Trans Megathread for the Week of 2025-01-06 to 2025-01-12 - Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky
Trans Megathread for the Week of 2025-01-06 to 2025-01-12 - Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky
Children of Time is a 2015 science fiction novel by Adrian Tchaikovsky.
In the distant future, humanity seeks to create new habitats for itself on distant planets, terraforming them and seeding them with life. Dr. Avrana Kern is heading one such project, orbiting the tentatively named "Kern's World", where the plan is to release monkeys 
infected with a nanovirus that will accelerate their evolution. Through an act of sabotage from an anti-technology group that has also destroyed much of Earth, the monkeys are never released, and the virus instead infects a species of spider, Portia labiata. The book follows the evolution of the spiders and their eventual civilisation, as well as a remnant of humanity that fled to Kern's World hoping to find paradise.
also children of ruin and children of memory, the sequels, are really good
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hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!
the list as it stands:
oscardejarjayes* (1/13 - 1/19) SwitchyandWitchy* (1/20 - 1/26) SILLY BEAN@lemmygrad.ml* (1/27 - 2/2) AshenWolf* (2/3 - 2/9) GayTuckerCarlson* (2/10 - 2/16) EstraDoll (3/2 - 3/8)ā * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters
I've said this all before but I'm feeling it real good again. I'm so freaking thankful for this website. I'm so so so glad I came on here and made that post with my feels and met you all. I'm almost certain I would still be calling myself a cis man i it wasn't for you all š, and because I don't, I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm still trying to figure out the details, but realizing I don't have to be a guy has been so unimaginably freeing, and I wanted to thank you all again for helping me realize it.
Got really drunk on saturday and finally came out to my irl friend group chat. Waking up not remembering doing that was "fun". This is also the second time I've gotten way too drunk and came out (first time was almost ten years ago when I came out to them at a party as bisexual)
Would not recommend it.
internalized transphobia relating to age
In my coming out message I put in my chosen name and for the first two days afterwards, I thought that maybe I wasn't ready to do that.
On analyzing that feeling I'm realizing that it might just be attatched to my internalized shame about coming out at my age and feeling that this whole thing, this whole experience, is a kid/teen/young adult thing. Like thinking about it makes me feel like I'm going to be physically ill. I actually gag when I think about it, out of shame or embarrassment.
I think I need to talk to more older trans people.
Really hoping I pass enough for my sisterās wedding
sexism
I have a difficult time calling myself and being called a woman but not for gender reasons I don't think. I like girl and lady. I think it's because growing up, the context I would hear the word "woman" being used the most is my dad referring to my mom, and tying her fulfilment of her "biblical duties" to her womanhood. I think it's hard for me to separate the word from that connotation, even though I know it's bullshit. Like every time someone calls me a woman I feel my dad calling me one and I hate it.
put some effort into painting my nails instead of just throwing on a quick layer like i normally do. did base coat, 2 coats black, then shiny top coat, just took my time at it while i was installing new linux on my laptop, it was relaxing. starting to think it's kinda worth the effort, they look really nice and shiny and will take longer to chip off.
Still feel self conscious enough to stop my self from using feminine mannerisms around other people, but now it comes with guilt over not asserting myself š«
yapping about trauma
the more I think about trauma, the more unfair I think it is to make traumatized adults participate in capitalist society when they're basically kids.
social services should circle the wagons and let people heal and learn before they have to grow up. it should be given the same urgency as a house fire.
like literally it's not right. you shouldn't be able to grow up wrong. people who need to learn to love themselves should be given that care. not access, not the option, point blank, provided with mental health resources and professionals.
when someone injures their leg, it's not, "oh oh I hope you can get the help you need" it's "holy shit he can't fucking walk we gotta help". why is mental health different LMAO
Obviously I'm being ridiculous and describing something that will never happen. Wanting to be dead is a feature, not a bug.
listen well this tale of dysphoric(?) woe
Giggling with my friend at work as some of the gals we're friendly with have some incredibly candid sex discussions in the next cubicle over since the office is basically empty
She goes over to tell them that we can definitely hear everything they're saying
I think I can hear one of them poke fun at the fact that I (boymoding, only out to my friend) can hear
Suddenly reminded of the distance that exists between me and them because of how they perceive me
Feel very far away, almost "shell-shocked" for the remaining half hour of the work day
According to my friend they were actually cool with me hearing and that I was explicitly invited to join in when the next such Empty Office Sex Salon occurs. But I still can't shake the feeling that I'm different, that me being there just pollutes everything and they'll always view me with some unshakable suspicion and wariness, like a wild animal that could snap and start mauling people.
I honestly don't get too much dysphoria, to the point that I don't even know if this counts?? but this is the feeling that gets me. Can't we just pretend I'm part of the group? I'm not that much different from you on the inside, I promise.
CW: Extreme depression, dysphoria
My brain is screaming out in agony tonight. I was watching GDQ and a lot of donations started to come in about how trans folks families were so accepting and supportive. What a stark difference between them and myself where I lost literally everyone except for my mother. I even lost my fucking husband. It's so painful. I'm so happy others had it better than me, but gods it's killing me on the inside and I just want to cry. It hurts so much. Sometimes I wish I wasn't trans and this is one of those moments. I fucking hate everything right now.
I decided to check up on r/MTF, which I haven't done in a long time. Unsurprisingly, that sub is still as embarrassingly lib as it ever was. More so than most other trans subs. They're still unable to connect the dots, and constantly making excuses for democrats, and acting like they're protectors of trans rights while they've actually shown that they do not care. Now I remember why I stopped visiting that place years ago. I have little patience for this lib shit.
i thought i was really gonna miss having gargantuan pockets when i moved to more femme clothing, but honestly i love having a silly little handbag so much.
Had to remind an ex that we will remain exes for the foreseeable future, that sucks.
sorry boss i can't come in to work today. my wife is holding my arm hostage while she sleeps. yeah idk i'll be in next week maybe. i expect full pay for this
I tried playing marvel rivals with some friends and its kinda fun, but also reminded me why I stopped playing those types of games: so many people who can't take a loss without getting insanely mad
The absurdity of it is kinda funny when it happens, but it creates such a negative environment where i don't want to spend that much time tbhalcohol
Fucked up rn but felt kinda weird about "ze/hir" lately despite them being rad asf pronouns imho
Think I'm still mostly a "they/them" but being a "she/her" trans femme on occasion mite b cool
You know, just to cement the "lol definitely not a guy" feeling home
Or fuck, could I possibly be a binary trans woman instead of a weird enby that I've been living as for like a decade now???
Fuck idk
Idk maybe refer to me with she/her for awhile and I'm seeing if that's actually right or not, sorry
Like I came out gender wise as a trans woman initially a long time ago, then felt more comfortable being nonbinary, and I guess now I've kinda done full circle?
I dunno
I'm queer
.
and my junk is small
My mom and I are watching the second squid game season, the trans character is cute and very relatable which I wasn't expecting (apparently the actor is a cis guy). Kinda weird how much of the trans experience is apparently universal.
We're watching it dubbed and I really appreciate that they cast a voice actress that didn't have the perfect femme voice training or cast a cis girl to voice her. She sounds more or less like I do on a "bad" voice day lol
internalized transphobia
Every time I go outside and see a cis woman my age I become jealous and sad. I feel so inferior to them. They're born with the right body, while I have to spend a huge amount of time, effort and money in order to change mine. I have to be on HRT for the rest of my life, do voice training and go through several major surgeries, and even then there's no guarantee that cis people will perceive me as a woman.
And will I ever feel like a real woman? Even if I reach the point where I fully pass, that won't change the fact that I've spent several decades living as the wrong gender, and that I'll never have periods or the ability to give birth
CW: Depression, dysphoria
I have been so godsdamned depressed the last few days that is stemming from some extreme dysphoria that I've been feeling with. And yes, regardless of after having had top and bottom surgery, I am capable of becoming dysphoric. I don't feel genuine. I feel fake. Without having had those experiences I missed on growing up, I feel that I will always be on the outside looking in regardless of what I do. I always see these ciswomen whose experiences I could never emulate and it just kills me on the inside. Yay. I have a vagina, I have breasts, but I'll never have those experiences. It depresses the hell out of me and it is draining the will to live out of me. I hate it so much. Couple that with feeling of not being capable of fitting in with any trans communities for a multitude of reasons. Further couple that with the crushing depression that's on and off since my divorce and I just fucking hate life right now. yay
alone with my thoughts for the first time since November because all my podcasts took the week off
Just paid my semester's tuition and... I have more money than I thought I would, I've got an entire extra month's rent compared to what I expected and then some more to cover all my books. I'm starting to feel actually kind of okay being independent? A lot of the worry about if I'd be able to be okay is gone now, replaced, admittedly by other worries, but I feel okay about my situation, even if it's not super secure or the most comfortable, its become livable. Especially since the past few weeks finally gave me my first real break in over a year and I was able to rest a little.
i hate microsoft if you didn't know cw: dysphoria
me: searching Microsoft Teams for a message.
Teams: includes "[deadname] (You) - message" in the results, despite my name being changed in the system and legally for 3 months.yes, thank you microsoft for giving us pronoun flairs, that only me and like one enby in the company even use lol, but could you not deadname me? you are valued at 3.16 trillion USD and you can't amend (or can't be fucked amending) my name within a system you have almost complete control of. sometimes i see my deadname email flicker before being replaced with my new one and i can understand why they might have my old email but why are you storing my deadname???? is my legal name just a display name??
i'm soooo fucking glad microsoft successfully abused their market power to eradicate slack and make us use this steaming pile of bland corpo dogshit. i throw up a little everytime i hear that fucking teams ping, i reaaaally want to quit just because of our dependence on this repugnant company
i know this comes off a bit trivial, i'm privileged to have an office job. but it gives off the same vibe as my birth certificate having "previously known as [deadname]", both constant reminders that i'll never be just me but me who used to be someone else and that shit sucks
every single person who's ever protested the building of new homes because it'll lower house prices should have their house confiscated and given to someone who doesn't suck
What I am doing now is not working. I'm going to try and get on diy. I still don't think I can be independent before changes are noticeable but another year without E (or however much time) isn't going to change that. May as well try it and see if it helps.
spoiler
thoughts of suicide
I've been feeling hopeless and like I'm going to have to kill myself anyway. It doesn't really matter if I start a timer on moving/coming out. Worst comes to worst I'll have to come out and they'll be disappointed in me or whatever. I can't get out of this by myself so maybe E will help. If not
there really are not that many more options. At least I can die knowing what E feels like. If these mythical mental changes are real or hype.dysmorphia
Oh God I reeeeealllly hate the way I look so much. I got a look at my side profile today and I just hate the way I look, I can't believe I appear to other people like this. I have way too much fat on my face, my neck is too wide so my face just looks like a blob. I'm also overweight and just fucking hate the way my body looks
Got some neat stuff thrifting
Kinda wish I could post pics because some of the clothes are really cute imo and I actually found stuff that (mostly) fit me
Found some nice gym stuff too, got a pair of fancy tech wear sweatpants that make my legs and
look good 
Got some cute plushies my cats have been enjoying too and a street hockey stick for playing cat hockey in the house and that's been fun
Bless whatever tall/large femme donated the shiny windbreaker and hoodie with the faux fur hood lining and sleeve cuffs, think it might be my favorite dysphoria hoodie now despite it being a little short on the torso and sleeves
Might hem it to a crop top or elbow length sleeves and wear it as a summer night kinda layer later but it's really cute imo in a "sporty goth (queer)" kinda way and I'm kinda in love with it
sad, misgendering, deadnaming, family shit
call one relative I'm out to on the phone to catch up and vent because she was concerned and knows I've been struggling lately
deadnamed and misgendered like 6 times and talked over repeatedly
I don't know why I bothered tbh
She's "the good one" and the rest of the family would probably be worse if I ever bother to come out to them
I think the best idea is to just work on myself and my transition and maybe someday show up to something like nothing happened and act like they're weird for not recognizing me and then act really confused when they try calling me my deadname
At least I have cats
Richard and Mortimer was quite good for it's run, I especially like when one half of the titular characters turned themselves into a pickle. Had the series continued perhaps that scallywag Richard could have transformed some more possibly into a woman, they might have finally been happy. Alas with the cancellation by the Woke Council with the show's association with the Ronald McDonald corporation we shall never see this possibility.
Boobs are growing again. Also probably more important than size for me is that they're getting a lot rounder and less awkwardly shaped
massive volcel violation posting
thought #1: "holy shit just 8 months HRT has made my ass look incredible"
thought #2: "holy shit just imagine how fucking stunning it will look after about 2 years HRT"
Someone just called me a nerd and I don't think I can mentally recover from that
anxiety, dysphoria
hate when i'm waiting for my meds to get delivered, gives me like a creeping undergrowth of anxiety constantly prodding at the back of my brain. i've been diy for long enough now i know they'll get here, i know i'm not gonna run out, but every time i take my meds i'm like compulsively counting pills and it's like there's a blaring countdown playing in my head - "
13121110 days until your soul gets ripped out again." really gotta get a pcp again, even just dealing with this once every few months is too much.Witch hazel remains great for my skin and makes me feel like a witch
really funny imo but genital mention, kinda dysphoria related
Lmao YouTube thinks I'm in the sales demographic for "yoni eggs"
Like sorry bud, I don't think I'm in the market for magic woo woo pussy rocks for several reasons but uh thanks for thinking I'm a woman, algorithm?
depression/dysphoria/dooming
I've been crying all day. It hurts so much. I could barely talk earlier. So dysphoric about my voice. Just in general too.
I keep doing worse and worse. I've been "trying" (half assed and lazily) to get my shit together for years. Haven't been able to. I'm doing worse now. So how am I going to be able to now when I couldn't then.
I can't start hrt because I can't get better. I can't get better because I'm trapped in a disgusting man body with a disgusting man voice. There's nothing to do. I can't force myself to get better. To work on myself, to voice train, none of it. I can't. I never really could. Not quitting if I never tried.
I have failed life. So many things I will never get to see or experience. Because I'm a failure. All evidence points to me just being born wrong. Defective. Whatever ig. What makes a person turn out like this. I can't blame my parents. They tried. I wish I tried harder. Whatever. Hurts too much. What a shame. Not good enough to even try. I am such a disgusting waste of life. I wish I could give this to someone else.
si
Can't believe I have to do it myself. god I wish I'd just die without having to do it myself. I don't want to. I'll just keep putting it off. Like I have so far.
yapping about dysphoria, I don't actually know if this is coherent
Shaving takes so much work. And as much as I guess it's for me, like, it bugs me that I've been prioritizing self-care, self-reflection, self-exploration essentially since COVID and it hasn't had the desired affect of me becoming more of someone that people naturally want to be friends with.
I thought working on myself would demonstrate value or something, like my classmates at the time would see that and want to help. That's what I did for them, I would help if I thought someone needed it. Maybe I'm overthinking the concept of attracting or manifesting, or whatever. Like, I don't know if I understand what makes people want to stay in touch, I don't think that's an emotion that has been directed towards me. I don't know if I register socially, like I'm not viewed as someone who can be invited out for pizza, or texted,, or whatever.
But I can put zero effort in, go a week without shaving, wear sweats. Or I can moisturize, style my hair, and pick out all kinds of jewelry. I feel as though I'm overlooked, regardless of how I try to present. I just keep wondering at what point I can have, point blank, the conversations I want to have.
I often wish I were a woman, but I also don't think I know a goddamn thing about women, but ALSO know it's not great to be like "women are a separate category that confuses me" internally. So I somehow feel invalid no matter how I approach this.
I think I'll feel this way until a member of the local LGBTQ+ community catches me in a big cartoonish net because I see no way to solve everything about myself on my own. I think I'm at the natural endpoint of being a man, lmao
I feel like I'm caught in some sort of Ouroboros where my problems just keep feeding each other. I wish I could just like, see what happens in the minds of well adjusted people. I wish I could load a save where I already have someone who is gonna notice if I disappear or am not doing well.
I truly feel like if I were able to explain the exact intricacies of what I'm discovering to be a Russian Nesting Doll of trauma to someone, that person would be compelled to help. I keep saying this, but please talk me down if I'm talking crazy. I want to be told that I'm an idiot if these things are stupid. To let me sit in the wrongness for this long is unfair.
shaving, body shame
I'm used to taking care of my arm hair at this point, but my lower body is intimidating.
It's honestly a source of shame, a big reason for not having sex has been hearing people talk about guy's hygiene and "how disGUSTing men are" and not knowing where to start or how to ask.
I know I'm hairy and smelly, and I'm the type of guy that a lot of women will complain has no sense of hygiene. So I just like, never figured it out. What, was my dad supposed to explain stuff to me or something?
For me it's dysphoria related, in that I hate the body hair and the fact of having to manage it and deal with it. I feel so male when I look at it and try to deal with it. I hate it.
My
knitcrocheted panda is looking a lot more odd and scruffy than the stuff my sister makes, but that's okay, he's mine and I love him
Gonna try taking another break from the bearsite as I have some queer shit IRL planned so I wanna see if I can start doing that to help my burnout. Also think its time for me to say goodbye to this account as its getting too old opsec wise. Sucks because I like this user name :(.
Maybe I'll look into if I can just delete all my posts or something and not make a new account but that still has opsec issues do idk
i have the irresistible urge to be gay AND to do crime... i wonder what that's about
spoiler
My wife thinks she can ratio me. ME!
Pfft, weāll show her
Dreamt I was on the moon and I really needed to piss but didn't š©
(CW: joking misogyny) TTRPG adventures:
I've been grappled and have too little strength to break free on my own, so I shout out to the party wizard to cast Twitch, a spell that causes any target to drop whatever item they're holding
Me: "Can you target the bird man grappling me so I can break free?"
Wizard: "Sorry, Twitch only works to drop objects"
Me: (playing a character who is a trans woman) "fucking transphobic magic doesn't recognize me as a woman"
anyone who dislikes the ember island players episode is no friend of mine
Sonic forcesspoiler
Feminization? Like and subscribe to find out more
weight
the tweet this person is quoting and all the replies going āIām 5ā7+ and a similar weightā is going to give me an ED I swear to God.
Likeā¦okay, your BMI 17-18 and look like that? Guess Iāll go down to 90 pounds then.we lost our best friend today andā¦ we arent sure if we made the right choice or not by leaving them
not sure how we are going to recover from this
Musicals have been associated with queer culture for a long time, but I don't feel that they really hold that much space in trans communities? I've seen people here talk about musicals but no more or less than non-queer folks.
Is this right? Like, I feel like our cultural touchstones are pretty different.
crappy day folx, I decided to switch from Windows to Fedora, and after installing it, I noticed my PC only recognizes 8 out of the 16GB of RAM that should be there? I confirmed this in the BIOS, and tried to go about fixing it by reseating the GPU and RAM (I have had a problem like this before that was fixed that way), and now I can't get it to boot at all (my theory is one of the RAM sticks was fucked and I ended up fucking up the other). Luckily I have a backup mini PC I bought last year that I intended to use as a home server but never got around to setting up. But while I was moving the old PC to storage, something sharp at the bottom of the case cut my middle finger! šµ not so bad that I have to go to the hospital or anything, but it's deeper than most finger cuts I've had before. I was just getting back into guitar and now I'm gonna have to take a break from that for probably a week š.
On the bright side, the Fedora experience has already been a lot better so far, I always had minor problems with Windows on my old PC, mainly to do with intermittent wifi (only fixed by limiting it to wifi 3) and random crashes (which I think had to do with the GPU driver, but I'm not buying another GPU just to see if that fixes it), but Fedora Just Works. Also I was expecting to run into issues when moving the SSD from my old PC to the "new" one, but it's pretty much been a plug and play experience.
Blahaj (bootleg) acquired.
s*x
I went to a dance class with my partner last night and as it was getting near the end they whispered in my ear, "How about we continue this with just the two of us and more tongue?"
Then we went back to my place and we made love for two hours and I even got a little
time. I'm feeling exhausted in the best way right now.silly but positive, kinda gender euphoria
I still only play games on my old 360 lol but I updated my avatar awhile ago and it's stupid but it really made me happy
The old one was my awkward teenage egg self
Now I have tits and a MJOLNIR helmet that matches my Reach Spartan and it's sick imho
brainrot humor, CSM spoilers (kinda)
Me and the people who hugbox mešµ Only you can set me free, 'cause I'm guilty (guilty) šµ
šµ Guilty as a girl can be šµ
šµ Come on baby, can't you see šµ
šµ I stand accused šµ
šµ Of love in the first degree šµ
New year (and more specifically I returned home from visiting fam) and... I guess I gotta live again, and by that I mean do productive things (not that visiting fam was bad- it was wonderful, helped my mom cook a lot and just connected with siblings idk) and get my life on track as well as to a point where I could actually have some sort of notion of self worth.
I guess tomorrow and onwards will be the turning point (or it won't, but it has to be). I guess today wasn't so bad either in terms of doing some things for myself. Ought to leverage my siblings (sis could also use help really) for assistance in keeping up motivation (or having any) I guess.
Today I had a weird dream, I basically almost never dream (or at least don't remember them) but in this dream let's just say I looked somewhat different in the mirror and wasn't dysphoric and was going
even in the dream. Sucks to have to wake up from that tbh, optimistic ish but don't trust myself to see it through properly. I guess I also just have severe issues of self-doubt and self-sabotage historically, been thinking of that lately (well always)I.. I dunno, compared to previous times I'm more defeated, not running on fumes and hot air as much as before and more.. wise(?) I guess, while trying to pick myself up. But I know myself and tbh the honest truth is I just kinda have a really messed up (limbic system, lack of self worth and motivation, learned helplessness etc). How am I supposed to trust that?
mental health, social isolation sad shit, avpd probably
I really gotta get my shit together mentally and get over my "what if it doesn't go well" woe is me bullshit and reach out to my old best friend who might be the (platonic?) love of my life or soulmate or something
I miss this person so fucking much and have for years now and at some point when shit got really bad for me when covid got serious here, I just completely shut down and isolated and retreated inward mentally and have just started tiptoeing back to being "myself" but I've thought of this friend pretty much constantly since then and I know reconnecting with them would be like, the single best thing I could do for myself but it's still so scary and daunting after all this time
I thought by now I'd finally be, like, me, fully, and could reconnect as a better version of the person they loved, but I feel more weird and fucked up and unhappy with myself now than I did when we were super close irl and part of what's been preventing me from reaching back out is that feeling of shame
I wish I could be better at the very least so they could feel better about me instead of being concerned or upset at what a mess I am
Idk sorry I'm really emotional tonight
scented candles, cute clothes, and decorations are not "treats". anything marketed to men is though. if you disagree with this you're misogynistic. unironically
my real estate deadnamed me in their inspection notice
emotions
My posting flurries are often a side effect of dealing with intense emotions throughout the day, just from thinking about my life and how it has gone, etc.
When I get overwhelmed by my emotions I don't want to be alone. But I have been alone for a long time. I often feel like if someone could be there one time, I could probably handle the next 10 strong emotions on my own.
I don't know what's normal. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with these feelings. What I do know is trying to wring anything out of anyone is exhausting. It started with posting on Instagram trying to stay in touch with my college friends and now it's happening here. I don't feel any agency to be direct.
And I don't have someone in my corner, so it feels like nobody is witnessing what I'm going through. Apparently that's a good thing. Apparently I'm supposed to want this desolation.
Hexbear is a good place. I guess I'm not all that good.
I'm experiencing anxiety flareups trying to communicate effectively here, and that is a sign to me that I need to consider how involved I am, how much I talk about this stuff, etc.
Also you guys peer pressured me into switching usernames before I was ready when I first joined the matrix chat, back in July. That wasn't cool. I chose Pleakley because I panicked. Have a great January 2025.
POS10 posting POSTIN TRANSITION COMPLETE; I am now Alice D. Addertounge newest member of the Sun Ra Arkestra! Rocket number nine to the planet Venus!
vince staples if he was woke: girl yeah right yeah right yeah right
I've finally started to recover. Still have a cough, throat still feels weird, but my energy is coming back.
Dyed my hair red. It was pretty red, but then I washed it, and it came out a bit more purple-red. Thought this was because I had dyed purple a but ago (it was really faded), but then I realized that the color-preserving conditioner that came with the purple dye might actually have purple dye in it. Color looks really cool though, almost exactly what I had originally expected.
I love you all so much. Thank you for helping me be my best self and finding true happiness ššš
introspection on libido/sexuality, sex stuff (not explicit), a bit sad. looking for advice.
over the last year and a half or so, my sex drive has been mostly very low. i don't really feel sexual attraction to other people like i used to. i have long-term depression and it's something i've always struggled with, but much more intense the last couple of years. i hardly feel like a sexual being. i'm on 200mg prog and i only get horny once or twice a month, i get myself off and enjoy it. i've been considering that i may fit into the ace spectrum, but this is an idea i've been struggling to accept. i want to feel sexual attraction. i want to feel like a sexual being. but it's felt totally muted for a while now. there are other aspects than physiological, i definitely have some catholic brainworms and shit about sex. but i can't help but feel like the main factor is HRT, as my sex drive and proclivity for sexual attraction has seemed to gradually dwindle over the past few years. i was really excited to get on prog because of the mythical horny but it didn't really happen. i'm also on CPA and already halved my prescribed dose to no avail. T levels are still on the floor so maybe i could try reducing that even further.
what i'd like to ask is, does anyone have any advice on combating this? i feel like maybe eating better and exercising might help, i'm NEET and really depressed and sedentary so that's probably a factor too. i guess if anyone has gone through something similar and managed to rediscover the horny i'd love to hear about it. like i used to fuck loads in my first year and a half or so of transition and i loved it. i wanna go back to that. but it feels almost like a different person now. idk.
Happy jan 6 everybody! I'm gonna be smoking weed and practicing martial arts on the porch to celebrate.
I am Godās eepiest uppy
That reminds me i need to read the 3rd book in the children of time series
Was looking for a PCP now that I am off the student health plan and working as a post-doc, and I got lucky. The one PCP that's accepting clients at the closest (good) in-network clinic notes an interest/specialty in LGBTQ+ primary care. I don't know if I need to switch my GAC from Planned Parenthood, but it does make me hopeful that they won't be in the dark or bigoted about trans health care.
EDIT: Well, that PCP isn't available until June, and in fact it doesn't seem like any PCP is available in the clinic system to establish care until April, when I will probably be moving out of town. So fuck me I guess. Looks like I will be relying on urgent care for health issues then.
Lord help me quit TikTok. Iām so tired of the weird prescriptivism that invades queer discourse there. And what happened to the trans prime directive? Every single video with someone saying eggy shit is full of comments just telling that person theyāre trans and to start hormones. And it understandably freaks people out. Itās the same 3 egg jokes over and over and the person gets absolutely no support because people are too busy making inside jokes. Not to mention everyone jumping straight to the person being not only trans, but binary trans.
I crave dog and catgirl literature so I think I might get back into reading unjust depths.
Winder if there is Unjust depths lesbian fanart....
why is olympic swimming pool a measurement people use. all i know is they're big. i've never swum in one
IDK why but I always feel really weepy after laser sessions. I think it's physically unpleasant, but it also makes me immanently aware of my facial hair in a way I rarely am. But the results are sooo worth it! My family is distantly from the Mediterranean and I have had a full beard since 18. I wish I would have finished during my first run at laser, but I am committed to staying the course this time.
I still love the smell of cigarettes, including on people, not so much when making out it gets a lil gross lol. But the smell is nice
Got a metallic blue nail polish that by itself looks pretty great but I'm no longer content with just one polish so I added another glitter polish on top of it. Thing with glitter polish I feel is that it should really be labeled as more a top coat than anything, imagining just applying the glitter polish on my nails would be pretty underwhelming.
just received a physical copy of our megathread feature so i can actually finish it. realizing my ADHD isn't too friendly with audiobooks so excited to finally finish it!
Bunch of fashion blathering
I thought puffy head bands were the ultimate head feminizer but i have discovered barettes and ohhhh my it's so lovely.
I got a light blue dress for myself and I have just been rolling in euphoria. Today is my 6 month HRT anniversary and it's only getting stronger as i figure out more feminine combos.
It's a little weird being so old and transitioning directly into an old lady I sort of worry about not dressing my age. I don't act weird or anything though when i go out (beyond the regular autism and adhd and bipolar stuff i reckon) so im trying to be a good ambassador. My bffs say im not overdoing it š¤š»
One thing that is very difficult is how much trouble it is keeping nice clothes clean!!! I have had to rescue my new dress twice already, once from au jus splashing onto the hem and just this morning from leaning against the car bumper while getting groceries. You have to be sooooo careful at all times which i find tough as i was a slob who didn't give any fucks about myself or my appearance before.
It's so worth it when a girl compliments your dress or your outfit or makeup though i treasure that shit sooo much. I joked with my partner (who is not into it but being nice) about detransitioning and she said that she didn't believe I could if I wanted to. She said I have a woman's heart and there's no putting that genie back in the bottle. She is right of course.
there's something primal about tinkering with electronics that keeps me working in embedded software even though I've grown to dislike low level programming
very mild injury mention
rediscovering the joy of model making (accidentally knifing myself when my hand slips while struggling to do a conversion i thought was gonna be fun and easy)
don't worry the glue on my fingers sealed the cut up immediately -_-;
dysphoria
Went to go out in the parking lot at the gym for a vape break, ran into a New Year's newbie young(er) woman trying to get in to ask about joining. (There's no staff on weekends)
She asked about the staff hours. Without thinking about it because I was checking for all my pockets before I left, I ask her if she can wait and I'll give her a pic of the staff schedule hours and then I can text it to her. Didn't even think about how "oh you're not supposed to go inside as a not-member." I'll give you a pic of the staff hours and then it's all good.
She read me as a guy. (shut up, she definitely did.)
Without thinking of that and how I offered to take the pic for her, realized she probably thought I'm trying to get her number and hit on her
Feel really sad and gross once I realized that
Like jfc honey, I'm so sorry, I (kinda) like women too but you had no clue and I swear I wasn't a creep
Also if I had referred you for a membership that'd be like forty bucks for me lmao
I probably need sleep meds to sleep properly, maybe. And I guess hypothetically also being told to sleep like as if I'm not a grown ass 28 y.o. woman uh... well no one ever accused me of being functional.
Waking up in the middle of the night and it's hard to sleep because (hungy), but then the resulting headache will naturally make me want to stay in bed rather than make food later (happened yesterday also didn't make food since would have to wash dishes and idk)... Why is life like this? I'll uh eat properly today and do life stuff though yeah, today's the day
pita bed
bad mental health, meltdown, alcohol
Kinda snapped last night and had a little violent meltdown and feel bad about it and embarrassed by how fucking juvenile and pathetic it was
I don't even really remember what triggered it
I ate some dinner and got drunk but not like, sloppy drunk and it was all pretty normal and like the next thing I knew something in me kinda snapped and I was out in the garage beating the shit out of a spare door that's propped up against the shelves out there absolutely raging and yelling
Bruised my hand pretty bad but I don't think I broke anything thankfully but jfc
Gonna commit to no booze now, that's never really happened to me before, I've always been more of either a "aww I love you" drunk or a maudlin kinda ruminating drunk, never an angry one and that kinda scared the shit out of me
Like, how long was that building up for? How much more shit like that is just lurking in the back of my head festering? (I know I'm a big gymrat but for the record, no, I'm not on gear, so it's not roid rage)
Idk, fuck
This shit sucks ass
I'm way too old for feeling like a ridiculous angsty teenager
dysphoria
I hate talking. Hearing my disgusting, horrible voice. I wish I could cry but I can't.
I don't know if this makes sense
might be worth mentioning I'm autisticbut I've always been very auditory. I've always liked audiobooks, so many good voices. I distinctly remember hating some of their voices and being unable to listen to the book. I'm very sensitive to "bad" noise. I don't really know what other examples to give... I just really love a good voice. The biggest thing I remember about puberty was my voice changing and not liking it. Telling myself I'd grow into it. I never will.So now I have to torment myself with voice training. Focusing on my voice is so painful. I know it won't get better unless I do it. It hurts so much though. Its horrible. If voice training even fixes it.
I'm so sad about it. I really can't express it.
Love is Blind Germany: "Ha ha, we are German, we have fallen in love in silence und I did not see my fiancee before proposing"
So it turns out my sperm is totally poggers. I think I'm just gonna have to do the whole thing including the extra legwork to get FDA clearance in case it needs to be used with a surrogate. It'll cost like 1k up front and then "no more than 400/yr" for storage
I just hate hate hate hate taking options away from myself, there is no worse feeling for me than realizing I can't do or have something because of a stupid decision I made in the past
My unusual word choice strikes again. I walked into the back kitchen of the queer community center and said "I don't think I've ever been this deep before" and now deep has become the word of the day š
so i was walking through the house earlier when i noticed that one board that my parents insist on keeping which tracks how tall me and my siblings were through time with the little marks and the date of when the mark was kept? out of curiosity I went and I checked my height as it stands now and... I've apparently lost about half an inch since I was 17. God I guess I wasn't going crazy, I do feel faintly just a bit shorter since starting HRT. It's totally possible it might just be normal aging things but I think it might be true, HRT does make you shrink a little
chat
CHAT
between these two guitars which would you buy
https://www.epiphone.com/en-US/p/Electric-Guitar/EPI8U8980/Tobacco-Burst
I'm drawn to the LPJ for the (idea of its) simplicity, but on paper the Gretsch would be more versatile, also I like the look a bit more
fwiw I have a squier stat with 3 single coils in the typical strat config, but I like using the bridge only most often, which is why I feel like even tough the gretsch would be more versatile, the LPJ would still suit me fine
Aurora (one of our system members) wrote a thing: Sternenlied
I am become waomboymoder, eater of garlic
grabbed a copy of this book thanks for the rec Eco! Very engaging right off the bat!
edit: a couple chapters in and loving it
cw bodily fluids, advice wanted
ok, so, i'm losing my mind here. for like as long as i can remember, every time i go to brush my teeth, i gag on the damn toothpaste or brush. but lately, its getting really bad. this morning, i literally puked up a bunch of water (and maybe my meds that i just took??) i had just drank and just now at night i nearly lost my supper. i've been having trouble eating as-is for various reasons so i think its understandable that i'm frustrated at trying to keep food down and maintain dental hygiene.
wtf, chat? like, what do i even do about this? has anyone run into this before? i'm not like jamming anything on my tongue back there, so i don't know why - i've given up trying to brush my tongue at this point due to this.
Saturday nights all right for fighting
so cold
I think a lot about how one or two serious conversations in 2020 could have saved me, or at least made a difference
Like, if one person had taken a chance on me. I could've been so much, done so much for them.
I want to Do It Everyday!
Is it supposed to get this bad? Am I supposed to be writing the things I'm writing? Nobody's saying it's a problem. Maybe this is the trans experience, commenters and peers alike watching me spit and sputter until I deflate like a balloon. "We will not, shall not, intervene until you say the magic words"
*He wept, for he knew not the magic words
I'm here, I'm dysphoric, I'm willing to learn but have no teacher. What more does the world need from me? Should I start asking girls to take me shopping? They'll think I'm a creepy fucking dude but I can do it.
Honest question
Do you all just have communities IRL? Because for me the lack of in person community has been the biggest hurdle to figuring anything out, and yet Hexbear reacts to me with "befuddlement" because I yearn for community.
Maybe I should step back, is there an even more obscure trans space for people with zero anybody? Am I on the wrong forum? The reaction I get here is like I'm trying to buy car parts, like I'm completely out of my depth.
I genuinely need someone to explain to me the dissonance between what I want and others want. Am I too lonely? Is something else wrong with me that's obvious to everyone else? Am I yearning for something I'm not supposed to yearn for? Tell me if it's a bad thing to want.
Sex
I want to experience sex as a woman. I want someone to see me as desirable, irresistible. I want to make someone go crazy because I'm magic to them.
I know that that's shitty and problematic but that's what I want. Nobody ever talked about sex with me when I was a guy. How on earth am I supposed to know anything now. I just know how I want to feel.
can't even be wrong in the right ways smdh
spoiler
i'm so fucking lonely. fuck.
the old mega is dying. the new mega struggles to be pinned.
now is the time of posters.
I think things will be going smoothly for a while
it's gonna be a "Sing Will Wood until my nose bleeds" sorta night ain't it
I love the Children of trilogy, it's the closest that I've ever seen hard sf get to that Star Trek IDIC ethos.
Already asked this in the other mega and got a response (thanks @Eco@hexbear.net!) but I wanted to see if I could get some more recs.
If I wanted to get into reading yuri, what would I start with?
Supportive parents trying to understand/help their trans kids always makes me tear up. I know that's just how parents should be, idk its just so sweet.
Maybe I just wish I was closer to mine.
self hate
I am a disgusting waste of resources and everyone will be better off without me.
I wish I wasn't a worthless piece of shit. If nothing else so my mom didn't waste so much of her life on me.
I'm so sorry.
my cool nails
only downside was resisting the urge to bunnyhop everywhere to save time 
One of them wants to form a big cuddle pile with all your trans cuties and make animal noises
