I am so tired of my friend. She is in a codependent friendship with me that i am trying to get out of while she dives deeper into the hatred that comes with the slow withdrawl of ones therapist (me). Istg if i spoke to her the way she speaks to me she would freak tf out.

Shes homeless and we are housing her, and i want to stay dedicated to that, but it has been months of her making my life more and more painful, because she is upset that i spend intimiate time with my roomie and not with her. I didnt even reduce the amount of quality time with her, i just started spending intimate time with my roomie.

Me and my difficult friend spend most days together, i am her (perhaps only) source of codependent emotional validation, and she is pissed at me (like, staring daggers at me for daring to leave my room, being snippy petty and shitty, trying to control me, etc.) for not wanting to do that anymore and trying to establish a boundary around my time and emotional energy. I poured so much energy into her because i genuinely like her friendship when she is in a good space, and i wanted to help her get back on her feet again.

I struggle so much with codependency and she knows this, and ive been upfront with her about the ways ive contributed to the codependent friendship between us. I am trying to tell her again and again that she needs friends beyond just me and my roomie, but she doesnt try to make friends. So then i have to choose between emotionally abandoning this person or upholding my own boundaries and preserving my emotional sanity and safety.

I need an emotionally safe space for myself and she is taking that away by doing things like banging on my door to ask if it is ok to throw away a piece of trash that isnt even mine. It was clearly a ploy to try and let me know how pissed she is with me; its only recently ive stopped modifying my behavior and agreeing to unhealthy things (like texting her whenever me and roomie go to one of our rooms together) to make her less pissed off, make her not be angry with me. I think she recognized this and thats why she only talks to me about her issues and not my roomie, cause my roomie established boundaries early on. Im so exhausted of having her hate me for not spending all waking moments with her.

Were all supposed to move together, try to find a house, but im legitimately terrified to sign a lease with her. I refuse to bring this dynamic with me into a new home. Plus where we are now has fantastic sound isolation and wherever we move will be far worse: her main complaint is hearing us fuck, which we have taken steps to reduce and eliminate where possible. However we havent fucked in like a month, and she has complained about us every time we go to one of our rooms. She complained today that she could hear us talking last night and it kept her up which 1 no it fucking did not, we were not talking loud, she heard murmurs and hyperfixated on them i know because i have heard her shouting in her room and it is not fucking loud at all and 2 if thats happening come knock on the fucking door instead of sulking all night. Talk to us and ask us to be quieter when its quiet hours in the apt block. If its outside quiet hours put on some ocean waves or other ambient music. And also like I cant read your fucking mind and shouldnt have to deal with your hatred and vitriol for failing to! Its like she expects me to solve her problems for her without telling me about them, and the only solution acceptable to her is such an extreme contortion for me that its completely unacceptable! I have no fucking sexual autonomy in my own fucking home anymore!

I need out of this dynamic, i need her to have housing, i want her to be happy, and i want her and i to be ok in our friendship. But right now, i think i have to choose between the needs and the wants, because i cant get out of this dynamic and ensure shes housed while also making sure shes happy and were ok. I think I have to stop caring about her feelings and that scares me so much and really activates my own self hatred.

My brothers went to the liquor store without me, my cousins are all friends and have excluded me and my siblings, I want to be launched into the sun, and I don't think anyone would care if I disappeared. My presence has no impact.

Shit weekend. I wasted it. Nobody sees me. God fucking dammit. I want to disappear

I feel more and more like I can only do self-care by shutting everyone out and deciding that I don't care anymore. And that's a hard thing to face, because I feel really let down. I was supposed to communicate perfectly in order to get help, and I couldn't, so no wonder I'm where I'm at. It stinks.

I don't like having violent thoughts. I don't know where to put this shit. I could scream at everyone. I could break something. If this is all a lie let me just blow it the fuck up and start over without any pretense of having somebody

Like I have been dead fucking alone with my thoughts for half a decade. I could rip my hair out but it's probably gonna fall out on its own. Then I'll look even more like a guy. What a strapping young man.

Obviously I'm stupid for expecting someone to notice an abrupt and obvious change in my behaviors. Obviously I expect too much from people. Which tells me that I, once again, have let everyone down. Like, this shit never ends! I don't understand the distinction between having zero expectations from others and just not caring. I'm getting really close to not caring what happens. It sucks.

I just wanna disappear and transition and never have to deal with these people again. It's not even that they aren't accepting,they just don't see me regardless and I feel invisible. I just want a new life with people who I don't have to wonder if they care or not. Like I am so sick of all of it and nobody caring. Am I a psychopath for being sad and hoping that someone notices. Am I really just supposed to say "hey can we talk . uh uh I'm SAD!" like a toddler. What the fuck am I supposed to do

Right before going out, I sent some pics to a male friend (platonic) that I am out to see if he thought whether my mask made me "look more femme" (i.e., help getting closer to passing). He said there was no difference. I don't think he was being mean, but that really hurt for some reason.

I've mostly just come out to my old gaming buddies, who are unfortunately cismen. I need to come out to my women friends in town to get better opinions and advice, and I desperately need to make friends with local trans people.

Im infatuated with multiple people and it kinda sucks, why must the heart yearn for pretty women to just hold me close?

I can't be around here right now. Everything is setting of severe dysphoria and depression. I've had to completely disconnect from any talk about gender, sex, or relationships as it torpedoes my mental state immediately. I've even been avoiding my friends and "family." Family being my mother and sister, who are now on the verge of being tossed out of my fucking life. It's like everyone lacks empathy. No one understands the sheer immensity of the pain and suffering I'm going through right now. "Just cheer up. Smile and you'll be fine. That's no reason to be so upset." Thanks mom. Go fuck yourself. You've not exactly been the most helpful during my transition these last few years. The shadow of my ex continues to hang over me and I've destroyed some things in my house that remind me of him. I've been extremely not well if that's not clear. I even skipped out on making the topic this week cause I just can't. I'm glad I value my life so highly otherwise I might not be here right now. It's crossed my mind on more than one occasion recently, too. Even my therapist isn't fucking helping me. Ugh.

I just wish I was born a woman. I feel like a horrible facsimile. Like someone was given a doll and parts and told to do their best. This vagina. These breasts. They all feel horrendously fake. I feel like someone took a hobby knife to a Ken doll and just did what they could. I can't stand it. I just want to feel me. I wish I could've grown up properly. I wish I could have a uterus. I wish I could have children to raise and watch grow up and give a good life to. I wish I could've had all those experiences in life that cis-women just take for granted. I can't take this. I just can't.

Had a weird interaction irl where I got flustered about a stranger misgendering me and just blurted out me outing myself

The key fob thing at my gym went out at some point between when I got there today and when these other people showed up, so I kept having to open the door for them and explain it to them

This one (very attractive tbh, like idk really how I feel about cis women at this point TBH but like, damn girl, good for you, she probably has never skipped a squat set) has me open the door for her, I explain everything, right after she shows up and says she's gonna send the owner a thing about the key thing, this older (busted tbh but she was weird to me so I don't feel bad about saying that) lady shows up

I let her in while she's locked out

First thing she says is some shit about some Sinclair ass local news shit she saw like "I saw a thing about how this lady opened the door at her gym for a stranger and then he assaulted her!!'

...and I'm just like, "well for the record I'm queer, so don't worry"

Haven't outed myself to a stranger in a long time but fuck, what a weird interaction

I had the literal actual best fucking therapy appointment of my life yesterday, holy shit.

I have been struggling with like really bad anxiety lately, to the point where I've had trouble eating and sleeping. During a therapy appointment yesterday, I realized that a part of me was reliving a particularly horrible fight I had with my first domestic partner, in which I became quite physically ill after.

Since she's a parts therapist, she suggested that this part of me that makes me feel sick from anxiety might be what's known as an "Exile." The way I'd describe it is "I'm not okay and I don't know what's going to make it okay."

I can't get nexted spoilers working, so skip this paragraph if you don't want graphic imagery. I imagine it as a anthropomorphic heart with an arrow stuck in it, bleeding for 15 years, lol. (oh and most of the heart tissue is infected, too...)

She suggested that when I talk to people, I try to show up as my core self, instead of letting this part run things, and to treat it like I would a hurting friend.

So I sure did lose a couple of hours of sleep last night due to it flaring up, but I tried this method and despite being a bit sleep-deprived today, I feel absolutely great, the anxiety didn't take over, and today I feel like its possible for me to heal from this traumatic memory.

Thanks for listening, chat, I just needed to share :)

My dysphoria has been building up this week. I still have cold symptoms, and can't wear proper make-up due to wiping my nose/mask that smears it. Almost cried a few times this week, either looking at my outfit or at my body or my face. Wearing eye makeup helps, but I still feel too nervous to wear mascara to work. Once my nails grow a bit more I think I need to start painting them. They were at a decent length last weekend, but I chickened out and cut them instead.

going to the theatre to see smegmalion by george bernard shart

if this doesn't make me eepy and/or horny i want a refund

Goddamn I still love BTB&M

Listening to the Alaska remaster rn and damn, this album really influenced a lot of my death/prog metal(core) influences

So about five years ago I was an extremely depressed teenager. I remember crying for hours on hours one night, and then after that, I kind of turned off my intense emotions as a defense mechanism. I could still laugh or be annoyed, but I couldn't cry or see beauty or be angry at the world.

This winter was the most difficult of my life. I've messed up, I've lost friendships, I've failed in college, I've been addicted to weed, I've not been the person I want to be. But I was also able to cry for the first time in five years. Not just sniffles and a tear, proper bawling my head off ugly crying. And since then, I have been able to cry at bad things and good things. I got rejected by someone I liked and I cried - last time that happened, and the time before, I felt nothing. I watched the final episode of Mob Psycho and I cried a lot. I didn't cry when it first came out, and I already knew what was going to happen. I'd seen it before, but I cried this time. I also sat on a bench with my friends and looked at the Irish coast and saw the light and the colours and movement and it was beautiful.

Growing is hard and painful. Its one thing to know this intellectually, and another entirely to experience it. You also don't get to choose when you grow. It just happens out of necessity. I'm about to turn 22 and I've only just realized how much time I could have ahead of me, and I need to decide how I'm going to live.

I like analyzing media and looking at characters. I criticize bad character arcs and appreciate strong characterisation. But I've just begun trying in earnest to write a novel, and I've realized how little I actually understand about the human experience. How can I write about things I've never gone through? I don't know, but I'll try.

I'm becoming an adult, for real, actually this time. When I started college I was only an adult in technicality. Now I'm soon leaving college and I've been forced to change. It makes me want to change myself on purpose, and control who I am. When I started college I felt sad, because I felt like I was closing the chapter of my life that was childhood, which I never wanted to end. Now I'm leaving college and I feel like the training wheels have come off, and I can be so much faster and freer. Living is a strange thing, and I'd like to find out more about it.

Is it weird to moisturize your balls?

I expressed frustration that some people I used to associate myself with cared more about the shape of my hardware than me as a person and was told that a big problem in left wing circles is ascribing malicious intent to people with good intentions.

I'm sorry but what good intentions can I ascribe to transphobes? I have explicitly told every person who had a bad reaction to me coming out to them that if they asked me why I'd chosen to transition I'd tell them, and not one of them have asked. They objectively do not care to understand me. What good intentions can I possibly ascribe to a person who intentionally invalidates me knowing it hurts me?

"God doesn't make mistakes"

I'm not religious anymore but I've never understood this one. It argues the exact opposite conclusion than it's traditionally used to argue.

It's a fact that trans people exist. If God exists and doesn't make mistakes, he made trans people, and therefore transness can't be a mistake. If God doesn't make mistakes, trans people are beautiful. I don't understand how this could possibly be argued any other way

Had an awful day and a really ugly family blowup

Thought I might actually lose it

Made it through the day with no incidents

Even did my gym sets and got girl scout cookies ordered from (former) crush (they're apparently a troupe leader and have been since they were a kid? Anyways yay cookies, they're nice and I think I'm mostly over my emo shit about that but w/e)

Anyways despite having been really tempted to commit (several) felonies and barely preventing myself from that, I decided after that to find a therapist again and work on CPTSD shit

I may not be able to fully get my shit together yet, but I'm now open to consulting with a shit-cartographer to at least map out where my shit isn't together

"forcing their way of life onto us".

If someone says "I am a X" and a dweller responds with "no, you are not a X, and here's why I am so certain about that as a third party", that is an act of forcing their worldview/lifestyle onto other people.

I hate my brain sometimes. I tried to express to someone who called me pretty that they were also attractive and was hit with overwhelming waves of feeling predatory for even finding someone attractive. I hate my brain. Idk if i even want to fuck this person, i think i just want to be their friend, but i still feel predatory for even finding them attractive in the first place, let alone that i expressed that to them.

I hate my internalized transphobia.

... softcore Bdsm photos. So it's generating responses to some pics I submitted like

"this look says 'kidnapped tourist' chic meets ultimate basement lounging disaster, the gag is the only accessory, and it's a choice"

Obviously AI bad. But it can be funny when these cracks gets exploited.

More fuckery with my passport application. After sending it in for a correction after they failed to put the correct gender marker on it, they now sent me a letter (which took a week to arrive) that I need to send in my birth certificate. As far as I can tell from the state department website, there is no requirement to send in proof of citizenship with a DS-5504, so I am annoyed and nervous. I am including another letter with the relevant web pages about the data correction and gender marker change policies, but I am beginning to despair. I am now worried that the policy could change before the processing of the passport is complete.

Health insurance at work is also starting to be a nightmare. The HR system allows you not to disclose gender/sex, but that's fake because you have to pick a binary sex for the health insurance. The HR representative also used transphobic language in the email letting me know about this, so that's pretty bad as well. I put it down as female, and then updated my gender identity info as well to make it clear. Not adding pronouns yet since that pops up without digging into the profile, so at least I can avoid that involuntary outing, but it really sucks overall.

I am now worried that the insurance company is going to ask for proof of sex at some point, and until I get my passport I don't have any IDs that have the correct gender marker (updating state ID is out of the question).

"self care" actually sucks ass and I remember why I neglect myself. Holy shit I never want to shave again. Fucking awful. Now that my clothes are back on I think I'm stabilizing but I went from "okay" to very much not okay.

Didn't even get half done god I have to force myself to do that again don't I. And soon all that work will be gone.

My friend has been so fucking weird with me and needing constant unending intense emotional support around her life and specifically around her jealousy of myself and one of our friends fucking. I keep trying to tell her that i cant be a suppirt person in this for her, but nothing changes, and i keep having the same conversation over and over and its fucking exhausting and i just want it to end. The convo isnt productive, and its sole purpose is for her to get reassurance that we wont fuck when im clear and adamant that that us stopping wont happen, because us fucking is none of her business. We all live together and she wants me to text her any time we are gonna fuck but also doesnt ever want to know about it and i keep telling her that its not appropriate or healthy for us to have that depth and style of communication and she agrees with me and then a couple days later asks for it again and we have the exact same convo all over again

Anyway i keep asking for space and she doesnt give it to me and she gets upset and feels like im "leaving her" when i go to my room for distance and space. Im so done with this.