Slorp

Don't forget the inevitable "3 months ago we were made aware of a breach of the BONTO! servers. What information was taken? Bet you'd like to know wouldn't you. What have we done about this situation? Fuck you, that's what."

Don’t forget the 4500 emails suggesting you upgrade to slorp pro-premium-plus-max

*Your 2FA login code for SLORP

*Your password reset link for SLORP

*Your password reset link for SLORP

*You have (2) new messages from other SLORP users

*There has been a login attempt from a new device on SLORP

*Your SLORP password may have been compromised

Click here to unsubscribe from Slorp marketing emails. First log in. Forgot password? Click here to reset. Hmm, doesn't appear to be a user account with that email address. Create an account? Check your email for the activation link. Confirm your contact information. Consent to tracking cookies? Manage notifications. Unsubscribe from all? We're sad to see you go!

Remember when email was useful? I remember when it was magical!

Time for a story from the ancient times. I had this idea and asked my professor for advice. He said he knew a person on the other side of the world who would know all about it. “This is his ‘email’ address.”

I had never heard about ‘email’ so I needed to learn what it was and how to send one. I wrote my message and off it went. The very next morning I had a reply. One of the best experts on a topic I was keen about had shared their thoughts from the other side of the world, just like that.

In that time, a long time ago as you’ll appreciate, that interaction was magical.

In an instant I understood the power of the Usenet. A while later and with a couple of additional protocols they started calling that the Internet.

Every goddamn time...

☐ I would like to be contacted for marketing purposes

Next day...

Here's that marketing email you requested!

You forgot the part where BONTO leaks user information, and now you get a torrent of spam...

Business contaminates everything useful with endless appeals to your attention.

I'd argue that email is as useful as regular mail. I get about 2 letters a year written by a person. The rest is bills and marketing.

Email is basically a central notification hub for users, and I'd much prefer that than having to log into each specific app to be notified of things.

signs into portal

ding!

"New sign-on to Grek Ultra Product Manager Plus!"

Why is this the default

"Thank you for your pre-paid lifetime subscription to Slorp! Unfortunately, after the acquisition by BONTO!, we have made the difficult decision not to honor these Slorp Platinum accounts going forward. But please enjoy a 15% discount on your first month of BONTO! Premium+! (Have you seen our stock price?)"

THats not true, its also a bunch of

"HOT DEAILS ON (item you just talked to a friend about half an hour ago that they somehow magically know about in ways that should terrify every fucking person within 500 feet of a digital device) AT HOTDEALS426424346423.COM.CO.EU.RU/HOTDEALS/TOTALLYNOTASCAM/SUCKERSCLICKTHIS/HOTDEAL4U.COM"

edit

I did not intend that to resolve to a clickable link, lol.

I remember when Slorp was Qooble.

Slorp has detected that you haven't opened our emails for a long time. It's very important to slorp that you keep your contact information updated. Please login Here to verify your slorp account details.

-- the fact slorp gets upset that I have tracking pixels disabled so they can't monitor my email usage is one big reason they can go slorp themselves

I have a 100 gb Google storage just so I don’t run out of email space. Even if you aggressively unsubscribe from shit, there’s just waaaaay too much emailing in general by companies.

I once bought four items in a single order from Amazon. They shipped all items separately, which meant I got four shipment mails, four DHL ‘it’s underway’ messages, four ‘it’s being delivered today’ messages and four ‘your item has been delivered’ messages by DHL. Oh and to round it out: four delivery confirmations from Amazon.

All told, that one four-item order meant 21 separate emails. There HAS to be a more efficient way to handle that.

It seems like it's been a while since you last checked in with BONTO! We'd love your feedback on how we can improve. Log in to get started!

TBH I think if your email is filled with garbage you need to do a better job of managing your email.

If they think email is bad now, then obviously a lot of people dont remember the 90s before spam filtering got decent.

i finally recently discovered email aliases and the + feature on addresses-- best invention ever

CEO is my cat. He got some teeth pulled. Slorp slorp...

I miss Slorp. All the modern copies of Slorp suck.

Permanently Deleted

Glorp! Glorp!

Wait…. It’s Custard, not Carl

And if you have a short email address, you either get #1 for a lot of strangers' accounts at places which check the address, or #2-6 for different strangers' accounts at places which don't...

Folks, we need to learn to use aliases.

Fastmail has quite nice implementation of this, they call it "masked e-mail", but I bet there are many (perhaps under other names). (Disclaimer: I have no connection to FastMail other than I use their service and like it.)

I've learned to just create new masked email for every domain where i share e-mail -- legit or not. Then you can just disable the alias if it gets annoying. You can also reply to an e-mail you got to the alias without revealing your real address (as long as you do it from FastMail UI).

10 minute mail solves most of this.