Is it too late to date for me?
Is it too late to date for me?
Hi my fellow Lemmy users! It’s been a while since I used this platform and boy did I actually miss you all ❤️
It’s just that I’ve been more so focusing on myself in my career and in my own education. So I graduated back in June and man it sure does feel like a lifetime ago already. Settled in a good paying job and still trying to improve myself wherever I can.
This brings us to the question that I wanted to ask everyone here. As I’ve been very focused on academics and career stuff I never had the opportunity to date and I’ve been rejected very frequently (which is to be expected as a man tbh). I haven’t been able to lose weight and that I’m 25 years old.
I know that’s still pretty young but I still feel so behind on dating tbh. Is it still too late for me to find someone I want to be with after I’ve lost weight? Does losing weight help for men as it does for women? I’ve been trying to join meetups, volunteering (just to meet new people tbh) and really put myself out there. It’s just idk like all my friends are committed and I’m just floating around life whilst focusing on my career.
I'm not even saying this to be nice. You are 25. You're a baby. You may feel like you are old. But you are not. Not even close.
Ever hear the saying "youth is wasted on the young"? This is why people say it. Hindsight is gonna slap you in the face when you are actually old. You're fine. It's not too late.
I haven't been able to lose weight
You need to be honest with yourself here, everyone is able to lose weight (except a very small minority of people with severe mental and or health issues) and what you really mean to say is "I have not committed to losing weight".
There is a huge difference between wanting a fit and healthy body and actually committing long term to the idea of consistently smaller portions.
And that is all it takes. You do not need to swap every meal for a shitty salad, you do not need need to run ten miles a day, you do not need to make weight loss your number one priority, you do not need the mental strength of the world's strongest man, you do not need more time in the day or any other of the 101 excuses that overweight people use.
- weigh yourself
- consistently eat less
- weigh yourself again after a few weeks/months
- adjust the amount you eat further if necessary
- repeat steps three and four
If you consume less calories than you burn, then you can lose weight on a diet of pizza and sitting on the couch all day.
I know what I've said here will come across as harsh, but it's all absolutely true and I hope that you lose your unwanted weight, it really will help your dating prospects and it will make you feel better about yourself too!
You don't need to be thin to date. I've been a fat man my whole life, introverted and introspective, spent most of my life alone.
My first relationship wasn't until about your age. I married her because I thought I'd always be alone otherwise. It was a mistake and I was wrong.
Took a long time to figure myself out, only had two other real relationships and a few nonstarters, then met my wife when I was almost 40.
I'm still fat. So what?
The one advice I can give you is, women are closer to men than you may think. Whatever you find interesting, there's someone out there who would think so too. Whatever disgusts you, probably disgusts women too. IMO, dating advice that includes phrases such as "as a man" are misleading, because they imply that women are fundamentally different and must be treated differently.
Treat them as you would a friend, rather than something to be won, and you'll find that people will be more receptive. 25 years old is still plenty young
After outliving two husbands, my great aunt Anna got married again at 97. Why would you think things are over at 25?
If the question is "am I too old to X?" where X is not some kind of major official sporting achievement or something limited only to children, the answer is no.
Honestly it sounds like you're in a pretty good place to me. Educated, good job, actively social, these are all attractive things! But the fact that you asked this question in the first place suggests confidence is still lacking a bit (which makes sense, you are as other commenters have said still very young). One thing that does help with confidence is losing weight and feeling like you look good, so in that respect it probably would help. But it's not like heavier people are all single, if you click with someone you click. And by putting yourself out there you're already giving yourself the best chance of that happening.
Relax, you're only 25. You have plenty of time to fall madly in love, get married, fall madly out of love, get divorced, and repeat. Multiple times if you want to! People of all ages and in all walks of life are dating and getting together, so no, you're never too old.
Also as far as weight goes, in my opinion you should lose it because you want to lose it, not simply because you think it'll make you more attractive to others. You're more likely to keep it off that way, and when it comes to building meaningful relationships I think being fit is much less important than being yourself and being comfortable in your own skin.
No. 25 is very young.
Dating can be difficult and lots of people screw it up. That's okay. Being bad at something is the first step towards being okay at something.
Remember to ask questions when you go on dates. It's a common mistake for people to just talk about themselves. Try to ask the other person open ended questions, and engage with whatever they're talking about. So if they say like "I went to Storm King this weekend" you can say like "Oh storm king is lovely! My favorite is the sculpture of the moving pipes that spin but never touch. What's your favorite part?" Don't go off on a monologue. Don't just change the topic to something you want to talk about. It's like a game of catch. Throw the ball back.
Also weight isn't the most important thing. Unless you're like so overweight it's a medical problem, there are people out there who will be into you. If you want to lose weight (or get fit, an arguably better goal) then you should do it for yourself.
Also rejection is to be expected. Don't let it get to you.
If you use an app like tinder, you're going to get way more misses than hits. That's fine. Focus on the hits and let the misses fade from memory.
Dude, you are being way, way too hard on yourself. Here is why:
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Your personality doesn't fully develop until you're about 26 or 27. This is because of development in your prefrontal cortex
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The fitness thing can change relatively easily and yes, it will help you. Not only will it help you dating, but it'll help your lifestyle in general and you're overall health.
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There are tons of people that are in the same boat as you within your cohort. I realize that of me feel like you're dating opportunities are over now that you've graduated, but this is just a change in your lifestyle.
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You are already workinfg on improving yourself which is going to improve your odds on finding someone that you connect with. Your volunteering, you're doing other things. You are chasing own hobbies and living your life. This also helps
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Anecdotally, I was in a very similar position at your age. Spend a pile of time working (300 hr months from June to December; 220ish the rest of the year). I still managed to find the right person and now I'm snuggling our youngest while typing this.
The journey of self improvement is thankless. It sucks. You feel like you're getting nowhere and everyone is miles out ahead of you. They aren't, and if they seem like it, it's because they have made tradeoffs. Comparison ruins our self confidence. Try you best to avoid it. Let what you do on self improvement be because that's what you want to improve upon because that's how you envision the best version of yourself.
Self-improvement is also extremely slow. Same with the dating thing. I realize how painfully lonely it can be to be single, but developing a good group of friends will help. Further, you shouldn't view a potential partner as something necessary to make you happy or complete. You need to be those things before you even think about getting into a relationship; otherwise you're setting yourself up for disaster and placing unreasonable expectations on said partner.
I could go on, but there's enough there to encourage you
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I'm not really sure where you're going with this. What's the alternative, just working yourself to death? You can date whenever you decide to date.
Everyone's life is different. Some people are married, have kids, and divorce before they can even have a legal drink. Others kind of slowly see a friendship morph into a long term relationship without them even noticing. Still others are happy to be free and unattached. Your story is your own, on your own timeline.
If you have a more specific concern (which I think you do), such as how to meet people after 25, try posting that as its own question to the right audience. Just be careful to avoid the toxic areas, like incels.
I started dating at age 30, met my wife when I was 35 and we're still married now 8 years later. My father-in-law met his girlfriend when he was 50 and they're still together now 15 years later.
There is a lot of great advice in this thread, but I just want to post a quote that I like the meaning. 'Women are not a objective, they're a consequence'. So invest in yourself, like so many others have said, and get out there and something will happen.
As far as losing weight goes, the importance of that will really depend on the type of person you want to date. If you're only attracted to people who put a lot of effort into their fitness and appearance, you'll have to do the same. If that's not as important to you though, there are definitely options out there. Online dating might be rough, but being kind, respectful, comfortable in who you are, and open minded will take you a long way.
At 25 its when my fun started. It wasn't even planned, we were supposed to have a drink off. Queue 4 years of relationship.
my friend, I grew up in a religious cult and did not date until my mid 20s. Had sex for first time at age 24.
I'm doing fine now. If I can do it, so can anyone!
I met my current girlfriend in my mid 30s. It's not too late.
I didn't start till I was 25. You have nothing to worry about.
One of my coworkers struggles with this too, but maybe for different reasons.
My coworker projects that he just wants a long term relationship. That's fine and dandy on the surface, but hear me out for a second. Would you rather date someone who loves you specifically, or someone who just wants to be in a relationship? Would you rather be with someone who finds you amazing, or someone who is only dating you because other people their age are dating?
This can also cause the person you're interested in to be concerned about whether you are who you say you are. It may cause them to question if you did really fall for them, or if you're playing the part to avoid being single. People who have experienced that will be more cautious dating anyone who just wants to be with someone.
I'm not saying that's the case for you, but I've seen it happen a lot. I think that's also a part of what people mean when they tell you to focus on building yourself up, and to let love happen when it happens. Don't be like my coworker.
You are still very young, and you have a lifetime ahead of you. Don't count yourself out yet.
I met my wife at 28. When you do find someone, remember to try to separate whether you love being in a relationship from whether you love them.
The sooner you let the wrong ones go, the more time you have to find the right one.
Good luck!
I had some friends who got married and started their family at 40 years old. You're fine.
Nope. Objectively, I don't think it's too late at any point.
Subjectively... let's just say this post and the comments have been pretty helpful to me as well. (Yes, the post as well.)
(which is to be expected as a man tbh)
Well, there's your problem right there. You go in expecting to be rejected and it's probably going to happen. It's cliche but true, be confident, don't be desperate, just be present. Talk to women like they're men, they're really not any different. Don't go into it looking for a relationship, just go into these things to meet new people and see what happens.
Society and social groups will convince you there's a "right time" for everything. There isn't. We all find our own path, there's no right or wrong way about it.
Bear in mind what you're about to read is the ramblings of an autistic women. I may be a woman, but the world still looks a lot different through my eyes than it does to other women, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
Anyway, definitely not too late to date. That part's simple to answer.
As far as losing weight, depends really on how much you weigh as for how it'll effect your dating options. For men, I think gaining a little muscle is more important than losing fat. Even if you weigh quite a lot, if you've got a bit of muscle showing through there will be women who find you attractive. I can't speak for all women, but to me, it's more attractive when a guy's body shows that they're thinking about their health than it is when a guy has a traditionally attractive physique. In other words, a little muscle shows you're putting work in regardless of if you're successfully losing much fat. You'll probably inevitably lose some fat anyway if you gain some muscle, because it speeds up your metabolism.
In the end though, physical appearance isn't as often important to women as it is to men. If you've got a personality that meshes well with somebody, they'll probably like you anyway.What you're doing to meet people is good, but another good way to find people Imo, is through your hobbies. Although that can be tougher if all your hobbies are male dominated. Even if you do meet women into it in that case, I speak from experience when I say we're expecting to be approached and tend to already have our rejection locked and loaded. If that's the case, I'd say the best option is to wait and see if they show interest in you first.
Making more friends is also good. Besides the fact that it's good for your mental health, they can also introduce you to people, and somebody who knows you well is gonna be way better at finding people who will match well with you than anything like dating apps or searching aimlessly. I was introduced to my wife by a friend. They didn't even intend it as a romantic setup, they just thought we had a lot in common and would make good friends. The romance happened to blossom from that.
I'd end this off by telling you it's good to learn to be happy being single, but I know that's harder than it sounds, and sometimes you can't manage it until you've already been in and out of a serious relationship or two. Do take care of your mental health though. A happy man is an attractive man.
Here is a shitty little secret: as long as you are clean and look clean your physical appearance isn't the problem.
You either haven't had time to interact with enough people to find someone compatible, you dont know how to treat the people you're interested in dating like they're normal people, or you don't have the spaces to meet people in.
I just got married last year at the age of 35. I think you’re good, man. And yes, losing weight helps. Not everyone likes a fit partner, but most people do.
I've started dating a bit late and let me tell you: you can't really be behind. Yeah, there's some generic interpersonal experience you get from dating, but that maxes out at like, 3 months of dating. So I'd put someone who's dated for 3 months and someone who's dated for like 6 years at basically the same point experience wise, if they're both put into a situation where they're back on the dating market after it.
You do build personal rapport with a person during a relationship, but people start and stop those all the time - everyone's on a different schedule, you can't really compare yourself to that.
Oh, and on the weight loss point - don't sweat it!! Being chubby is way less of a dealbreaker when you're a guy. And the people who do mind aren't people you should be giving a chance to anyways 🤷
You're only 25, of course you will date. Weight loss is not a barrier to meet people, but if you want to work on that, intermittent fasting works well with many people.
It's actually a great age to date. Improve yourself just for the sake of your own health and you'll do fine.
You're doing fine. Don't try to force it or focus on it too much tbh. If you are being rejected just move on unless you see the effort as worth it. I am not sure what type of woman you are looking for so I cannot give a good enough answer where to search. You are still very young and honestly I would say keep focusing on yourself while just meeting people.
Losing weight will only really help your self esteem (probably your health in general which can be appealing to others as well). You're putting yourself out there which is important, try not to make everything you do a search for a potential romance though lol.
25 is very young to think you'll never meet someone. Doctors and Lawyers can take a while to get to finish school so you're not exactly alone. If you're awkward at 25 it's not a big deal tbh, don't sweat being the only single guy in your friend group. I'm sure there's a few guys you know in committed relationships who may wish to trade places with you
Hell I'm mid 40s and the last time I was single was right about your age. Getting all the school stuff out of the way first puts you on a level to have a better perspective on what you want to have in a partner.
You might be behind on dating, but you're also behind on divorce. Trust me, it's a double-edged sword, and if you rush into it, you'll only get stabbed in the back. Though of course that isn't to say loneliness itself feels like a dagger (mine is inscribed "platonic" on it). How many platonic friends do you have?
No it's not too late, you're only 25, that's pretty young. Yes other people have started dating much younger, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter much. Focusing on yourself and your career and education can be attractive to others, so don't worry about having "wasted time" or anything. Losing weight if you're overweight helps, same with gaining weight if you're underweight. Just be sure that the primary focus is health and ignore all the unrealistic body standards in movies and on social media. You're doing well to put yourself out there, don't worry about your friends, I'm sure you'll find someone single that wants to have a relationship soon. You seem to be on the right track, so don't worry. Avoid all the weird dating advice on the internet, it's not helpful.
25 is still young. You’ve got plenty of time. I’m in my 30’s and only recently got engaged. Stop comparing yourself to all your friends who paired up in high school and got married at 20 years old; They’re the exception, not the norm. Even college is young to get married. And besides, chances are good that the early marriages won’t last more than a few years. Then they’ll be right where you are now, but with alimony payments to make.
Hell, remember that most characters in zillennial sitcoms like Friends, HIMYM, New Girl, etc were in their late 20’s and early 30’s. And those sitcoms revolve around dating.
25 isn't too young, and makes sense if you have focused on education and career. I followed a similar path in that I spent a lot of time in education, only starting to properly consider courting someone around the age of 25 or 26 after I finished my PhD. Things were complicated somewhat by Covid, but I got married last year at the age of 30.
As to losing weight, I can't speak much from experience on that, but losing some weight may be a good idea, as much for your own health as anything else. Unless you are really overweight (in which case it is a medical issue that you should address), I think you shouldn't worry too much about it in terms of dating.
My only real advice to you is to meet as many girls as humanly possible and do not lower your standards for anyone, no matter how pretty they are.
The only way to be "behind" on dating is to not work on yourself. Sounds like you've been doing a lot for yourself, with your career and losing weight and all. Don't forget therapy. There is nothing more attractive to a girl than just being in a good spot mentally, socially, and physically. Seriously, the bar for men is at ankle height! Most guys don't work on themselves and go through life as a shambling pile of red flags, and then girls settle for that.
When my fiancée first met me, I was living in my parent's basement and biking to work every day because I didn’t have a car. But I had a clear idea of who I was and what I wanted to be, and I was working towards my short-term goal of buying a new car. Somehow that was enough to be an amazing once-in-a-lifetime catch for her. You are way better off than I was, and even I was able to catch a girl that is better than anything I could have hoped for. (At this point in my life, my list of "what the perfect girl looks like" had gotten so long that I had given up on finding someone who fit even most of them, then she walks in and I realize she checked every box on that list, even the childish stuff like having the biggest boobs I've seen in person and having all the same hobbies as me) Point is, don't ever think you aren't worth it. I got my dream girl while living in my parent's basement with no car and no career; if my loser ass can do it, you can too. Have faith in yourself.
On a side note, I think what's making things feel harder is how much more difficult dating is when you aren't going to school. I would recommend getting involved in irl hobbies and keeping your eyes open. That way you are more likely to meet girls who have hobbies in common with you.
I didn't start dating until around that age due to some pretty crippling social anxiety. It took a bit to get the hang of things and things were occasionally frustrating but I found my wife in the end. I know it sucks when all your friends seem to have found someone and you are basically just starting out. But friends are still there to be helpful and they generally like to hear dating stories which can be pretty interesting.
Losing weight will likely help you feel more confident which definitely helps. It can also open up more activities for dates.
As you say, 25 is not old at all. As long as you keep socializing with friends and coworkers, pursue IRL hobbies ideally social ones, etc. as you mention, I don't think it matters much if it takes you 6 months or >5 years to reach your fitness goals.
The only people I'd consider """lost cases""" I know personally are shut-ins who have long mentally parted ways with baseline humanity. An inability to have a decent conversation with people is harder to fix than being overweight and becomes more of a problem with each year of age. But you seem to be on the right track there!
Definitely not too late! But definitely not easy, either! But having the right perspective can help a lot. I never got into online dating personally but it is an option there.
My main recommendation is honestly in local events and hobby type gatherings. That, and the important friends of friends. Your friends surely know other people who know people who are interested in something you like - all it takes is a couple social gatherings and making the right connections. It's important to not look at dating overall as this monumental task that will be some achievement, but rather dating is a path to experience the frivolity of life and the events we put on together! I've always felt that you shouldn't be dating explicitly to "find the one", but rather it is the opportunity to go out and have fun, hang out with friends, make new ones. Live the events that you get to experience :)
Granted, I'm a social person and I do like going out but mostly on my own terms, I definitely recharge with alone time. My experience also is in a very populated area, so I can't really speak to smaller towns and the like, but generally it seems like building a habit from something you enjoy be it a food/drink place or game/store place. Consistency is comfort and comfort is appealing :) things like that can help if you find yourself as someone who doesn't feel as comfortable in larger spaces like that. But a few reminders: it's not imposing to exist and there's no such thing as butting in on a conversation (so long as you don't derail it). If there's a circle, join it! If there's a lull, comment! And don't be afraid to be a planner! Brunches, game nights (lots of fun old board games for $1-3 at thrift stores), invite your friends and the new people you connect with!
These are my social butterfly tips and tricks to having fun and making friends :) I feel that it makes any potential romance even more sweet because the person isn't some prize or goal, they just are someone who you met doing something you love. I think that's an important distinction when looking for dating tips, it makes it so gamified and almost fake. That's part of why I never tried online dating - met some nice people on friends style apps but there's also a lot of scams so... Meh. Although, if you were part of something like a midwest.social lemmy (just as an example) then you could also try meetups since local is more likely.
But personally, I'm a friends of friends events person - although I ended up with my crush from middle school not in this fashion so you never know!
I can recommend the video The science of catching up in life
It is never too late
You're still a spring chicken. Yes, everything you can do to improve your well-being, such as losing weight, helps.
I didn't meet my wife until I was older than 25, and to be honest I wasn't ready to meet her until I did. I was very much still figuring myself out, and I didn't even realize it. I recommend that before you even attempt dating people, you first date yourself for a while. I know you focus on your career, but how are you spending your free time? Are you cooking yourself a nice meal that you enjoy? Are you drawing, painting, playing music, woodworking, etc or are you just passively watching TV? Are you getting into anything new? You need to be giving your mind and body the constructive attention that it craves, and that will help you to find out what kind of person you are and what your likes and dislikes are, and most importantly what you enjoy doing with yourself, not just by yourself. Then and only then can you be the confident and interesting person that others will truly desire to spend time with, because you will have fostered personal growth such that you yourself truly desire to spend time with you.
You mentioned losing weight; some general calorie reduction and minor exercise is enough to get pretty fit, but it could take a while depending on how much you weigh and what your target weight is. Don't be discouraged by stagnation. Muscle is dense, and health is more important that weight. Every minute on a treadmill is significantly more productive than spending it on the couch. Even if you have an off day and can't motivate yourself to do the exercise you want to do, you can still do some pushups while you're waiting for your shower water to get hot enough. One pushup is better than zero pushups.
Make a paper airplane right now. Doodle some racing stripes or flames on it. Throw it. Enjoy your own company for 5 minutes and see how you like it. Be your own best friend for the evening. I guarantee it will kickstart you onto a productive path.
Never too late, although it does sound like you could reflect on how much time you spend on you. Your career is great, but you need to be happy first.
Get weird, find some hobbies or just get on some paid (and therefore more serious and less gamey) dating apps and start finding out what you want and what you like. Lack of experience seems like the hardest thing in the world to overcome, but it’s really not, just gotta relax and make some mistakes. Accept that you’re gonna have some awkward interactions and just try to make each of them a fun story…and don’t take pushy advice to heart.
I know it feels overwhelming now, but your life has barely started. You’ve got plenty of time!
You are certainly not to old for anything, except youth sports, kiddie meals.
On losing weight - I don't think it's a requirement to be attractive, plenty of people don't care. But I have heard enough stories about partners being distressed when their boyfriend/girlfriend lost weight - the lifestyle can get out of synch if you get healthy and they don't. So if you know that's what you are going to do in the next year or two, I would say at least get started and establish the lifestyle you will need so that it's not a shocking change to anyone you are dating.
And yes, being more conventionally attractive will increase your potential pool of partners but like I put in another comment - looks are an asset but only open doors, nothing else. Once you are through that door, everything else about you is what matters.
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my partner felt much the same way you do - she had never had a boyfriend before we got together, when she was 28.
we met through a dating site - OKCupid - don't know if that makes a difference to you.
While, no, of course it's not too late. If you're happy where you're at tho, make sure dating is something you actually want and not just something you like the idea of. I'm a couple decades older and one of my regrets is how much time and effort I put into dating before I realized I was happier with myself.
Go through Matthew Hussey's dating podcasts and content on YouTube, he is an insanely solid guy for advice. Also, Anna Akana from the past few years. Great woman.
If you date, and dates end up forging into potential marriages, just remember one word: prenup. This is a man's most important defense. Never marry without it, and ensure it is legally honoured.
There are kind people out there more than happy to create friendships with you! The ideas spread around like 'spinster' or '40-year-old virgin' used as insults can be ignored.
Go at your own rate. There are so many people that would love to contact you. Might not be right away, but you'll get your person.
Yes. 25 is too old to start dating.
