What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.
He said he can't complain.
Why did the farmer win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I dipped my balls in glitter.
Pretty nuts, right?
what's red and smells like blue paint?
red paint.
Brian and Bob were walking through the forest when they came across a set of tracks.
"Those are cougar tracks!" Bob exclaimed.
"Hell, no! Those are coyote tracks." Brain said.
"I'm tellin' you, I've been out in these woods since I was little, and those are cougar tracks!"
"There's no cougars in this part of the country. Those are coyote tracks!"
Then they both got hit by a train.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?
He was too far out, man.
Timing.
What is the most important aspect to remember when telling a joke?
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
If a threesome is with three people, and a foursome is with four, then i think i get why they call you handsome...
What's long and brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown, and rhymes with "Snoop?"
Dr. Dre.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
For drizzle, m'nizzle.
How does Helen Keller know when she's done wiping?
Taste test.
I've got tons of this shit for when we've got downtime at work.
I wrote a book. I have the page numbers done, and now I just have to fill in the rest. I wrote a song too, but I can’t read music, so I don’t know what it is.
When my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.
Bob and Doug are building a fence.
Bob is throwing away half the nails.
Doug asks "Why are you throwing away the nails.
Bob replies "The heads are on the wrong end"
Doug shakes his head and says "Stupid, use those nails on the other side of the fence"
Why did the surgeon hate performing toe amputations?
...he was lack-toes intolerant.
Me: Mind if I ask you a question?
Random person: Sure.
Me: Great, can I ask another?
One more, I'm sorry.
I've been making wine at home but I make it out of raisins so it'll be aged automatically.
I was Caesarean born. Can’t really tell.. Although, whenever I leave a house I go through the window.
What do you get when you pull the wings off of a fly?
A walk.
Why can't a dog dance?
Because it has two left feet.
This one is a true story:
I was in Dallas Love Field with my daughter several years ago.
I said, "You know, this is where John Kennedy landed only a few hours before he was killed. Show some respect and try not to make an ass...assin of yourself."
Roughly fifteen years later her eyes still haven't come back from rolling into the back of her head
I'm still proud of myself for coming up with that little airport joke on the fly
What's the most common type of owl in the UK?
The Teat-owl
'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was not yet heard of.
A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!" replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.
At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.
Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. "But what of the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.
Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
"Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called "Halt!" and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.
The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions' den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts --- but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.
On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of tea?" Daniel replied, "C-U-N-T!" And the Queen departed.
On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of pills?" Daniel replied, "NIP-PILLS!" And the Queen departed.
Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon it. "Oh, it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked the King. "TES-TICKLES!" roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.
Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.
Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, "Where's the Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?" "Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis." "Not that fucking Greek again!" cried Daniel.
This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.
Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature's attire. "Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be fucked if I will!" shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.
When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!"; not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, "Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!"
Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.
Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.
Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.
Two fish in a tank.
One turned to the other and asked; "How do we drive this thing?"
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Choking noise (🍆)
This joke was passed on to me from my mom:
What is black, hides in a tree, and is extremely dangerous?
Answer:
A crow with a machine gun.
Whenever someone says "oh my god" i say "you may call me [insert name here]"
How do you get down off of an elephant?
YOU DON'T! You get down off of a duck!
A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.
What's small, green, and has wheels? Grass. I added the wheels to make it sound cooler.
Extremely nerdy:
- I accidentally gave a guy a BLJ instead of a BJ and he got launched up the fucking stairs
Slightly less nerdy:
- Hey did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? It's a Pretty Nuts Story!
Why can't your nose by 12 inches long? Then it would be a foot.
I’m going to court next week. I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case. 6,000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant …I don’t think they did it. I know a few of them and they wouldn't do anything like that
What did the tree said to the woodpecker? Nothing, trees don't fucking speak.
Tiger Woods. It's no place for a picnic.
“I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I thought to myself, ‘You know, now's the time I should start stealing some stuff since I don't have any fingerprints.
What do you call a pirate's finger stuck to the bottom of a sailing ship by a metal rod through the joint? A Barrr-knuckle!
Him: Hey, when you're out camping, do you enjoy it when you wake up in the morning and water vapor condensers on your lenses?
Me: DEW EYE?!?
Never break more than one rule at a time. Example: don't drive drunk if you're black.
A guy walks into a bar and he says 'ow'.
Two pirates walk into a bar, err sorry, two POLICEMEN walk into a bar.
The bar is a shady sort, classic barkeep spits in a glass, and polishes it with a dirty tablecloth.
The policemen sit down each on his own bar stool, but the stools have been recently polished, and one of them slips falling on the floor and snagging his pants on the stool, making them drop to his ankles.
The other policeman in an effort to help his partner, reaches down to help, only to be pulled down by his partner, snagging his own pants while falling and landing crotch-to-butt on top of his partner! Now this is starting to stir up quite the commotion and people are starting to notice this trouble. They both start writhing with pants snagged trying to stand up only for the rubbing to accidentally escalate into a bit of sweaty greasy butt-action, making things even more awkward for the already red-faced policemen! At this point they start pushing and grunting trying there hardest to wriggle out of this position.
spoiler
Then the barkeep shouts: "I KNEW IT, YOU ARE PIRATES!"
A guy told this at a stand-up competition broadcast live a few years ago and nobody in the audience laughed, and nobody watching with me, except for me. It's still one of my favorites :D It kind of has to be told verbally and the more time for "The aristocrats" style shenanigans you have the better. I like to tell it at meetings with clients and then enjoy the crickets once nobody laughs except me :D
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she's always running away from balls
What's pink, weighs a ton, and drags at the bottom of the ocean?
Answer
Moby's dick.
How do blind skydivers know when to deploy their chute?
When the leash goes slack.
Heh. Popsickle.
I like to stand around somebody until they give me attention then I just Gangnam style on em. It drives people soooo mad.
Coque... say that word
