Back again with these threads! For all the new folks, this is a safe space to tell us about anything cool you have going on, anything you want to vent about, and everything in between.
Remember, you are loved
Things have been up and down for me. In a glum mood today. Been hanging out with someone new, and that's been nice, I'm just not sure if I really want to keep it up. Home life is....fine, I guess. Still living with my ex, they're gonna give things until the end of the year to see if their career picks up any, and if not, they'll move home. That said, they've been talking about that for years, so I'll believe it when I see it. They broke down and finally yelled at me for the first time a few nights ago, so I silently carved a pumpkin and then just stayed over with the person I've been seeing. As nice as the couch I live on is, it was nice to sleep in a bed for a night or two this past week.
Job front is slow moving, but I had a promising interview last Wednesday. Was supposed to hear back Thurday afternoon or Friday, but even with a followup email I sent, no reply. Fingers crossed I guess.
I deleted a few of my dating apps, still have a small amount installed. A Maoist actually hollered at me this morning and wants to take me to an arcade. Not sure I have the energy though. Other people are asking me for dates, but I'm just...not replying. I should go do that now so I don't leave them hanging.
On a brighter note, 9 day tour coming up in 2 weeks, so that's cool! Without giving away too much (y'all know my band anyways and have seen my face), I'll be going around the midwest. We've been doing well on selling merch the past few months, so that money should be sufficient to cover the tour. Also, we'll have a roadie for the first time!
I'll end it here I guess. Hope all my comrades are well, and I love you!
don't have any friends. haven't had IRL people to hang out with for about 17 years when I was still in high-school.
tired of being completely passed up on dating sites because I am boring and can't make an "intersting" dating site profile because no life/hobbies. idc if it's real relationship to a fling or FWB or whatever, I'd take anything, but I've never had anything at all and I'm 33 fuckin years old
there is nowhere to even go if I had the money or ability to get there. I don't have a car and it takes me 30 minutes to walk to the nearest anything -- and those anythings are just a handful of grocery stores and fastfood places, and I hate to say it, but I'm not going to make friends by trying to strike up conversations in the line to pay for groceries all day.
wasting the prime years of my life trapped in this shitty suburb-without-a-city, trapped in small basement suite where I have to live with an abusive grandparent, and unable to even get a girlfriend or do anything with my fucking life besides wonder when I will be forced to get a job at fucking McDonald's again
don't see much reason to not kill myself, even though I don't feel bad enough to actually do that (yet). but I don't see any other future happening for me. the only thing I have to potentially look forward to is the small chance that I will be able to get on disability for mental-illness like next year maybe (if at all).
On the bright side I've been trying to be more...I dunno, present in my town? E.g. i went to a cafe and made brief small talk with the barista. Did the same with the person at the bookstore. I'm trying to hide myself less. Tired of spending all my non-work time in my room or walking by myself. I want to have spots I go to regularly. We'll see if it pays off
(cw) Not well. Probably going to fail the class I was taking. Sucks. I barely even tried. I hate being an adult. I do well, except when I have to actually function and be "productive". Fuck me. Oh, and the sh urges are back. Fuck I'm pathetic. I feel like I'm drowning.
For something positive, one of my snakes has started eating again so I'll be able to keep it. The long hunger strike really scared me, I thought I was going to have to get rid of her too.
This is my first time posting in one of these threads but I always read them and the love, solidarity, and support never fails to be refreshing.
cw: drug use
The few last months have been pretty bleak for me. Lost my job, apartment, car, and most hope lol. Have kinda been on a drug binge for the last few days. The fun is running out and coming off of this shit over the next few days will probably be hell. And I have a drug test in a week for a new job. I think I can still pass, though, cuz everything I've been doing are research chems. Well, hopefully cuz I really need money lol.
I really don't see a future where things will be okay for me. It's okay though, I'm just along for the ride at this point. Maybe some capitalist will give me money for my projects at some point lol. Right now, still working, slowly, on my programming language. I am trying to create a kind of "dialectical logical" programming language where development of the state of the program is driven by relations and contradictions between objects in the program. I'll make a post about it sometime when it's in a presentable state.
I hope you have a great tour! Getting really sleepy, gonna log off soon
Yay for tour! Boo for living with ex's! Yay for interviews! Boo for lack of energy to hang with people! I hope the tour is soooo good
I would totally do the dating app thing but just for friends then flake on literally every person I talked to...it sucked and I felt horrible every time but it's so hard to person for me nowadays.
I still have covid and am even more contagious now than I was four days ago even though I'm much less sick feeling. I'm very pissed about this because I'm missing this band tonight and it's like the first time I've wanted to go to a show in a while. That said I'm looking for movie recommendations while I'm caged up.
My housemate went on a camping trip and it's so nice to not have to be stuck in my room laying in bed (literally) for 5 days straight. I can't wait til he moves out, I cannot stand living with the majority of people now and he is no exception.
That said all this inside time from being extremely depressed and now sick is making me very excited to finally go outside and ride my bike and get back into going to shows...we will see if that happens lol
i got fired on some bullshit and i got a headache probably from caffeine withdrawal and i don't really know what i'm doin with my stupid life. grouchy.
I got rejected in a really awful way at the start of the week. It left me feeling this unhinged excess energy all week (early on I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin). I managed to put all that weird energy towards productive things. But some of those productive things included ramping up my workout routine, so now I have even more energy??
I keep looking back at what I've done this week and thinking "That was only two days ago?" / "I did that?" / "Wow I handled that incredibly well."
So... feel mildly bad, way too much energy, making good decisions and being responsible. IDK. It's a weird vibe.
Working for one month now at the wastewater reclamation plant after 10 years in email jobs. Needed a change. Dirty nasty hard work but learning skills. Yeah, I went to college lol. Also not a profit driven model and it's public good. Gotta work for the family so pushing thru. They should pay these folks more for real. Talk about essential, if this place shut down an entire County would be knee-deep in poop. Thanks for checking in
The usual: stress, depression, anxiety, getting better at working with/understanding my AuDHD. Lots and lots of crying and sleepless nights lately. Those are probably more intertwined than I realized before now. Always seems to be. I dipped out of work after two hours today because I just didn't have it in me to face customers all day. Agonized over and procrastinated on some simple 3D Design class assignments before knocking them out in a few hours no problem. The anxiety over getting started on things and perfectionism hold me back, but being held accountable to a curriculum has done a lot to help me get past them. At a certain point I just have to make a dracula bed and a chair out of triangles and desk that I straight copied from one I used to use and call it a night.
Trying to cut myself more slack, remind myself that people read my composure as confidence, that my coworkers find me interesting because of some of the weird things I've done for school or work, that people are impressed by the fact that I'm writing anything at all and speak a tiny bit of Spanish, etc. People do seem to like me more often than not these days. Hell, even my acting class seems to like me, and I'm basically playing Metaverse Jeffrey Epstein being interrogated by the internet police for my scene with my assigned partner. (Play is The Nether by Jennifer Haley, pretty uncomfortable but the teacher encouraged me to do it because she thought it'd be interesting and I have a good villainous voice/presence being a big guy with a booming voice. I'm being interrogated and insisting I have rights, and no you can't have my server, and it's all adults doing RP and I'm doing everyone a favor with my creepy VR Chat server for libertarians because what if I was out on the street like a Discord admin)
Also reinstalled the dating apps but am treating them like slot machines at this point. Maybe a non-flakey person will pop out. But probably not.
I've been feeling great lately, but I can't quite figure out why. Not all that much in my life has changed between now and a few months ago, or even last year. As much as it would be cool to attribute this change to Hexbear, it feels like its become more noticeable in the past month (I joined 11 days ago).
Moving preparation isn't easy, even under favorable conditions. There's a reason so many psychological stress charts put moving up there with terminal illness and death in the immediate family for the amount of stress it causes.
I'm going through the kind of difficult time where I don't even want to - honestly, can't physically bear to - discuss it with anyone because it just makes it all feel more real and overwhelming, and maybe I can once again just grit my teeth and crawl through it without telling anybody how much it hurts.
But, despite all that, seeing the kindness and compassion in these comments was soothing, so - thank you for this. I really appreciate this thread and reading all the sweetness between you all. You are all wonderful. ❤️
I've been coming to terms with the fact that my mental health won't improve until capitalism is gone. I am also trying really hard to not fall into doomerism again but it's really hard.
There are elections in my country this month and I'm really scared because the right will probably gain a lot.
All in all it's not looking too good but I'll stick around just in case. And to yell at cops at protests.
I wish you all the luck with your interviews and hope that you will get away from your ex.
Been a bit rough, found out my partner has had grade 3 hypertension for a while now (hovering between 180 and 170), they've gotten meds and are down to grade 2 at least. Not cholesterol or diabetes though.
Should get back to therapy. And I need to get the wrist that has been hurting for a month checked out, probably won't heal by itself.
Got the "I'm not going to be in contact for while/let's cool it off" message, which always sucks. Thought we were doing well, but shit happens I guess. Relationships are complicated, especially when you don't see each other often.
Still looking for a job, kinda wondering aimlessly right now. Need to try get my driver's licence renewed (old one expired), might even have to take the test again as could've been a learners one. I can't remember. That's if I can even drive a car with all my spinal issues lol.
My anxiety is really ramping up and ruining my life. I need to see a professional butI’m so fucking anxious about it that I’ve been putting it off for years.
I spent all day daydreaming and reading in the park. Bought pre-rolls. Now I'm eating delicious toast with 16 kinds of different grains and seeds and it's covered with hemp seed oil and salt and full of soma from the waning moon.
Kind of a mixed bag here: dating apps are going great, been on a lot of cool dates. But like trying to do basically anything else and I just disassociate or panic. Nothing feels real anymore.
"My" brother's tumor is growing and while it's a lot slower than anyone expected, they never say he won't die. I know they don't want to give false hope but sometimes i wish they'd just say it instead of saying "I'm just a human" and "I believe in miracles" like its good they aren't giving up on him but telling me god himself needs to cure him doesn't make me feel better
"My" step brother and his wife have been treating "my" brothers cancer as a chance to prove their conspiracy theories correct and have further convinced my adoptive parents that if he just eats all organic, vegan food he'll be fine. Nevermind that that's all he's been eating for 8 months... and despite all my allergies that none of them have, im gonna end up being the one who does all the cooking and possibly all the grocery shopping and paying. The dickheads who bought the "anti cancer cookbook" can't be bothered to make the food for him themselves
Got into an argument with my partner last night over some stuff that I've had resentment over for a few years now but previous conversations went nowhere. I think they understand why I feel the way I feel now but I'm still hurt at what they did and that it took so long for them to see if from my perspective.
On the bright side, finished Stone Butch Blues and loved it. Still having motivation to knit, read, and do my stretches everyday although i can feel it waning. I'm reading Orientalism now and when I need a break from non fiction I'm gonna be reading all spooky/horror/thrillers for fiction this month.
I'm like completely broke for an indefinite amount of time. Like I have three euros, a bag of rice and some vegetables to my name. My parents were supporting me but my dad doesn't want to send me money anymore. I think I have enough cash to keep me afloat for a bit but after that I don't know what I'm going to do. So yeah I'm not feeling good about that
Also finding it really hard to make friends in college. I'm in my third year and have barely anyone I talk to regularly. Sometimes I meet cool people at events and societies and then never see them again. Feeling pretty lonely and if not for my roommates I don't think I would talk to anyone
I'm barely holding on. I've been dealing with legal issues that have dragged on for over a year, and it might end pretty fucking badly for me.
I'm losing my mind, stressing the fuck out. I've had to explain to my boss that I'm struggling pretty fucking bad after a mental breakdown and now the vibes are weird at work.
Usually the only thing that helps me, is smoking weed, but if I get tested, it's all over for me, so I try not to smoke. I'm super mega fucked and i don't know what to do if I get locked up and lose my apartment, my personal items and memories.
I will probably have to euthanize my pet as the only one I know who can take care of it lives on the other side of the country.
All because of a fucking mistake I did three years ago. I legit didn't know what I did was illegal. Fuck my life holy shit.
My only hope is that the judge will throw out my case because of how long this shit has been dragging out. Otherwise, my lawyer says I might get up to three months.
I might be okay if I get a single month off. I've saved up some vacation days and might get through it without losing my job and home.
But three? No way I'm getting my job back and I'll have no idea what will happen with my bills, my debts and my dear pet.
This shit has tortured me for over a year. I'm so fucking tired.
Other than that, I just finished reading Moby Dick. Shit's pretty cash.
I'm doing a lot better than the last time I participated in a check in thread.
I've learned how to be myself as a single adult woman. I've been exploring my sexuality, and have been forwarding my sexual liberation by streaming on CB (which has had the side effect of tripling my income and taking my employer's boot off my neck).
Drinking less, smoking less, learning to have fun alone.
My cat is in need of surgery, which sucks and I can't afford it, which super sucks, but I'll make it work, not like I have a choice.
Overall, I'm good, still having a bit of a rough time, still stressed, but good.
Noticed a painful skin-color bump on my chin under my stubble yesterday and trying not to keep telling myself it's a tumor. It's pimple-sized and feels like a pimple, but it's not red at all. I'm sure it actually is a pimple, or maybe a cyst or something, and mostly I just need people to tell me it's going to be okay.
The portuguese marxist leninist discord server I'm on just got its first maoist, if he starts bringing his friends I'm starting the countdown until the server implodes or becomes politically useless to the left
I now live above a highway and tonight's treat is watching some guy who wrecked his fastmobile inspect what the tow truck is doing lest they add yet another scratch to his totaled fastmobile.
Doing mostly good, happy relationship and my studies are going soso. Working on getting my insomnia treated but at the moment my sleep schedule is non existent. Once I get that worked out I'll be golden
I had high blood pressure last doctor visit. I'm working on getting it lower so I don't have to go on meds. I'm crushing beets and it's been helping a ton. Cardio has doubled. Diet healthier in general. I'll knock it out but it is a bit stressful.
Life has been up and down a lot the last few months, what with moving, figuring out i’m trans, starting transitioning, getting sick, new city, ect.
The next few weeks will be incredible though. Going on a long distance backpacking trip with one of my oldest friends.
I've finally started to snap and be a dick to people in my life. I've been pulling too much of the share of the weight by merit of being the driver. I don't really get many opportunities to be lazy and when regret it. That said, better than I was a couple weeks ago.
Quite well actually. Started uni a few weeks ago and I'm doing linguistics which I'm really into so that's been pretty fun. I've had a bit of extra time now that I'm more settled in as well, so I finally started learning Arabic (fus7a that is) for real, which I've been wanting to do for a long time and it definitely hasn't disappointed because it's a really cool language. Also I met someone really cool on the introduction day thingy for my programme and we've been talking a lot, like a lot a lot, and it's been really nice, it's been quite some time since I've vibed with someone this well I think.
On the other hand ye olde eating disordre is a thing still I guess, although in kind of a weird way where I almost don't know if I can call it that. It hasn't really even been on my mind almost at all, which in pretty stark contrast to a while ago, and it doesn't feel like I've been eating that little, but at the same time I've clearly lost a fair amount of weight (can't say how much bc I have refrained from getting a scale) since arriving here because basically none of my clothes seem to fit anymore. So yeah idk what's up with that
Struggling to get a full eight hours of sleep due to an inability to stop worrying about politics, both stateside and abroad. Still, I got an assload of soldering done and I managed to clean my toilet so violently I broke the wand brush by accident
Finally locked down an advisor on my third attempt. And apparently the project will hopefully move kind of quickly (relatively speaking) so I can get tf out of wretched academia
Mostly good, but can't find the motivation to work on my studies as much as I should. Lots of stuff to do, kinda overwhelmed sometimes, stressing a bit about many things. But no major problem.
Will have to put my studies on hold to seek stationary treatment for my depression. Not like I managed much the last year anyway,better this way. I managed to get therapy, after a lot of effort from several people, but it is not helping, or at least I do not feel like I made any progress. It probably does not help that I can't arrange meetings, due to my depression.
I have a sewing machine now and I'm very eager to start sewing everything. Pants too long? hem that shit. Pant seat feels a bit off? Alterations. Shirts too large? not anymore.
I'm sure I'm about to mess up a bit, but it'll be fine. I'm just happy I get to learn a new useful skill to add to my skills cabinet.
Kinda reeling from a couple things that happened over the past day that has me feeling a mixture of doomer thought and that sort of spite-like motivational anger. I kinda used the megas to vent a bit but I'm still feeling it and can't immediately do anything about either event so I've been blowing off steam in the meantime by blasting loud music and working on my platformer. It's working, so great strat on my part if I do say so myself!