentioned they live in a safe city in the comments. Proceed with the traditional calls for breakup!

everything was already said in this thread, except for one thing: it is pretty normal that the taxi driver waits for the woman to enter the building; she can always ask to make sure he will do that.

so there really isn't factual problem in the scenario that was described.

So, fair warning, I am autistic, but also, I've had several multi year relationships with people of differing similarities to this person, here's my read of this:

This is extremely manipulative and abusive behavior toward you.

You forgot about a text after a hard day of work.

She got angry and refused to speak with you for hours because you missed a text.

And you say this is apparently normal behavior.

That is fucking absurd, to be frank.

Before any of the rest of the story, that alone is bonkers.

Just do the reverse situation in your head. You're out late for some on location work event, text her and ask if she can be there when you get back home. She forgets.

Would you be so angry or disappointed that you would refuse to speak to her for 3 hours, would that be something she would accept as normal behavior from you, and would she be inclined to blame herself and totally accept this punishment from you as appropriate?

The rest of this story is she wakes you up in the middle and questions you with absurd nonsensical questions that are all specifically designed as loyalty tests.

I had a 3 year relationship with a person like this.

She was schizophrenic, massively physically, mentally and emotionally abusive toward me.

I am of course not going to say your partner is schizophrenic based off of this alone, I am just saying that reading your story immediately sent me back into the mindstate and memories of my own.

It is however clear to me that your acceptance of this kind of behavior as normal, up until the middle of the night nonsense questioning, to me this indicates that she is utterly dominating you into total submission, and you think this is normal.

It is not.

Fucking bail out immediately is what I would do.

It is completely absurd to think that she could somehow have been kidnapped in the 30 seconds between getting out of an uber and walking to your door.

If she actually believed she was in real danger of being kidnapped, she almost certainly would have told you why, and would have asked you to evaluate her why and what to do to prevent it.

Shes fucking grooming you when she guilt trips you into saying you'd murder someone on her account in a totally hypothetical situation that she is taking extremely seriously.

She is trying to make you feel extremely guilty for things that 1) are not and would not be your fault if they occured and 2) have almost 0 chance of actually occurring.

Maybe there is a 1% chance she will open up later and tell you, wow ok, i was really on edge last night, here is why: and then recount an actual, unlikely but possible extremely unnerving situation.

Or, she is cheating on you or has done something you would be greatly displeased with if you found out, and this is all a reflection/distraction technique. She felt guilty so she leaped at any chance to make you into the bad guy.

Again, I obviously cannot say with any certainty that is what is actually going on, but I can certainly say that she is a highly manipulative and abusive person if you find it normal for her to just completely give you the silent treatment for hours for an inconsequential error.

if you’re planning to kill the guy, what would you do with our cat?”

So...this makes no sense. If I had to guess, I'd imagine your girlfriend exhibits this kind of strange obsessive behavior inconsistently, has occasional bouts of depression, and is no older than 30. Regardless of whether I'm right (but especially if I am), you should consider whether your girlfriend is suffering from something that requires a psych evaluation and get her one.

You might want to X-post to c/relationshipadvice as well. That being said, the only one responsible for kidnapping anyone is the kidnappers. And no one should expect their friends or lover to kill their kidnappers. It would likely get you killed in the attempt. On top of this, these are all hypotheticals.

Someone who is using hypotheticals that they made up in their head against you is more worried about themselves than you.

It is not my place, but this person sounds like someone I wouldn’t even want to be friends with, let alone date. Friends are there to build each other up, not tear them down and add anxiety.

You're using rationality to defend your behavior instead of connecting emotionally around a fundamentally emotional issue. This doesn't mean that her behavior was justified either, but rationality will only get you so far in solving this problem. Arguably, there's an intimate and emotional reason you're together. If you're both not engaging in protecting and growing that first, then you'll end in a you vs her situation.

Just run.

My question is, am I really responsible if someone kidnaps her

Of course not.

The kidnapper is responsible. Maybe an instigator, too.

But not random persons who could maybe have done random things differently.

This is not gaslighting, but it is odd.

What would have happened if you had just said "sorry I'm really busy with work today and won't be able to meet you at the drop off"?

If this would cause her to act the same way, then there's something wrong. Maybe she recently did a true crime binge and is feeling insecure about her safety? Or maybe she's showing signs of mental illness. If you guys are in your early 20s, that's when schizophrenia typically shows up, and can definitely have some paranoia to it. But, you'd need to get a professional to diagnose something like that.

If it wouldn't cause her to act like this, then she's probably just pissed you didn't do what you said you would do. Maybe you have a track record of this kind of behavior and she's starting to get tired of it?

Asking people online if your partner is gaslighting you is serious concern for your situation, whether her behaviors were actually gaslighting or not. Your intuition is telling you something is wayyyyy off. Also, that you had to ask us and not close friends, family, or her herself is another major red flag. Either you are socially isolated and have no one to ask or you are protecting her reputation because you know that those behaviors would be judged quite poorly by people that care about you.

As someone that has dated something like that before, I know my words will not mean much to you. You will undoubtedly rationalize her behavior as her being justifiably triggered, reacting to childhood trauma, making a good point, cute because that's how she communicates love, etc. Regardless, make a note of what everyone here is telling you. Her behaviors were not acceptable at all. There is no justification for them, and that you said it was the usual is troubling.

The best anyone can do for you now is be a voice of reason and direct you to learn about psychological and emotional abuse so you can see it and decide for yourself. Here are 2 resources that I found helpful when I was in your situation:

• Save Your Sanity is a series of videos/podcasts on being in a relationship with difficult people. She has all sorts of topics that are relevant, including how to spot gaslighting.

• The other is the book Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist by Ramani Durvasula. I like this one in particular because it has a questionnaire in it you can take to help you notice of you're in a toxic relationship. Taking that questionnaire was the catalyst that started my escape. Check it out and be truthful. If she's okay and this was just a unique experience, then there is nothing to worry about and the book will help you confirm that.

I highly recommend that you don't tell you partner you are looking into this. Ask anyone that's been in an abusive relationship. Shoot, make another AskLemmy post asking this. Telling a potential abuser/narcissist/manipulator that you are on to them is a HUGE mistake. Instead, look into it on your own during your free time. If she accidentally catches you, say you ran into this online and it seemed interesting. A healthy partner won't even think about it anymore. If she starts with an interrogation, gets upset, or suddenly becomes the best girlfriend ever, that's manipulation.

Certainly, she will commit more odd and questionable behaviors in the future. I urge you to maintain a secret log of her behaviors so that you can stay sane and notice. Please feel free to reach out. Don't stay isolated. You can make another post, and you can even contact me directly via Matrix (see my profile). Good luck!

she begin asking a series of pointed questions: “What would you do if you found out that I was gone?”, “What would you do if the CCTV on our street is broken by chance?”, “What would you tell my mother if I went missing?”, “If I was actually kidnapped, would you kill the guy for me?”

Yeah these sound like tests.

It sounds like she was concerned about the Uber driver and didn't feel like you didn't make her feel safe. I think it's an overreaction on her part but it's still real feelings.

You can't win those arguments, you just have to stay calm and say that you're sorry for not coming down as she was arriving. Then maybe ask if the driver made her feel uncomfortable or whatever.

She doesn't want answers, just empathy and a feeling that you care about her safety.

The “be on the street to greet her as her Uber arrives” is a giant red flag by itself. It’s about her controlling you. You should run, believe me.

yes you would be responsible!!!!1!1!! you'd be sent to jail with the same sentence as the kidnapper whether they catch it or not!!!

Of course not. I would brush this off thinking your GF is probably not even 20 years old yet. The situation sounds a bit immature. I would be concerned if she's older than 25 and making that scene though, it sounds like a very large red flag. Now, perhaps she's been through some trauma that would explain the behaviour, if that's the case you may want to consider professional help.

Has any of you guys commenting even thought that they live in an overly dangerous place and she was genuinely scared?

Of course, waking him in the middle of the night was over the top and maybe a red flag, but anxiety can do that to you.

What would you do if the CCTV on our street is broken by chance?

Who has CCTV in a residential street, that isn't dangerous to walk through? Nowhere where I live, but I've been to some sketchy parts of Manila for example where my local friends would freak out at the thought of walking home from the corner alone. ("Oh my god, do you have a death wish? You can't let them drop you anywhere that isnt directly your actual door! Someone will kidnap or kill you!")

I think her behaviour was somewhat understandable if she was genuinely scared and felt let down by him because he seemingly didn't care for her safety.

We all act irrational sometimes when we are scared, that doesn't mean everyone has a personality disorder or someone even suggested schizophrenia. Seriously people! Cut others some slack for some irrational emotions every now and then.

OP, tell your girlfriend that you love her and care about her and that you'll make an effort to be more thoughtful of her safety and her fears in the future. Because this just might be it. She felt unsafe and that you didn't care if something happens to her. She probably had these thoughts on a loop in her head since she got home.

You're probably better off trusting your guts, and the guts of people around you, than what anyone in the internet says about this matter. Including me.

That said: I don't think that she's either gaslighting or guilt tripping you. I think that she's simply feeling insecure.

Her standing by your bed and behaving like that is childish and she's demonstrating manipulative behaviour.

Rekt

I'll leave the psychological analysis to others but when I'm in a text discussion that needs synchronization (e.g. pick someone up at the train station), I usually respond to incoming texts as soon as I see them, e.g. with "ok", unless I'm driving and the person is expecting me. Even if I'm driving, I'll hear the incoming text buzz the phone, so if I think it needs immediate attention I'll pull over and look at it. So lack of such a text response within a few minutes could indicate "follow up with a voice call".

She was trying to rattle you. Next time answer ridiculous questions with ridiculous answers

I know I'm in the wrong for missing her text. Not trying to argue otherwise.

Totally wrong to have your own life. You’re not her legal guardian. You do have responsibilities but constant undivided attention is not one of them.

That's legitimately not gaslighting.

And gaslighting is 100% real thing, but I always think of this Rick and Morty clip now when someone brings it up:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFM5E93NOF4

Is she Asian ?

My main question is why are you already sleeping in separate bedrooms at this point?

Texts are not synchronous communication. If a response/action is needed, a voice call is better suited.

I can't tell if this is a joke post. Assuming that it's not, there's a lot of missing context. If she wanted you to meet her and you got that text, why didn't you? Do you live somewhere that human trafficking is that much a part of daily life that this is an issue? You make comments like a lot of her irrational actions are normal things, which they probably shouldn't be. She wants assurance that you'll track down and murder a trafficking group like Liam Nesson and then switches gears immediately to what about the cat? I hope this is a joke post.

I'm sorry, can you highlight anything from this story that aligns with the definition of "gaslighting"? I'm sure you looked up the definition and examples before you typed out this post

Not gaslighting, and from what you seem to describe, doesn't appear to be manipulative either. She just seems to be angry. Not to say that you can't be both angry and manipulative, but I don't see clear intent for her to try to guilt trip or gaslight you.

Gaslighting would be if she lied and said that she sent you a message when in fact she didn't. i.e., lying with the intent to make you question your judgment and perception

Guilt tripping would be if she pressured you into giving her a gift as compensation for ignoring her message. i.e., taking advantage of someone's feelings of guilt to get them to do something for you.

I don't see any lie, and I don't see hee trying to extract anything out of you. Worst case interpretation, she's being a bit petty. Best case interpretation, she's scared of being alone outside.

I noticed your final paragraph, and I would be cautious in general about saying that someone who's trying to convince you that their anger is justified is automatically manipulative. That's kind of just how anger works. People think that their anger is justified. Otherwise they wouldn't be angry. Manipulation occurs when you start to feel like you are being used for their own motives.

Either way, you should probably talk to her about it. It seems like she thinks the issue is more severe than you appear to think, and that is something that should be discussed with her

You are a bitch. If you keep going, you'll be her bitch for life. Have fun with sloppy seconds lol