How do I stop hating children?
How do I stop hating children?
Almost all my life I've absolutely despised children. Pretty much from the moment I stopped being a child I've hated being around children.
It doesn't even matter what the child is doing. Whether they're laughing and having fun or screaming and throwing a tantrum. The sound of a child being loud activates an almost primal rage that I can barely contain.
I've had to leave social gatherings/restaurants/grocery stores all because if I'd stayed I'd have made a complete ass of myself by screaming at a child just for existing.
It's even worse with infants which makes me feel horrible because I know they can't help it. I know the kids don't know any better and it's our job as adults to get them through childhood, but my blood boils when they get loud or demand attention.
Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Is there anything I can do to stop from getting so angry?
Therapy. It's clear this is causing you problems in your life. And that's exactly what therapy is for.
The sound of a child being loud activates an almost primal rage that I can barely contain.
Yeah, that's actually a thing for some people to various degrees.
It's called misophonia
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24460-misophonia
I had it for high pitched sounds as well, went on Beta Blockers for migraines and it fixed this as well.
The noises are triggering your adrenal response and your body is screaming at you that the noise has to stop and it doesn't matter what it takes. Beta blockers block adrenaline, so now noises that used to set me on edge are just normal noises to me.
I think one of the current hypothesis is that it might be close to a sound that would attract predators, but sometimes wires get crossed and you have the reaction to a random noise.
Most commonly it's people hating the sound of others chewing.
Whether they're laughing and having fun or screaming and throwing a tantrum. The sound of a child being loud activates an almost primal rage that I can barely contain.
This is actually a neurological thing. It has a name and everything (though I can't recall what the name is). A lot of people on the spectrum have it. You may want to talk to a therapist about it, if this isn't merely hyperbole.
I have no advice, but I have to say I really admire and appreciate you for acknowledging that it's unfair for the children and trying to change that. Most people aren't strong enough to introspect
I would even argue that you've already done the hard part
I've noticed a correlation between the trait you describe and high-functioning autism. I've dated two women with the trait you describe, and one of them was diagnosed HFA, and the other showed signs of HFA but was undiagnosed last I heard.
We have a tendency to expect others to show the same level of maturity as we've learned to exhibit ourselves. Being accepting of those who haven't learned that level of maturity is a skill that must be learned. Learning teaching skills/methods helps with this.
Could be worth looking into Misophonia. Basically it's an irrational anger response to specific noises that vary person to person. I don't know enough about it to say how it can be dealt with, but it may be something you could find a specialist for.
See a shrink you have at minimum anger management problems being triggered here. Anxiety and perhaps some form of neurological disorder if you’re sensitive to loud noises in general but it’s worth finding out to manage it.
I'm wondering if you've got Misophonia
Are you a cat?
I know of one person in my wider circle who reacts also pretty bad when children are being children around him. In his childhood, every time he was loud, wanted attention, or just did what a child does, his parents (they did not even want children; he was an "accident") got really angry at him. So children being children is a trigger for him.
Talking to a trained professional helped him immensely to handle this.
Seek mental help from a therapist for a start. Instead of talking to people online that you have no idea what their intentions are or which way they wanna steer you best bet is get therapy...you need it.
You might have misophonia.
Also...I try to imagine kids as little robot machines. They do their thing and they make their sounds like little choo choo trains. This image also underlines that they often just react to things. Input; output. So the focus shifts from the kid to the situation and the surroundings (as does the blame).
I recognize everything you're saying, and I know it's presumptuous, but I doubt it's actually hatred. It's a very visceral reaction that turns into frustration because it's often situations you can't change or extricate yourself from. And if there's no outlet, anger/rage is one of the easiest emotions. Maybe you should look up Misophonia and see if you recognize it. It won't fix your issue, but it might help to put a name to it, to know you're not crazy and you're definitely not alone. For me it's not just kids, I also need to get away when I hear people eat. Loud eaters just kill my apetite instantly and the response to it is physical. I just can't be around it.
Whenever kids make noise, I get this uncontrollable, physical reaction. It's kind of like nails on blackboard stuff, you know, but a thousand times worse? All it makes me do is wanting to get the fuck out of there. I can actually FEEL it. It's visceral. And I know they're not doing it on purpose, and I would never ever let the kid know, because it's not their fault. But I just can't deal with it. It's so bad that I've gotten off buses/trams when some baby starts crying, just to wait at the stop for the next one. I've actually exited stores, when kids are being loud, which as you know, in some stores is pretty useless because there are almost always kids around. Internet really saved me there, I haven't been shopping in years, just order pretty much everything online. The worst time for me was a flight where I got stuck with a screaming 4-year old for hours, which actually brought me to tears from frustration, because I couldn't leave and I couldn't blame the kid, especially because his mom was a total moron and only made it worse by yelling. Luckily the flight was only a few hours across Europe and not transatlantic, because I might have offed myself.
Sadly I don't have a fix for you, but if you find one, please let me know. ;) I've been luckier than some, in that I only have one sibling, who also doesn't want kids, and while I do have 2 cousins with kids, we never see each other, which is mostly because I moved abroad over a decade ago. Avoiding places where kids congregrate is easier if there are no kids in your social circle, although of course you can never avoid them 100% of the time.
It's very weird to me that you're only listing loud things children do... Like, have you ever been around a sleeping child? Do they bother you? What about in a classroom, watching a movie, or running in the distance (out of earshot)?
Average volume of a child is higher than adults, but only by a factor of 2 or so. And their noises are interpretable, you can definitely figure out what they mean, unlike the adult noises.
OP, don’t feel alone or hopeless. There are more of us out here who know exactly what you’re describing because we experience it ourselves.
It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that it’s your fault for experiencing this - there’s not much you can do to “fix” it, if anything. I’ve been to a therapist and medical professionals, and basically noise cancelling AirPods or ear plugs in public are the only solution. And maybe some medications.
We used to have neighbors with several small children who would - at the same time every day - go play in their backyard. Normal kid thing. But if I was outside, I’d have to go back in. The frequency or pitch or whatever you want to call it of the loud shrieks was literally painful. I would cry.
I see other replies saying it may be a factor of you not being able to express yourself in the same way as a child. I wasn’t either because my mom is terrified of the outside world & it would make her think I was in danger. Whether this played a role or not I have no idea. I don’t want to attribute it to purely psychological reasons when it sounds like there is potentially also an actual physical medical explanation. Maybe it’s a combination, maybe not. Who knows.
It’s a fact of life that IMO you cannot control and will have to have a plan for if and when it occurs. Earplugs, leaving the triggering situation, medication, I hope you find something that works. It is fucking painful. And I can’t control that. And it’s no one’s fault…we just try to avoid situations where young children will be present (which is really fucking hard at times for a woman, btw…baby showers! Parties where the women are expected to be the caretakers because….uterus, I suppose?).
Anyway, best of luck to you, it’s not your fault, and feel free to reach out any time.
I have exactly the same. Therapy doesn't work. There is no cure other than faking it. You have to let your rational mind win from that primal repulsive feeling. I also feel immense guilt for feeling this way about innocent little humans.
I still avoid children when I can. This has created a gap between my friends and me, they all have kids. I never go to their place, we always meet in public. I never told them but I think they know, because they don't treat me differently when I tactically withdraw when children get involved.
Interestingly this is measurable. I have a garmin watch and whenever children are close for 15 mins, I get a relaxation reminder telling me to do breathing exercises. So this mental defect manifests itself physically.
I just want to commend you on asking for help, and based on your post and replies, it sounds like you can at least offload the belief that you hate children, because it doesn’t seem that way, only that you’re very triggered by the noise, which I can totally relate to. It happens for me with kids and barking dogs, and I have to manage the sound with music and earbuds. Sound sensitivity and being stressed by it is very real for a number of conditions or conditioned mentalities, so I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself about it when it’s clear you’re empathetic and don’t want to feel that way, but seeking therapy with someone familiar with such reactions is probably a good idea. Though ultimately personal noise management may still be a big part of the solution.
That's the neat part, you don't
I don't know how much patience you have for long term efforts. I have done this for other issues. Meditate on it. Spend initially 5 minutes a day and then lengthen and increase frequency to something like 10-20 minutes 2-3x a day. Figure out what works for you.
Recreate the situations and scenarios where you get triggered. And be in the situation. Stew in it. Notice more and more how you react. What is happening before your reaction? What is happening in the space between each reaction. You most likely will not find out the solution while in meditation. But the meditation will ingrain the ability to slow your processes down. So when you're back in the situation you will start noticing the issues that are making you lose it.
Once armed with that knowledge you'll either find new coping mechanisms or you'll have better information for a mental health professional to help you see those new coping mechanisms.
Rinse and repeat.
the moment I stopped being a child
There was probably a moment when you decided to dislike the "child part" of yourself.
Normal people start being a grown-up, but do not totally turn away from that "child part". It is still there. It is always there. It is a normal part of a normal life.
Try to make amends with that part of yourself, and allow it to resurrect in you.
Are you diagnosed neurodiverse? This is a common trait.
What you are feeling is similar to how I used to feel. What changed was my understanding of children. A child behaves the way it does because it is literally experiencing things for the first time. That's why they over react. They aren't bad all the time. They can be more fun to be around then adults. They don't care what you look like. They're easy to impress and pal around with. And when they do act out it's not nearly as serious as adults.
My brother's wife bought me a set of earplugs that deaden sound but still let you hear. These have greatly increased the amount of time I can be around children before it starts stressing me out. To the point that I don't mind going over there at all anymore and they have 3 kids in a small house. The brand is Loop but their may be other brands that are the same thing. Its like an earbud with a metal ring attached to it. They also help with other noise induced stress that I have.
My sister has it too, her misophonia makes her dramatically more sensitive to any higher pitched sounds. And her borderline personality disorder combines to translate that annoyance directly into anger. She can still hang out with kids if they are being calm and quiet. But it's risky. The kids know that when she gets mad it wasn't their fault. They seem to handle it well, but we'll only really know in time. They currently still enjoy hanging out with her, so that's a positive sign.
If you have the same thing, as far as I know there is no way to stop it. But cbt(cognitive behavioral therapy) and things like that can help you be more present and mindful while experiencing those effects. Generally enough to prevent unwanted explosions and extricate yourself to a more comfortable environment to calm down over time.
Goosfraba. seriously though I don't think there can be anything you do but remove yourself from the area unless they are your children. Its sorta funny but I was a way quite kid but I generally get kids. Its like dogs wanting to play. They just want to play. cyring and its like a dog wimpering. somethings wrong. Granted I have no kids and I don't go out of my way to wrangle other folks but it never really bothers me.
I'm curious, how do you feel about being around drunk people while you are sober? Is the problem the children themselves, or is being around someone who is loud, obnoxious, and self centered (which I think describes both children and drunk people).
I'm general, my main advice would be to look into yourself to see what specifically is bothering you and why. That's basically what I assume a therapist would do. Maybe it's something like your own need for attention causes feelings of resentment when someone else is demanding attention. Maybe it's just the loud noises kids make. If it's the kids themselves and not their noise and self-centered attitude, maybe the root is something related to kids resurfacing your own childhood memories/trauma. Once you identify the root of the problem, maybe you can start working toward letting whatever it is go, or at least recognizing in the moment that your not angry at the kid, your angry at whatever issue in yourself you've identified. Understanding what is going on in your own head might at least keep you from screaming at the kid.
I don't know anything though, just a stranger spouting off, so please take this with a giant grain of salt. A professional therapist would obviously be better, but I understand from your other responses that might not be practical for you.
No judgement, just curious: I know it's more rare, but do you get the same visceral reaction to grown people throwing immature temper tantrums as well? Or is it limited to just the very young?
I just want to understand if this is more of a distaste for immaturity or if it's only the immaturity of the immature that's giving you that feeling.
I'm no fan of kids, but I don't get this kind of rage myself. I can dismiss myself from the situation long before I struggle with these kinds of feelings.
I don't hate children but children under age 6-8 creep me out. I get a flight response when I am put into a situation where I have to be around a toddler or baby. I have always thought it was an uncanny valley thing though. As soon as they can make complete coherent sentences though, it's awesome. It's incredible to watch them learn, absorb, and have them experience new things.
I struggle with a lot of sounds, having a sensory processing disorder, the list of which is far too long to write out here. So I totally understand the frustration and how rage inducing it is, you are definitely not alone. Especially when people don't understand it's not a patience issue, it's a 'my brain isn't wired the same way as yours and it genuinely cannot be fixed' issue.
Other people have mentioned therapy, which is definitely a good idea. They can help you find ways to channel the energy into something else, or help you find the root cause (if it's a children-specific thing, and not just a general sensory issue), or teach you good cognitive behavioral therapy practices.
In the interim, since finding a good therapist for you can take a lot of time, I would definitely recommend some form of earplugs. Mine have saved me and my sanity so so so many times. If I can recommend a particular pair, I would suggest the Loop Switch, since they let you adjust the sound reduction levels on the fly - but any brand / even the foam tip ones (as long as they fit you properly!) can help immeasurably. For me, just knowing I have earplugs with me helps dealing with these sounds, even if I don't wind up using them, just knowing the option is there. Some form of stress ball or those grip / forearm strengtheners might also be of use for you? It can be a good distraction, as well as allowing yourself to let off some of the steam in a relatively healthy and inconspicuous manner.
And kudos for knowing this is a problem for you, and looking for help on how to improve it. I hope you're able to make progress you want, one way or another. Good luck, OP - we're rooting for you
IMO They're just small humans and like their larger counterparts some are worth my time and some aren’t. You sound ageist. My partner hates kids, much like you, but has slowly become fond of a select few we know. I’ve never really minded kids - but I’ve always been able to hand them back as I don’t have any of my own.
How loud is loud? Is it only loud children or children of any volume? How do you feel about loud adults?
I would echo the recommendation for counseling. However, is this a larger issue or unique to children? Do you find yourself getting disproportionately angry at other sources of annoyances? Answering that question might help you know whether there is a larger need to address.
embrace it
Welcome to Lemmy. Welcome to autism.
Permanently Deleted
I was a little like that until I had a kid myself. Much less than you perhaps, but I didn't have fun with kids, I never knew what to do, what to tell them, and I would be very unforgiving with kids who are cheating or lying for fun.
I always thought that when you have one, yours is different.
When i meet my soulmate, I knew she would be an awesome mother and it helped me retain some faith. We ended up having a boy who is now 4 and a half.
I must admit, I didn't know I had this much patience in me. Still not knowing what the hell I'm doing but I lowered the bar as much as I could : he's happy, and he's fed.
Now it's not always easy, and he tests my limits daily by pushing all the proper buttons. Sometimes I ask my girlfriend for an.... Emergency relief.
But now I kinda understand how to enter children's world. Doesn't work with all of them, and sometimes I must adapt. I still have a hard time tolerating crying over nothing serious, but I found ways to go around that and give hugs.
I try to remind myself of old memories when I did some very similar things with I was a kid, sometimes I'm not very proud...
All in all, I'm not telling to have kids, but just to say it can change. I just happened to have taken the "hard way", and I didn't regret any of it.
You seems to react to high pitched voice/sound of children. Hate the noise not the origin
That's the fun part, you don't!
lucky you, hated those fuckers even when I was one.
Once they have all been eliminated, then and only then, will your feelings go away.
Guess I needed this "/s"
bruh.