"I don’t drink out of a straw, brother..."

I remember the time I was minding my own business, drinking a big cold glass of somethingorother, and the straw, I shit you not, turned right into a dick. It was big and meaty and I thought to myself "well, I have to turn in my truck nuts, now."

How tf are these dipshits in power and I’m begging any corpo to pay attention to my resume and hire me? How tf do these mfs survive the extremely high standards it takes to even flip burgers?
Better question: how do they even go outside without hiding in their basements? These are grown ass men who probably still believe in cooties.

Look at this man, he's the apex of masculinity. He hates women and refuses to drink from straws because they constantly remind him of dick-sucking, he would never do that. He’s just always thinking about it whenever he sees anything remotely phallic. Straws are for women, because only women suck dick. Not him. He doesn’t. He won’t. He doesn’t even want to. Please, dicks, leave him alone.

Then why did you all have a years long temper tantrum about trying to do the absolute bare minimum to reduce single use plastics and ban plastic straws.
- the misogyny extends to mother gaia
- "you can take my miroplastics from my cold, dead hands."

this frail old man trying to put on this macho too alpha for straws act is beyond pathetic. meanwhile this dude spends 80% of his time making wackos on reddit think the government is gonna declassify UFOs any day now

Hell yeah brother. Elephants are so phallic that I had to stop going to the zoo. I told the zookeeper to cover the trunks up so I don't have to look at them and they said "no". Woke will never win as long as alpha males stand up.

Oh my God he doesn't want to drink from a straw because that is for women! He is so sexy and masculine!
What most people are definitely thinking when learning this

He should shave his eyelashes while he's at it.
- Yes. Eyelashes and eyebrows - false adornment, demonic, and the tools women use to lure men to the Devil.

Straight is the only sexuality you have to perform and maintain. Even given that they're joking around, and they're all giggling throughout the clips, it's so annoying to me. "Oh look at me I cried! Now I want to suck penis!" Like they don't spend hundreds of hours and millions of dollars on enforcing gender compliance. Like you need a more rigorous and principled approach to the LGBT than "okay, sounds good."
It's
because Ted Cruz, when told that "Mr. Whoever says men shouldn't have male best friends" says "Mr. Whoever could use a friend."

Remember, bröther, you say the hard things -- the gööd things. Most folk haven't got the stomach for it.

Dude's so afraid of the social prison he's built as a way to show everyone else he isn't thinking about dicks every time he puts something in his mouth...the lady doth protest too much.
- It just occurred to me that "My x t-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt" is the modern day equivalent to that Shakespeare line.

i know plastic straws are bad but i love a straw at a restaurant especially if it's greasy finger food, I don't wanna grease up my glass, yo
- Straws are really good for consuming fluid while walking. Less fluid sloshing around at the opening
- Glass / metal straws are cool when you're at home I know bars who use edibles straws made of hard rice paste, which is indefinitely better than paper straws which have a strong taste and are still pretty polluting