Trans Megathread for the Week of December 23rd, 2024 to December 29th, 2024 - TMGC MEGA
Trans Megathread for the Week of December 23rd, 2024 to December 29th, 2024 - TMGC MEGA
Greetings, salutations even! I know this is a tough time of year for many of us, and all I ask is that you all make this the best week you possibly can. If the holidays are a struggle, take time to care for yourself if you can. Hang out with friends, do the things you love, find that sweet gender euphoria, follow what makes you truly happy. Oh, and continue to be yourselves :). Alright everybody, get ready for the largest mega I’ve ever written (I think).
Welcome to the TMGC mega! I have been hyping this up, probably for months now, and it’s my time to deliver on what might be the one of the best Fire Emblem experiences of all time. Buckle up, because this is going to be a long one. Most of the post will have light to no spoilers, but some parts may have a moderate amount of spoilers. With that out of the way, let’s find out what this game has to offer.
What is Fire Emblem? (no spoilers)
Fire Emblem is a strategy role-playing game series where you move your units to fight enemy units on a grid. The simplest way to think about it is like chess, where you have a large team of units fighting another large team of units, while your units are more like characters in that they have personalities. In most entries, these units are also able to have conversations with each other, providing more detail to the characters or the story, while also making the supported characters stronger. The games take place in a medical fantasy setting, with swords, axes, lances, different magics, and staves, with creatures like horses, pegasi, and wyverns.
What is Fire Emblem: The Morrow’s Golden Country (TMGC)? (no spoilers)
TMGC is a romhack of Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones. It has it’s own story, characters, maps, mechanics, and for all intents and purposes, it’s a whole game built in the engine of Sacred Stones.
Story Outline and Characters (light spoilers)
TMGC features Blair as the protagonist. As a young lesbian lord from the Aercolyn territory within the Dalstinian Alliance, the game follows her around the continent and throughout the many nations. At first, the game features a pretty standard Fire Emblem plot, where one of the nations declares war on a couple of the others, which kicks the story into action. However, it evolves greatly beyond that point, with political drama, suspense, mystery, conspiracy, and so much more that make the story stand out. Of course, I also find the story to be very well written, especially when compared to many other Fire Emblem games. Along for the ride with Blair is Arin, her closest friend and self-taught tactician/advisor. They will also meet and recruit many of their friends and allies, both ones that existed before and during when the story takes place.
A little more on the story (moderate spoilers)
What exactly makes the story of TMGC compelling? Well, it’s the depth. The story involved Blair doing a lot to earn the approval of others, which often has her doing some very ethically questionable things. The plight of the commoner is shown in this game, with entire places on the continent being uninhabitable, yet having poverty-stricken inhabitants. Banditry runs rampant, and yet nobody has attempted to reach out to the struggling masses. The society is still feudal, most of the nations are either ruled by kings or lords. The class divide, that between noble and commoner, is very noticeable, and while it is not explicitly addressed like in some other entries, TMGC makes heavy use of “show don’t tell” with these kind of things. The many aspects of war are also shown, among those who do fight for their country. Mevion, the one country that managed to overthrow it’s king in a revolution, has a lot of revolutionaries who now live mundane lives due to being alienated by a revolutionary movement that was corrupted by opportunists are we still playing Fire Emblem? These people, along with the soldiers/knights of other nations, serve their countries or the people of them, and face the reality that what they fight for is not what they first thought. There are multiple characters that serve their lords and their country, but there are just as many deserters, those dissatisfied with how their lives ended up. There’s also political manipulation. Something happens that should lead to certain people taking power, but through political manipulation puppets are put in place. Countries are occupied by invading forces, and the results of that are felt. The frustrations of working within a political system is felt, as characters try again and again only to realize that it’s never going to work. That the only option when a political entity is inherently corrupt is to fight it.
Characters and Queer Representation (light spoilers, moderate character spoilers)
First of all, the characters in this game are all pretty great, there’s a lot of them, and their supports are written well. The game also lists pronouns for all of the characters in-game as well. Nice touch.
Apollo is a trans man. It’s not revealed that he is at first sight. He’s a man, lives as such, and doing none of his supports leave it at that. However, as his supports are triggered, he gets into more and more of his past. A support chain with the Archbishop reveals that he was rejected, and may have been kicked out by, his parents. A support chain with another trans enby character has them recognizing their similarities, even if they transitioned to different genders. It was good to see a trans character in the game, and while I have not seen all of the supports, I would hope that some of the others manage to go into this as well. To get the lore on this, as far as I know, make sure to do the support chain with Apollo and Vladimir.
There’s also many non-binary characters, including a protagonist character (Viridian) that gets their own arc of the story! Not to mention that sooooooo many of the characters are gay, bi, or pan it’s amazing. I could go over all of them, but I don’t actually know all of them! So, I need to go over a special example. TMGC’s poly characters. Heavy character spoilers, of course.
There’s also everyone’s favorite genderfluid (maybe) enby (maybe) possibly agender (maybe) assassin with a heart Olson. She goes by she/they/he pronouns. I have not seen much to this character, I’ve just gotten them, but his introduction already has her requesting a great title, and they’re a really good unit in combat (100% crit rates and a skill that insta-kills on crit). All hair the Ser Duke-Duchess o7
If Blair gets a B+ support, and crucially does not A support, five of the other women, they all get married at the end and start a polycule. I do not know exactly how the ending goes, I messed up the support chains, but I do know who the people are. Arin, Natasia, Avan, Yuyu, and Estelle. For the poly ending, Blair can only support these five people, which will make more sense once I go over game mechanics. This might be the most queer fire emblem of all time.
Mechanics (no spoilers)
On the topic of supports, each character can only have up to five supports. I’m guessing this is due to hardware limitations, and this is fine for many characters. However, for characters like Blair or Arin, supports have to be done more carefully, considering whether or not you like a character enough to go through a support chain, or even going through another playthrough to see all of the supports. These supports increase stats between the characters, just like in normal FE, but they can also allow for other things, such as class promotions or new weapon proficiency. These can be game changing, with some characters gaining classes that make them the best characters in the game, to once mediocre characters gaining a weapon proficiency that makes them stand out. This not only makes supports more rewarding, but allows for more replayability, with more builds available to the player. TMGC also takes features from other Fire Emblem games in an attempt to create a definitive experience. While the GBA games are great aesthetically and aged really well, they were lacking in some aspects that later games would innovate on. For example, Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn make use of a Base Area that the player can use to go over supports and buy items and such. TMGC adds this, also changing supports to be story-based rather than combat-based a lot of the time. This means that characters don’t have to be fielded to go through their supports (most of the time). Considering how many characters are in this game, it’s a really helpful inclusion. TMGC also adds the save points that were in the DS games. This means a mistake doesn’t necessarily equal a reset, and it’s great for quality of life, especially considering how big some of these maps can get. Of course, it’s a double-edged sword. Not saving can leave you losing a lot of progress, and saving in a bad spot means you either have to either reset the whole level, or continue on without certain characters. Yes, this game has permadeath and only permadeath, there is no casual mode. However, there are also SOOOOOO many characters. Losing a few characters won’t be the end of the world gameplay-wise (I’m still a perfectionist for supports and story, although R.I.P. Butch, there goes My Hero), and you won’t likely find yourself unable to complete the game. TMGC adds personal skills as well, something that was featured in certain entries of the series, removed for the GBA games, and the added again for the following entries. These really make each individual character stand out. For example, you can have a normal mercenary, or you can have a mercenary with a hit chance skill, who can level up high stats except for skill. The game likes to do this a lot, and it allows for certain units to be strong while posing some sort of challenge. There are of course alternatives to these units, I don’t have to use Gaylord if I don’t want to (yes there’s a character named Gaylord, yes he’s really good, and yes, he’s straight). Something really interesting about certain skills is that they become combat arts. For a certain amount of weapon durability, skills like Luna (ignore defense/resistance) and Sol (heal HP in damage dealt) can be triggered manually on the player’s turn, rather than having a chance of activating during an attack. This can allow for many interesting strategies. There’s one boss that has really high resistance, defense, and legendary tome when most of the characters aren’t even promoted. However, Kenneth (a dark mage) has the Luna skill, which I can manually activate to come up with a plan to kill the unkillable. As a reward, I received a gem I could sell for 30,000 gold (that’s a lot). This also ends a defend map early, meaning it could be easier to keep certain weaker units safe. Back to the Tellius games (Path of Radiance & Radiant Dawn), TMGC adds movement skills! Characters can shove, smite, reposition, swap, etc. with other characters. This allows for great strategies, and I’ve found myself utilizing shove in order to push a certain unit into position a lot. It’s quite fun, and going back to the vanilla games is always a shock when I find that I cannot, in fact, push my units around for extra movement.
There’s also a lot of new classes, spells, weapons, animations and so much more!
I’m realizing that I’m treading a lot of the same ground as I did in my last post, and I’m trying to think about what else to write. The thing is, I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want to spoil the game for you wonderful people! So, you’re going to have to play this for yourself, especially those of you familiar with Fire Emblem.
For those of you unfamiliar with Fire Emblem, this might be difficult to pick up. If you’re willing to figure things out, or DM me for help (seriously, I’m willing to, don’t be shy :)), go right ahead! It’s a great game. However, there are definitely better games to help you get into Fire Emblem as a series. I would recommend Fire Emblem: Three Houses for the Nintendo Switch, or Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia for the 3DS. These games both go over basic Fire Emblem mechanics, while having some of the things TMGC takes inspiration from. Both games make use of combat arts, for example. They are also both really good games, and I would consider Shadows of Valentia to be one of my favorite Fire Emblem games, especially in it’s presentation. And yes, if I do a Fire Emblem mega next time, it’s going to be a Shadows of Valentia mega. Those who saw the last time I hosted the megathread are sure to recognize the characters :)
If you want to play Fire Emblem: The Morrow’s Golden Country, you’ll need a GameBoy Advance emulator (I use MGBA) as well as a copy of Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones (shouldn't be hard to find). From there, download the patch (sorry for google link, the patch is regularly updated) and apply it to the Sacred Stones rom using RomPatcher. From there, you have a functioning TMGC rom and are ready to play.
I think that’s going to be all from me today. Again, I hope the holidays go well for all of you. I know this is a tough time of year, and I wish you all the best of luck. I also encourage you to keep up the posting in both the mega and tracha. I’ll likely spend some time in tracha myself, and who knows, maybe we can even talk about Fire Emblem. Don’t suffer in silence, feel free to vent frustrations. Love you all, let’s have a great week!
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!
the list as it stands:
SadArtemis (12/30 - 1/5) Eco* (1/6 (The Darkest Day in Our Democracy.) - 1/12) Yukiko (1/13 - 1/19) oscardejarjayes* (1/20 - 1/26) SwitchyandWitchy* (1/27 - 2/2) SILLY BEAN@lemmygrad.ml* (2/3 - 2/9) AshenWolf* (2/10 - 2/16) GayTuckerCarlson* (2/17 - 2/23) EstraDoll (3/2 - 3/8) * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters
I just did a big burp
young people don't even crucify the christmas gnome any more. it's sad the way these traditions fall out of favour
lewd, endocrinology question
hey uh, is it normal to get like, abruptly stupidly horny out of nowhere after exercising and having like a runner's high endorphin rush mixed with "holy shit why am I in heat all of a sudden"
like I never usually get worked up outta nowhere anymore so now I'm worried my levels might be fucked up or something
Was switching phones to the slightly less shitty one I have and lost half of my Yuri images :(
Like I have actual important photos I could've lost and yet its the Yuri that I'd making me distraught
For Xmas I got the gift of illness, caught some other respiratory thing no idea what, covid19 test still says negative, again have a fever, tonsils swollen af, congested AF with scary neon mucus, and a cough. It's kicking my ass to the point I had to miss out on work yet again, get more of these and I won't have to worry about getting fired due to a future surgery. Shame, I was getting better too. Unlike last time this time I'm so sick all I could do was lie around in a semi-sleep fever dream while a low grade fever makes me sweat it out. Last time was the cool illness, at least I had enough consciousness to read, this time is not so cool, can't even follow a movie or a non-theory ez book without falling asleep. This illness 0/10.
spoiler
I socialized with close friends yesterday, so today I get to freak out and try to stop my brain from thinking they all hate me and want me gone. I hate my brain, why does it try to hurt me so much when people express that they enjoy my company? Why does it not want me to be happy? I should be happy and joyful and instead i feel alone and like all the people I know are out for blood, my blood.
To be clear, they have done literally nothing to indicate this, its all in my head. Well, my heart. Is there a word for delusions of the heart? Cause thats what ive got. I dont get paranoid delusions about cognitive things, i just get super fucking deluded and paranoid about emotional things. I hate this.
I get to see my sis today
did you know: @EstraDoll@hexbear.net is a myth made up by big anxiety to sell more anxiety???
i keep asking myself if i really like this girl or not like i didn't already write her a love letter once without intention on sending it
i printed it off and i'm going to bring it to her when we talk on Saturday but I'm not sure if there will be a good time at all to bring it up, or if it's a good idea in the first place. i'll just hold onto it in my pocket and play it by ear i guess
This would usually be a c/disability post but Idk, cw chronic pain mention of vomit
My better half and I went out on a cartrip with my dad to get my brother from the airport a few towns over, he sucks way worse at driving than he did ten years ago tbh.
Aside from the wash of small towns built around churches conjuring some kind of old existential dread, I could not last the full five hours in the car and right at the end I fuckin puked. Probably my first genuine car sickness in my life, which figures between bad driving, the car being musty (he has a dog and never washes it) and my fuckin body deteriorating.
Thing is I guess it hurts A LOT because various parts of my ribcage haven't stopped screaming at me since. It hurts to even use my arms for most stuff, lmao. Guess I'll keep going but Idk.
my dad was given a £70 bottle of whisky by someone, but he doesn't drink so now i have it
looking forward to trying it
american psychonauts 2
dysphoria, face shaving
I woke up this morning feeling so trapped in my body. It didn't get better at all until I shaved, but even then I already felt so done with the day ಥ╭╮ಥ Maybe I need to start shaving in the evenings, so when I wake up it doesn't feel so jarring? Or I just need to fucking get it lazered already... I've been delaying it for so long, it's like I have some sort of vandetta against myslef.
I couldn’t sleep last night. Work is going to be hell today. Ugh.
Did my eyebrows the other day and found a foundation that matches my skin tone as well as some decent drug store eyeliners.
Then yesterday my girlfriend straightened my bangs and showed me how to do a wing decently and cleaned up my brows further. On saturday I had another session of laser as well. The girl in the mirror is starting to appear daily now and I'm so excited, I've been wanting to perform girl even more lately as I've just been vibing on HRT for the last year. My voice is starting to come out a bit when I'm actually trying and I'm becoming a bit more confident in it aahhhh things are starting to come up. I just need to figure out a way to leave my current shitty job and still be able to afford rent cuz I am struggling AND I can't be openly trans. Shit sux but I don't have any qualifications whatsoever so what can I really do
Queer open house xmas night was wonderfulllll!
it was such a nice turnaround from yesterday im so happppyyyyyy (and stoned )
the uk gave the host of the apprentice political power before it was cool
(before the apprentice existed, even)
Keep getting dysphoria at night. Makes me wanna go to bed early.
Top surgery stuff, potentially gross
I have a hole in my left breast's incision! YAY! Hope it's not a big deal, so I contacted my surgeon and slathered it in neosporin and a bandage.
That aside, what a miserable day today was! And I didn't even celebrate Yahweh's son. It was just a miserable day! :D
pet death
Its done. I buried my life long friend, [removed for opsec] the tortoise. I have never felt this sad before. I'm so sorry. I loved you. I'll never forget him.
I can't believe he's gone. My earliest memories. All the moves. He was always there and happy to see me. And he's gone now.
I have grieved pets before but not like this.
So I enjoyed yesterday and today, getting to spend time with family, chilling, etc. General winposting, better than I expected.
So I said seeing my family went better than I thought. They literally came up to me, hugged me, said they were glad to see me, and that I looked beautiful. Only one family member slipped up once, quickly correcting themselves. The only family I've seen is my mom's close family, and they're all pretty good people. Kept it small, still got overwhelmed (sensory overload), but I still had a great time. It was great to catch up with everyone, and have them treating me no differently than they would have before. I was not only being treated like a human being, but I was treated like a woman, and I did not get the whole 20 questions stuff that I usually get, which didn't throw me into sensory overload as soon as they showed up. Nice, 9.9/10. Also, somewhere on tracha I shared one of the gifts I got. It's literally a giant fluffy hoody with axolotls on it that somewhat resemble the trans colors. That second part was accidental, but I love it so much. Also, they play Fire Emblem**? I got to talk Fire Emblem? Yet another W for them.
I got really lucky with my parents in so much of this, and I'm really thankful for them. They had already been cutting off the crappier members of the extended family, and when I started transitioning they cut off anybody who complained or was against it. Wasn't much more to do at that point, that side of the family is either good, okay, or really shitty, but it makes it so I don't have to deal with any bullshit, and I really appreciate that from them, because we shouldn't have to deal with shitty people, and I'm glad they see that.
Today, I essentially ate a breakfast with my close family, and that was that. Got chinese food for dinner, and played games with my sibilings. My mom even got me some interesting things, like a necklace with the chemical structure of estradiol (she and my sister like chemistry). I also ate a ton of chocolate, because they got that for me too.
This is probably the best holiday experience I've had in how low-key it was and how nice it was. Keeping it small was the best change we ever made to the holidays, because it's so much easier for everyone this way.
**Yea, every single family member who was there is autistic, it's quite the interesting experience. Side tangent, but I grew up thinking so many things were more typical only to realize my sample was a box of "oops, only autistics".
that girl in the mirror is starting to look really pretty
(cw: dysphoria, surgery regret, self harm/suicidal ideation) - I want my last post to be about where I've been, who I am, and what haunts me
It's been 825 days since surgery. After saying no and being convinced I was just nervous in the morning and crying on the way to the operating room, I had vaginoplasty. I told the anesthesiologist to let me be the one to say go, but I don't remember doing that. Everyone was so happy for me when I did it. I was weak and tired, I could barely stay awake and all I knew was I didn't want to look at what I had even when they offered. I told them I would wait until the final day they take everything out. I didn't know what to feel, but everyone was happy for me in the room, so I accepted the kindness. I haven't been surrounded by support like that in person before.
I spent the next three months recovering, that's all my day was. I didn't have time to think about things. It was nice to know I didn't have to tuck anymore, but it was because I didn't have to tuck away my being a trans person anymore. I could deflect being trans now. When I go back to day to day life, the weird feelings came back. It took about a month and a half for me to find the words and ask myself "was this wrong?" Bit late for that, so I debated it with myself. After two months it became unbearable and I was understanding things weren't right. I knew I hated the v*gina on me, but I didn't understand why - it looked good, after all. It took a trip to the ER for the panic attacks and trouble breathing for me to start a path of healing my deep transphobia and hatred. I had to tell three cis men I was trans to even explain what was going on in my life. I braced myself, but it was fine. They were nice. I posted about this on @artificialset@hexbear.net and decided to be open about being trans on there. It was the first time I did that on main here. People were nice again. My shame was withering. I spent the next month coming out everywhere, even starting a new job and being open about being trans. I made new trans friends and was open with them, joined servers, posted along in the comms/subreddits. When I finally looked back, I didn't even recognize the girl who denied herself and forced a surgery to remove the transness.
I spent most of 2023 fighting with friends, a therapist, a partner, medical professionals to listen to me and accept that I made a mistake. There were people who made it very hard for me and I let myself spend too much time trying to appeal to them. In the same way that they ignored the warning signs before surgery, they ignored my saying no, they denied my revelations once again. They're not in my life anymore, but still, it took a lot of stamina to fight for myself all year - on top of dealing with the PTSD surgery left me with. I was tired.
2024 has been spent forming new friendships, finding a supportive therapist, and inadvertently meeting a partner too. There were really good things that happened this year, but all of them in the shadow of dysphoria. The horror of not just having a misaligned body, but a body that was once exactly what I wanted and then misaligned. I fought all year to get a surgeon to say yes to helping me, he finally said we can move onto scheduling, then he called me a few days later and said he changed his mind. He told me he would contact me in a few weeks after talking to people and seeing what options he could find, but it's been a month and the silence continues. I'm left with being unsure of how to proceed and exhausted. More than anything, I'm heartbroken at the thought of finding relief.
I hate this thing on me. The labias, I fucking hate them. They are remnants of my scrotum in a state that may not even able to be re-configured to be a scrotum again. The canal is so horrifying to me. I douche every day to make sure a biome doesn't form down there. I hate it so much and I'm scared to check if it's mostly closed at this point. No one will surgically close it for me, so I just try not to think about it and hope that it's mostly gone now. It's also so messy to pee now. I have to clean the v*gina everyday and try my best to not think about it when I do. Fuck the clitoris, taken from the most sensitive parts from my dick and used in a way that will never be able to be reconfigured into what is was. It can be buried in a phallus one day for hopeful sensation in one area, but it will never fill the phallus like it once did. I hate every piece of this thing on me. It horrifies me and ruined my life. I've started feeling the urge to self harm it recently. I want it to hurt, I don't want it to be on me and no one will take it off of me despite how much pain I'm in. I know it won't do anything and only get in the way of a successful phalloplasty, so harming it will never happen, but I just hate it so much.
I really feel alone so often. I have incredible people in my life, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm on an island with these feelings. I want them to go away. I want to go away. If there's even a 1% chance I can die without having a v*gina on my body, I'll continue. For now it's still above 1%, so life continues.
Sorry there's not anything more, that's it for now.
I've had a very cozy christmas so far. Baking sweets, enjoying time with my parents and finally allowing myself to just relax
I've been ill for the last month with a cough that turned Into pneumonia. And then I finally got over it two days ago - the first time in literally a month I haven't been coughing up a lung, but I went to visit family and everyone's sick and I think I caught whatever they have. Absolutely losing my mind
Christmas without cis is HRTmas, so merry hrtmas and a happy down with cis to all
gross christmas song
here comes santa claus, here comes santa claus, i gave santa claus brain
I will be making the yuletide (as well as many other things) gay today
Christmas meal with the family. It's nice and all and I probably shouldnt complain since atleast I have a family to have meals with, but this whole christmas thing is just fully in the Meh category. They're all religious too, and there's just so many times I can hear "Oh it's so sad how under attack christianity is!" with a straight face.
Atleast it's an excuse to be pretty
Merry Christmas to all who celebrate, both religiously and otherwise :)
I interacted with people in a party setting for the first time as my new self a bit ago (I've been chronically offline for the past few days so I'm just now talking about this now even though it happened like a week ago lol).
I did my hair nice and wore my favorite cute lil outfit and I don't know how to explain it. I felt like every part of me that day was fem as fuck. The way I talked, the way I sat, the way I stood, the way I walked, my body language, my facial expressions, everything. Felt. Soooo much like a woman. And the weird thing is it almost felt like the power was coming from the cardigan I was wearing. Almost like having other people see me wearing that particular item of clothing amplified my fem perception of myself to an absurd degree. I'm not even sure that any of the things I listed above even physically changed. It's possible the only thing that changed is my internal perception of them. Like I still walk the exact same but it feels like a woman's walk now.
But the wild thing is that it hasn't worn off. I'm with my family and have been for the past few days. I'm not out to any of them except my sisters. I'm wearing my boy clothes, not doing my hair, going by my legal name, everything. And yet everything about my body movements feel like a woman is doing them. So much so that I'm sitting here thinking there's no way it's not obvious.
Long story short, one lil cardigan jolted my brain into perceiving all of my body movements as fem.
massive potential positive thing
Convincing myself I'm gonna write my old best friend I've posted about before that I've been meaning to reconnect with for ages and I hate that I've put it off for this long and it might fucking kill me if friend rejects me after all this time which would be totally understandable from their perspective considering how I've been ghosting them but I have a nice handmade gift for them I think they'll like that's something personal and also relevant to their taste and a nice package to ship it in and need to think of what to write in a nice letter
Wanted to send something for the holidays earlier but like, they're a secular Jew and I'm not Jewish and I might just make it a New Year's/end of Hanukah gift
Please oh please let this go well because I don't know if I could handle it going poorly
fitness, self image/dysphoria
Hit a weight loss goal.and felt good about myself, had a really good leg day
Tried taking a selfie in the mirror
Cannot take a flattering angle of myself to save my life
Don't have a particularly positive self image overall but holy shit, I'm a terrible selfie photographer and it ruined my good mood
I don't really think I look good normally, but I look a lot better than I do attempting to take a selfie
Silver lining, I looked pretty good for what I'm working with in the mirror after my shower
Didn't really make me feel that much better but I'm telling myself over and over "it's a process" and "you're putting in the work" and "these things take time" and "trust the plan" like a
crank lmaoIs the public Matrix server broken? I haven't been active for a while.
I'm feeling really mentally scattered tonight. My ADHD is in high gear and I can't pay attention to anything for longer than a moment or two at a time. Can't play games. Can't read. Can't paint minis. I hate it.
You can tell this is the case cause I'm posting like a madwoman tonight.
Will pride month next year make trans mega Big™ again?
Going to have to share and analyze my holiday experience tommorow, and why it actually went really well. I was a bit anxious seeing family I hadn't seen as a trans person yet, but they exceeded my expectations, while setting a new standard for how people should act when they first see me.
revolt
It feels like everyone else on this site has friends already. Idk if it's just overrepresentation of people who have communities, or if people who have nobody are supposed to keep quiet about it, or there's just something else I'm missing.
I try, I post about good days, I post about bad days, I post about dysphoria, I post about attraction, I post about cute outfits.
To feel this way in what I have found to be very much a pro-trans space is honestly hard. I don't know to proceed in order to build social bonds. My whole concept of friendship was based around being a depressed guy. I am in complete confusion.
It's frustrating to think that I deserve to stay that way
Is the new Vanripper game Awaria any good? I see lesbians and I crave to play it
Staten Island Italian gay guy that refers to being gay as "this thing of ours"
one of my ultimate transition goals is to one of these days save christmas. this has always been a life goal of mine but i'm calling it a transition goal now
biphobia towards menGot some uncles and shit in my extended family who've fallen deep down the internet transphobia rabbit hole. Word spreads quick in the family so when I'm out more publicly, I'm not gonna be able to hide my transness from them forever. An alternative tactic has presented itself - form a vanguard. I've been probing along their sides of the family for sympathetic people who'll have my back if shit ever goes down about it and centrists I can try to push into taking my side.
Slow going so far, but the advantage of this season is a lot of family is all in the same town so I have an ample pool of potential allies.
Go to tactic so far is making shitty jokes at christmas gatherings to gauge how safe different members of the family are safe to come out to. When my grandmother complained about not seeing any of granddaughters, I joked "Next year, I'll pop some oestrogen and come in a dress." sweep the faces of the gathered family look for which ones reacted with disgust, which found it funny, etc.
last night i was out with a bunch of friends and i talked to a friend of a friend for ages and she was really nice and i got along really well with her and i want to ask her on a date but the idea of doing that makes me so nervous because what if she says no and then i see her again and its awkward aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Took a really good pic of Rosie being a sweetheart and helping me do laundry earlier today (she's super smart and very curious about appliances and household chores, she's tried pawing at the vacuum before after noticing it made her favorite spot on the living room floor clean and tried tapping at the space heater like she was trying to figure out how to turn it on on her own)
Hello, tracha, I would like to conquer one bread please
Transmasc living in the Welsh valleys, call him Dai-Hydrogen Testosterone.
Fire Emblem counter-programming just to be edgy for sure
After finishing Earthbound and falling into one of those awesome ruts that happens after a game that's been halfway part of my schedule for days is gone, I have fully admitted defeat and just started playing Tactics Ogre again, on super famicom this time. I was persuaded to...
I love the Playstation version still but it's pretty cool to play with 0 load times, and hearing the first rendition of the soundtrack is cool, the training theme is better on SFC. Mostly though it's very gratifying to sweep the game and show it who's boss.
I can remember struggling horribly with the battle at Kryzar City because the preacherman NPC kept getting killed by undead. This time I routed the entire enemy force on my first try without a single lost unit, which brought me a level of satisfaction I'm not real sure I can convey. PANDA PRO TIP: keep an archer atop each of the houses dead center the map, it turns the bridge across from them into a slaughtering ground for undead. I'm so fuckin good at this game, oh fuck yeah. It's one of ths only things to bring me any joy lately.
Also I managed to score a good deal on a Retroid Pocket 3+ for my beautiful better half recently, which is pretty cool. Final Fantasy II machine...............
bottom dysphoria? yeah i'm a bottom with some dysphoria sometimes, what about it?
wtf brain!
sexual attraction maybe?
My 6 month HRT anniversary is in a few days. My rl trans friends told me i might start feeling attracted to men but i was like nope i don't think so!
@HelluvaBottomCarter@hexbear.net tuned me into this show Kaos.
There's this man in it, Prometheus. I think my brain is into him? It's so confusing because the spiro has me mostly ace for the last 6 months but i think he's dreamy!? and is a rizzler!? do lesbians ever find men attractive??? attractive isn't really the right word or maybe i just don't want to admit it.
i didn't order this i like women!
dysphoria
I want to be young, and it feels like it's too late to become that way. If I were to transition, I'd be doing so in my 30s. When do I get to be young and wild and free? It wasn't when I thought I was a boy, and it's not now that I'm just confused.
What would it be like to be at parties? What would it be like to show up in pictures with my friends? What would it be like to be thought of? Because that boy that I've been pretending to be, is in zero spontaneous photos with his friends. Never goes out. And nobody thinks about him.
Like, I want to be comfortable, but I also want to be witnessed, to have who I am and want to be affirmed by other people. Otherwise why am I working on myself lol just to feel good in a room alone until I die??
What would it be like to be a girl who hangs out with girls? What would it be like to have a bad day and be comforted? What would it be like to need to comfort someone who has a bad day? What would it be like to just decide to meet up with "the girls"? Ugh.
am I doomed because I didn't transition sooner
I hate the idea that I'm "later" to this stuff because I was depressed about other stuff when I was a kid. Those kinds of little observations make me really self conscious.
I already feel like a stupid repressed former-Catholic boy with zero social skills anyway so like, telling me I'm even more behind and that it's my journey "to figure out, or like whatever, dude" is a cold fucking comfort. But when nobody replies, it's like, oh, I'm the only person on earth who has ever felt this way. Neat.
I love you all so much. I'm so happy I switched to this server 🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵
i love hextube, i love the megas, i love the comrades, i love all of it. best place on the internet i have ever been and i have been around since the internet started.
keep being yourselves you beautiful people. and thank you for helping me find myself.
My dad got paint on my cardigan literally the exact minute I was trying to show off my new more androgynous glasses.
I'm not wearing my new glasses out. Not until I can honestly say that I have someone else on my side with this. Nobody gets to see them, and I don't give a shit that it's irrational.
I'm going to start getting very obstinant very soon, which is hard to consider considering that I am not getting and struggle to get therapy, and that's going to be stressful.
spoiler
I wish I could make people see like, this is what being a boy has done to me. I hate myself because I grew up. I resent the passage of time. Did you want me to die? Because you didn't tell me you want me to live.
This is not a dramatic thought for me. This is a normal thing to think. If I'm not supposed to feel the swing of life and death in the balance, I need someone to explain to me what exactly I am supposed to be feeling. I do not understand what I am supposed to be doing to better myself when I am scared frozen about the things I know I should be doing. Nobody has had an answer for me. Maybe I'm fucked. Maybe I'm completely fucked and I'm going to die alone.
If I were the well adjusted one, and I could see that someone was going through this, I would not leave them there. And anyone who would isn't someone I wanna deal with. I would check in. I would want to help. And I don't think it's crazy to want to help. If it is crazy then yeah I am crazy. I am the lunatic that wants to help people and thinks that should be ubiquitous. I only withdrew when it became clear that helping others was only to my expense, and that the people I was helping didn't even really notice or appreciate what I was doing. If those people had noticed the way I would notice them, then they'd have seen what was going on, or maybe at least tried. That's what I do when someone mentions that they're having a problem. I'm serious, is that stupid? Am I a jerk for trying to help people? Am I an idiot? Am I dumb for waiting for that same validation in return? Am I dumb?
Yeah it's not great
When does someone notice? When does someone affirm? Am I a sociopath for being confused by the distinct lack of those things in my life and actively wanting them? Is something wrong with me that I want to be noticed for who I am? Is that why nobody responds? Do I give off the pheromones that signal to leave me for the vultures? Idfk.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. If I text first, it will be to someone I haven't spoken to in years, it will 100% be to rant about wanting to die and hating being a boy, which nobody in my life up until 2019 was even remotely aware of as thoughts in my head. So I'm subjecting them to that. I was being a good friend by not overwhelming people with my problems, but I can start overwhelming people I guess
But iIf I say I'm doing fine I am LYING and why the fuck do I have to lie. That feels manipulative and like I'm reeling people in so they have to support me, when like, I want it to be mutual and from a place of understanding. But nobody is holding space for me to explain any of this so how do we even get to that point. How much patience do I have to hold for people who don't even know that I'm suffering? Isn't it a big problem that they don't know that I'm suffering even though I thought we were closer?
I don't know if anybody gets going this long with such strenuous connections. I haven't had a partner since the first Trump term. I haven't had friends since COVID. I look around me and these people were all fucking taught. They're all wizards because there's no way it can be this easy to speak without being hit or cursed or ridiculed.
ranting, being mad, hating life
I'm pissed. I give up. You think I'm a boy I'm fucking done
Why is it so easy for everyone else to get support, I talk about my problems and people stare, whereas other people get suggestions and advice. I've seen it here idk what to do anymore idfk idfk idfk
I'd rather someone tell me to shut the fuck up at this point. Tell me I'm just a scared boy who needs a hike and forget I was born. It's better than the fucking silence I get on every forum and from every therapist
spoiler
And then I text my brother who gives these canned responses like an alien who has not heard about the sorts of things I deal with even though we are siblings and have literally talked about these things. Text on a weeknight and I may as well be a goddamn stranger. Can I just not exist. Can I just disappear
These fucking people give me a million goddamn reasons to drink a year and it's like who the fuck is supposed to listen because so far it's nobody and it's like how is that fine. How is the world okay with this feeling. How.
CW: Holiday bullshit
I regret coming back home for the holidays. My mom is super happy I'm back for the first time since coming out, so she went REALLY hard on Christmas this year and I feel bad about it. Like holy shit she just paid my rent yesterday, which really was the best Christmas gift. Especially considering I was out of work for a week because of my hand. But I also have to wear pants in font of my step-dad, there are so many people there that will just completely ignore me now because I'm trans, it's so awkward now. And they wouldn't shut the fuck up about alcohol all night, it was really hard. And I have 3 more family events this week, on top of just working with a broken hand on every other day. God I don't want to do this
bottom dysphoria
I can't find the emoji I want but its the girl laying down shaking if you remember that oneI don't know what to say other then I hate it. I want it off me. I can't get in a position where I can't feel it touching something. I couldn't sleep last night and just kept feeling dysphoric about it. Who knows when or if I'll be able to do something about it. Surgery sounds so expensive. I wish I could cry but I can't. I want that outlet :/Also apparently I'm not depressed enough for it to kill the horny
hopefully E changes it because I've always hated this.My thought process every time I want to make a new account goes as follows:
Thinking about making a new hexbear account, hmm... Let's got for something unique this time... (Animal)(Gender)(Communist)
whining
sad and cranky today
I know it's just a bunch of accumulated stress but I get to the point where I'm irritable enough at little bullshit that I get irritated at how irritable I am
Idk I need a spa day or something but that's not in the cards
You know what is? Doing a ton of laundry and cleaning. Yippee
weewee the poo
I'm a big giant Fire Emblem nerd who stopped playing after Awakening. Still haven't played the switch ones, the apparel is starting to fade with things going a bit too anime for my tastes. I'm also not too big on being able to do much outside of chapters and prep screens. Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn's bases were alright but I like the older games more and Thracia is my favorite. I like not being able to grind outside of chapters, I like limited access to shops, supports being out of battle is good. I like my FE on the harder side of things, i dont like that the logical build for every character is now to 20/20 them cause theres infinite exp, deciding when to promote based on max utility with limited chapters was cool, why get your cavalier to 20 before promoting when thars gonna take enough chapters that theyll barely get a chance to level as a paladin, unlimited exp kinda removes team building choices like that for me. Does this have the fe8 style world map or is it more straightforward? I'll go for it either way, but if it does have a world map, is it reasonable to not do random encounters etc and still be strong enough to beat the game?
i somehow lost my voice and my throat is all sore and i am tired and so today i am whisper only and just sitting here wondering how the hell it happened
It's only 7 F here today and I hate it, freeze me in a pond like a frog and let me honk zzz the winter away.
You don't have the right, O, you don't have the right
finished reading nona the ninth
loved it
Extra tired so extra dysphoric today. But I Believe
just a lil crimas time vent ::: loneliness and isolation confluence of seasons greasons making sure i'm going to be pretty much alone for the next two weeks, which, like, i do really badly when i'm alone. partners that i rely on for help with that are all tied up with work or family or other partners visiting so. yay for me i guess. :::
me getting ready to go out making sure my socks match to wear underneath my fucking calf boots
THE TMGC MEGA IS HERE!!