Where do I look when seated at a restaurant to seem normal?
Where do I look when seated at a restaurant to seem normal?
(when seated in a group with others, i should clarify. if i'm by myself i'm absolutely happy to be on my phone or book)
i genuinely have an issue. it's like....there's people on all sides. i need to rest my eyes somewhere, esp in a social setting which is already inherently a bit wearing
- if you look down at your food, you look sad or disinterested or whatever
- if you look at the ceiling that's insane, isn't it?
so that's down and up out. let's look at:
- the sides, which have people there or nearly there, or obscuring the view of a nice window or painting, and you can't stare at people.
fuck fuck fuck. what about:
- the center. oh no. this is the nightmare zone. let's break it down into 3 sections: the top contains their face, that's quite insane to look at. downwards, the table across from you with their food, that could seem like you're looking at their body very intently, can't do that. the middle? if it's a woman, then that's very much bad form. but if you're a guy generally attracted to women, part of your brain wants to look no matter what, at least a little. and since when you're sitting, forward is the most natural direction to look (you can't really turn around or move, particularly), so you keep coming back to it and AHH FUCK
fucking nightmare.
Scan the room left to right. Quickly. Do it 3-10x. Survey the people.
Now. Go to the far left person, look at their head. Maintain eye to head contact for 3 seconds. Now with your mouth make a (bzzzrrr) noise and turn your head slowly to the next person. When you stop turning your head make a (kerthnk, zzp) noise. Do this for every person in the restaurant. You now have data on everyone.
Next step, scan for exits, reposition yourself at the table so that your back faces the nearest structural wall, this will be useful if there is a fire fight. Turn your seat backwards and plant your feet far apart for maximum stability, also granting you the mobility to leap to your feet and dive through a window if necessary.
I assume you are wearing leather gloves and a bandana, nod to yourself and squeeze your hands a few times to get the blood flowing.
The server is here, order nuggies and a water. You'll need your protein, but you are prepared.
Go forth and conquer the world my child.
Ah yes the scanning motions of a Terminator.
Add in some flourishes for good effect.
"Biological lifeform detected."
"Scanners active. Servos engaged. All systems nominal."
"Defensive matrix online. Karate chop mode engaged."
Abed, is that you?
TotallyNotRobots
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_effect
The spotlight effect is the psychological phenomenon by which people tend to believe they are being noticed more than they really are. Being that one is constantly in the center of one's own world, an accurate evaluation of how much one is noticed by others is uncommon. The reason for the spotlight effect is the innate tendency to forget that although one is the center of one's own world, one is not the center of everyone else's. This tendency is especially prominent when one does something atypical.[1]
Research has empirically shown that such drastic over-estimation of one's effect on others is widely common. Many professionals in social psychology encourage people to be conscious of the spotlight effect and to allow this phenomenon to moderate the extent to which one believes one is in a social spotlight.[2]
See also: masking
Trying too hard to mask + spotlight effect? You're gonna have a bad time. It took me a while to eventually learn to just like not stare at someone too long and you'll be fine. Nobody cares unless it's them you're staring at, and even then they probably don't care all that much.
Numerous experiences in my life have proven to me that this is partly accurate and op has grounds to be worried.
I cannot count the times i was lost in thought in a public space and someone interrupted me with "the fuck you looking at?" or "is something wrong?" type of questions.
People notice. You notice. Sometimes it's ignored, but enough times you need to unscramble your thoughts to answer a "the fuck you looking at?" out of nowhere.
Having a phone is the modern excuse. Just stare at the screen or pretend you're scrolling.
Yet, having a low self-esteem will make one anxious in a public setting quite unreasonably. And while hard to achieve all the time, an answer is in fact to stop caring about what other people think. It does work.
Just don't stare at one thing that long.
Look at your food when cutting it.
Look at others when talking in conversation. Keep at least half your eye contact on the person talking, but look at others for their reactions as well.
If there is something interesting between two people, rest your eyes there for a while.
People will notice long term staring more than short shifts
This post is amazing.
Holy shit I'm so glad I don't have your brain OP
try just doing whatever you want
While you're eating, it's fine to look at your food. When someone's talking, it's ok to look at them. All the other times, just look around. Other tables, out the window, decor, other people, etc. As long as you don't linger, it's never gonna look weird. Even if you do linger, it's whatever, just say you enjoy whatever you're looking at. Decor, someone's eyeglasses, makeup, whatever.
"I enjoy your boobs."
"I really like your shirt". "Beautiful flower model" etc.
But yeah, boobs are the best.
looking at your food or plate is okay. people don't think you're sad, just preoccupied or interested in your food.
btw you can always close your eyes and picture a jumping cow. it's free
Well now that cow is stuck in my head thanks
I prefer rotation
As you get older you care less and less what people think, and you get better and better at taking care of numero uno.
I invite you to stick around long enough to see that this is true, no matter how implausible it might seem right now.
Just breathe bro, you're overthinking everything. I used to feel like this, too, it'll get easier.
Make some eye contact when you're talking to the person you're with. You don't have to stare, but enough to show that you're listening/ engaged.
Don't be afraid to be awkward. Embrace it. Try to have fun.
(Not an insult) i assume you're autistic or have some autistic traits, so maybe people in the autism forums could help too.
Generally you can look at anything and everything you want to look at, but just don't do it for more than a few seconds in a row.
Like for example if there's two of you at a table and you're having a conservation then it would go something like this. look in you tablemate's eyes for 3-5 seconds, then look at your plate for a few seconds while you're using your utensils on your food, then look in your tablemate's eyes for another 3-5 seconds, then look at the wall decor for a few seconds, then back at your tablemate's eyes for a few seconds, then back on your plate to look at what you're eating for a few seconds, then back to your tablemate's eyes again for a few seconds. Now that i talk it out, i think it's right for about every other look to be at your tablemate's eyes.
Basically it's the same as any situation where you're having a conversation with someone. Look at their eyes for a few seconds, then look at something else for a couple seconds, then look back at their eyes again for a few seconds.
I also think this. Am I autistic? I feel like normal people think these thoughts too. Any normal people here to verify?
there are no normal people here, but I can say I don't have to think about where I'm looking all the time. well, I sometimes have to catch myself not checking out cleavage.
No, this isn't a typical thing people think about. Which is why it's associated with autism, (social) anxiety, and/or ADHD. Now, it doesn't mean you definitely have any of those, but it's something to consider as part of a larger picture.
I suggest you pursue medical/therapeutic support if you find that this anxiety is negatively affecting how you live your life :)
No diagnosis here, is that normie enough? We all have the spotlight effect, some more than others. Autism symptoms or diagnosis just point you in a viable direction for effective help.
Eye contact isn't so bad, as written here already: quick smile or nod that acknowledged the eye contact, then scan to the next point of Interest or head. I basically keep looking around all the time, unless my dinner date is speaking to me or visa versa, then I try to maintain contact at the table. Looking at you plate isnt so bad either.
The bad thing is staring, even more so if your gaze is not empty but clearly with intent. You can always fake 'coming back' from staring if this happens, move your face in a way that eludes the feeling you just 'woke up' from a stare, smile apologetically, move your gaze to the next item.
This might feel like a lot of work in the beginning, but you only just started and have been practicing awkward gazes all your life ^^ , so feeling a bit outside of your comfort zone is to be expected when trying these new things.
I am definitely not "normal", but I do not think in autistic. I however have extreme social anxiety and I do think thoughts like the OP. So I think you can feel that way for more than one reason, be it autism or social anxiety or whatever
I am normal (as far as I know) and sure, I think about things like this but the answer seems more obvious - I look at whatever has my attention at that moment. The flow of attention happens naturally, perhaps that is the difference. I think it's important to remember a couple of things:
People are all focused on themselves more than you.
It's fine to fake it. Social interaction at something like a group meal is a superficial thing, just do what everyone else is doing and ask a couple of questions, answer when someone speaks to you, enjoy the food.
Most people don't consciously think about these things very often at all. Generally there's only a very occasional sudden realization that you've been starting at a person's eyes for a bit too long and so look away for a moment. But really this is only a very very occasional thing. We almost never consciously think "ok where should i point my eyes now?"
Or at least that's how it is for me. I guess I'm assuming that's how it is for most people too.
Don't worry about what you're looking at or what's around you. Try this life hack: Concentrate on your thoughts.
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Go through your mind and start thinking of all the things you're grateful for.
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Do simple math problems in your head.
things like that. They keep your mind busy and if you're worried about what people think of you when they see you, if your mind is occupied with things like that, people around you will see you as genuinely pensive with no affectations or awkwardness.
And if you're still worried about what you're looking at, there is a concept in yoga called DRISHTI, which is "the thing (s) you happen to be looking at when you are concentrating or deep in thought." It doesn't matter what you're looking at and It's okay to look at nothing in particular when you're concentrating /deep in thought.
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I think you need to stop looking at yourself.
Uncle Iroh?
Just look wherever, don't overthink it.
You're there to eat, as everyone else. It's not like you have some instagram gym diva a table over that's itching to publicly shame you.
I usually focus on my food, converse with the others i'm there with and occasionally look around to see if someone ordered something i want too.
If people take offense in that, so be it. Go be offended.
Window. I look out a window. Also why I like sitting near windows.
Look around, but don't stare. Engage in conversation and use the "rules" for that.
If you're socially not allowed to people watch, bring a newspaper or a book.
I look at my phone when I eat by myself at cafes or non restaurants.
look at your phone while waiting.
it doesn't matter if the screen is on or not.
have a sip of water every now and then. now suddenly you look like a busy person!
Might as well look at your phone then, wherever you sit. It's 2024, that's considered normal these days right?
Or maybe, just maybe find a date to bring along with, and at least attempt to try holding a normal conversation and try getting to know each other.
Bro can't even go to a restaurant without feeling awkward and you want them to go on a date?
I usually either just look at whoever is talking at the moment, or at my food while I'm eating it. I've never gone out to eat with a group where no one was talking.
Phone
You just sit there and stare at your phone like a normal person. Or you could take a book.
The correct answer is to find someone who isn't facing towards you and stare at their back.
Alternatively, if you put your hand on your chin like you're thinking of something, then you can stare at your food while looking like you're thinking, instead of like you're sad.
Sounds exhausting. How about the menu? Study it like there will be a test on it tomorrow.
If someone enters your personal one meter radius, immediately maintain direct eye contact with them to assert control over your domain. Stare them down. Do not blink. Blinking is a sign of weakness. You must assert dominance over your territory or else (by law) the restaurant will kick you out to make way for its stronger patrons.
I love this question.
And sitting in a place of extreme privilege I say, meh, be you. Look everywhere. Here, there, wherever. If you catch someone's eyes share a quick smile and look somewhere else. Fuck'm
First, be you.
Second, try to remember no one cares, and if they do, that's on them.
Third, ok, so don't stare, look everywhere.
This probably isn't the answer you're looking for. Sorry. But it is the answer that sprang into my brain. And in the theme of "be you" I typed it.
It's a great question and lots of folks have good perspectives. Big hugs and your you is awesome
If I'm not looking at my food, I just look at other people's food. I hate eye contact, conversation, and eating near people so restaurants are awful for me.
I am an autistic person so this is hard-won knowledge and you should take it seriously.
Look at whoever is speaking to you. Also, contribute to the conversation.
If you sit there in a group and you never speak or engage with the conversation, there is nowhere you can put your eyes to prevent awkwardness.
If eye contact is hard for you, suck it up and practice.
Human culture does not give you a pass just because socializing is hard for you. What is expected is that you make the effort even when it is painful and difficult. That effort is appreciated by those around you, far more than fluidity of interaction.
People like fluidity because it is a marker that someone has put in the work. The work is the important thing. Making an effort is a signal of devotion to the group.
That’s why special occasions call for high-effort clothing. That’s why neckties are a thing. The effort is the signal.
If you do not send the signal that you are making the effort, it will be awkward, people will resent you, and your life will be much harder.
Eyeball direction is not enough, sorry.
and you can't stare at people.
You can't?
I can. :)
Look around for the person with the biggest tits. Rest your eyes there, whenever you don't need them for your eating (I mean the eyes).
If they belong to a person of your preferred sex, you are lucky. Otherwise, do it anyway, just for practising.