Are adults really not supposed to financially helps their old parents?

No most Americans do end up supporting their parents. On the other hand, I think most Americans would agree that their parents don’t deserve financial support merely for being their parents. You support your family because you like them and not because it’s a requirement.

Also, I think a lot of younger people begrudge their parents for not handling their own financials better, especially as the younger generations see how much harder some things are than they used to be.

For example, my in-laws collectively make over 6 figures and inherited a house decades ago that’s worth almost a million dollars due to housing inflation. They absolutely could have a reasonable retirement plan, but they don’t. They spend money as fast as they get it and won’t be passing their house down like their parents did because they have multiple large loans against the house. They use this money to go on vacations every other month and own more vehicles than they really need. They also mentioned to me recently that they would like it if we could try to buy a house with extra rooms for when they get old and need to be taken care of.

I’m not going to let my wife’s parents be homeless when they inevitably can’t work, but I do find it somewhat infuriating that their lack of planning is going to cost me potentially a huge amount of money.

Last, just to add more confusion to this, there are a number of US states which have familial responsibility laws. These laws mean that you can be found legally liable for certain debts accumulated by your parents. This is the exception rather than the norm but it does demonstrate that Americans aren’t actually as independent as they would have you believe.

You went off to a different country and things are much different.

In the US, generally, parents by retirement age have paid for their homes by then, have retired with benefits from their employer that will give them some money every month, have social security that also pays them every month (both of these are taken out of each paycheck throughout their career lives) and don't have many bills.

So by the time they're old, if they were responsible and held ok jobs, they should need money less than you need it. Our US system is basically set up to make you work hard for 40 ish years and then you're taken care of when you're old, for the most part. If your parents need money and you have money to give, there's nothing wrong or against it. It's still a common thing. But ideally, doing that shouldn't be needed.

I'm not American, but in my culture it is not that deep rooted, that you have to care for your parents.
Maybe because we have a public pension system. But when the pension is not enough and a person has to relay on social security authorities will check the income of all direct relatives. Depending on your income you are obligated to support your kids and parents.

You are basing so much on a YouTube video.

Jeez this is a good reminder of how people get influenced by media.

Middle, upper-middle, and upper class=wealth flows down.

If you're poor, and sometimes just not white, wealth flows where it's needed. Coworkers were very confused why I'm trying to save money to help my parents -- who do and have always rented -- when they're too old to work.

Like they literally struggled to wrap their minds around the idea that a) not only can my parents not afford to retire, b) they can't afford care when they can no longer work, c) they currently take care of my grandma who is in that position right now, d) I don't, haven't, and won't be receiving some sort of windfall in the form of property or money when they die, e) the best off of me and my siblings are who tries to help out financially for the siblings that are having tougher times, not our parents.

They looked at me like I had grown a second head, but I work around almost exclusively upper middle class white people.

I think it's a north American thing. In a lot of cultures around the world you are expected to take care of your parents, either financially or in terms of letting them live with you. Because... You know... They took care of you when you needed it the most?

First of all, Ramsey is an asshole. Second, the kind of USAmericans that do this are the ones that have bought the American Individualism^TM propaganda.

We just do what we need to do. If my parents needed help and I could help them, I would. Right now I need help and they're helping me. I'm just trying to get back on my feet so I can be ready to help whem im finally needed.

Ramsey has some views that don't align with everyone. The important thing to keep in mind is that America is so diverse, your neighbor could be a different religion and most of us (despite what media will lead you to belive) don't give a fuck.

If I were to re-work the advice to be less extreme, I'd say don't put your self in a finacial struggle trying to help your parents.

In America, the older folks tend to have more money than the younger folks. So culturally speaking, we don't really think to send money to our elders.

The first way is pensions used to be common, so older folks get that. There are also retirement accounts that people would pay into their whole working life. (These are very commonly offered and are pretty set and forget.) Cost of living used to be a lot lower too, so they also had greater opportunity to save up as they aged.

Another way is that established people tend not to have to spend as much money. If you live in your own house and have for a while, your home goods are typically handled and you only need to replenish as needed. (I'm talking things like furniture, small fixtures... Stuff that would be a pain to move or replace if you are not as established.)

Also in the United States, current working age people pay into social security, which older folks can draw from. (There are rules and exceptions, but for the most part, this is how it works.)

So here, the older folks are in a better financial position overall. (There are of course exceptions, and with their advanced age it is harder to dig themselves out.

For myself, I am doing well. But even though I'm ahead of many of my peers, I'm still not doing as well as my parents when they were my age. The cost of my schooling was much higher than that of someone that graduated 30, 20, even 10 years before me. (But it did allow me to get a very good job.) The cost of living rose quite a bit higher than wages, so I wasn't able to save and invest like they did. I've had to take on second jobs to pay for healthcare. (My parents did not have to.)

I might be a bit biased though, because I was also told I would get no financial help from my parents after I became an adult. I would be far more inclined to help if they invested in my education, which would have made me be way more far ahead financially.

However, I do help my mom when I can. I visit. I help her fix things. I don't help her financially though.

Don't listen to that right-wing idiot Dave Ramsey. He says stupid shit all the time, like never ever go into debt for anything ever, which is just unrealistic.

For example, according to him it's preferable for you to get a 500$ clunker that you will undoubtedly have to continuously repair over a reasonably priced reliable used car that you take a small loan out for. There's a middle ground with debt, even credit cards.

Australian millennial here: most parents are richer than us and will continue to be until they pass

Some things are common within a culture, but even in places where most people are inclined to help their aging parents, like various countries in Asia, there are still children who reasonably choose not to do so. Cultural tendencies are simply that, tendencies. If your country doesn't have a law requiring you to provide support, it's because lawmakers know that in some situations it might be reasonable not to do so.

Did you notice how you wrote that you would be seen as downright evil, but you didn't say by who? I feel like that's something you ought to consider more carefully.

You gave an example of sending your father money, but you haven't seen him for 17 years. This raises many more questions. Does he need your money? Is your money helping? If you found out that he didn't need your money and it's not helping, would you stop sending it? Are you sending the money to make yourself feel good, even though it's not helping him? How do you think he would feel if you found out you were sending him money even though you're jobless?

Finally, you used the word "unnatural" knowing that it's just not true. That was certainly an antagonistic approach to the issue. Is that what you intended? Was it accidental? If it was accidental, what word did you actually mean instead?

Turn that shit off

Completely depends on if your parents are in your life, if they're good people and treat you with love and respect.

Also depends on your parents financial status, as well as your financial status.

Most people my age (Millenial) are not as well off as our parents so it wouldn't make sense to support them.

There is no single answer to your question other than "it depends"

I'm American and I haven't given a penny to my folks. If they needed financial help, of course I'd help them out, but they don't need my money. By the same token, I've told them several times that I don't want an inheritance. I'd rather they enjoy their money while they're alive.

Speaking as someone in the upper middle class and barring any catastrophe, I think it's poor planning on the parents' part to have to be reliant on financial support from their adult child. I understand it's not that way for everyone, but in our case, my parents worked for the State. They had good benefits including a very generous pension, plus they both receive social security. If they needed my help financially it would mean they'd been really irresponsible with their money.

I do help them in other ways - e.g., moving heavy furniture that they can no longer lift, or being there to help my mom when my dad had surgery. They know that I'm there if they need me. Maybe in our case that's what matters more than giving them actual money.

Dave Ramsey is typical right-wing evangelical cult leader, but instead of dipping directly into religion, he is a conservative financial coach. He’s the human manifestation of “stop eating avocado toast” and “get a third job.” He has fired employees for being gay, being pregnant, being non-Christian, and for having premarital sex. He forced his employees to remain in office during the pandemic.

So it should be no surprise that his advice involves becoming a selfish, heartless jackass. He wants his working class followers to be good boot lickers who are self-sufficient and satisfied with their economic ceiling, and not believe in the potential for progress that would benefit society but may be detrimental to grifters like himself. That means his followers need every one of their hard-earned pennies to pay their bills and grow their nest egg, rather than waste any bits on generosity or compassion.

TLDR: If you’re poor and you support mom, you might become too poor to perceive success from Ramsey’s advice. That’s what it comes down to. Fuck him.

The main thing rubbing me wrong is forcing to support the parents - parents decide to have a child, so they do owe the child support during its live. The child didn't have a choice in this, and therefore owes the parents nothing. Now if the parents were decent people there's a high chance the kids want to help out because of that - and that's a perfectly good thing to do. But there should not be a forced obligation by society.

Americans are not a monolith, but instead all over the place with regard to a cultural practice like care for the elderly. If you had to summarize it might be fair to say that there is more of a sense of freedom from obligation to care for elders than in some other places, which is also driven by the baby boomer generation being so entitled and the current younger generations encountering ever worsening economic prospects which the boomers are stereotypically blind and unsympathetic towards. Also, there is a greater recognition of abuse and sometimes that leads to the recognition that ones elders have been abusive and therefore can go fuck themselves.

Finance Bros are not normal people. They tend to be pretty sociopathic.

In the UK unless your parents are particularly poor it is not that common to support them.

We have a socialised pension that most should be able to live on. And most people have private or government pensions as well.

Are you really Americans like that?

No, not really.

I’ve seen clip of that financial advice show “The Ramsey show” on YouTube and the things that old man say are shocking to me. According to him I shouldn’t give a single cent to my parents…

A youtuber that is being a narcissistic, uncompassionated asshole? I'm shocked, shocked!

Well, not that shocked.

I'll help them after they go back in time to give me a childhood.

Yeah don't listen to Dave Ramsey. I remember hearing him speak on TV as a kid and something just felt off about him, but not quite as bad as Suze Orman.

I don't think he's a scammer, and some of the stuff he says is perfectly sensible and useful, but he (a boomer) also gives advice that isn't how he got rich, to millennials and co, who will never ever get rich following it. Structurally that makes him pretty out of touch, and suggests anyone who listens to him should do so critically.

That's putting aside that he's also kind of just telling people to do capitalism harder, and everything that comes with that.

Okay so are you wanting to just seem superior to those who would rather us all pay our own bills? Because you don't always have to be a psychopath to prefer that. If my parents needed it, I would help them. But I don't understand why you're asking this here this way as though there is one situation or attitude in a country of hundreds of millions of citizens. Like everyone else, we'd hope our parents can cover their own costs, but most of us would help if they can't.

I would be seen as downright evil if I do that.

Being downright evil is the secret ingredient to becoming rich. It doesn't work for everyone, but all the richest people are evil.

It is a sound financial advice, but also a morally terrible one. It's your call which of these is more important to you.

I've never heard this before, and it sounds gross and stupid. If you have the power to help your family then do it. Ignore the psycho who lets his parents wallow in poverty.

Although personally I'm more broke than my parents so it's not an option.

There is much less of a familial obligation for help between adult children and their parents than in other countries. There is something of an expectation, but it is either tied to economic duress or disability.

For instance, it is common for adult children to pay rent to their parents if they continue to live at home. Sometimes parents will give that money back to their kids when they move out, but it isn't common practice

On the flip side, while Social Security and Medicare are meager compared to other countries, it is common for that to be enough justification that parents don't need full financial support until they are in a home. Even then, it is expected that the parents use up their savings before relying financially on their kids. That kids send money to their parents just because is not typical here.

It depends. I think it's definitely less common here because it just isn't needed most of the time. Even a working class retiree should have a pension or 401k, social security, and some kind of savings from their life as a working adult.

To require the support of your children, you'd have to be unable to work, not entitled to substantial amounts of social security, not have paid into a retirement plan, and not have saved any money from when you did work.

I know a couple of people who support their parents, and they either spend their ENTIRE lives in poverty making sub-minimum wage (which is pretty uncommon), or they just straight up blew all their money because they assumed their kid would take care of them. I don't have a lot of sympathy for the second category.

They have their own money. Why would they need mine?

The purpose of wealth and legacy is to pass to the people who are the future, not the past. You will outlive your parents and your children will outlive you. That’s the direction it should flow - it’s evil of your parents to take your money.

European here, if my parents needed assistance I'd do my best to help them 100%. But that's because they're my parents, they can be thrifty, I know they're not gambling addicts or spending it all on booze etc. Having to ask (not outright, but no longer strongly refusing my help or no longer dumping money on us at every opportunity to avoid inheritance taxes) would be an indicator that they're already pretty desperate.

Lots of people aren't as lucky regarding their parents.

I think adults should do what they think is right.

I've never heard of the show that was referenced. I know many Americans that have financially supported their elder parents. Basically the quality of care that their parents receive is based on how much the adult children can afford.

I feel like some American seniors have more money than their adult children, and the children expect to receive an inheritance once their parents die.

If someone has reasons for not financially supporting their parents, like a deeply strained relationship due to past trauma caused by the parent, I suppose I could understand that.

But America is a big country. I'm sure there are assholes that tell their 90 year old parent to get a job when they could afford to help. But I feel like most Americans would recognize this as cruel.

Many Americans live paycheck to paycheck, and can't afford to give much.

I think it's lazy advice to tell people they can save money by not giving their family financial assistance.

Do what feels right. If you have the money to spare, I see nothing wrong with helping your parents.

It’s a white thing. Nothing is a monolith, mileage always varies, but look at what, middle of the bell curve, look at what our culture does. Take a close, hard look at nursing homes. Many cultures don’t have them. We do. Why? Because each generation tends to have a “I have my own life to live” attitude.

Get out of the house. No, really. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you still living at home? Are you deficient? Lazy? A mooch? Do you lack adulting capacity? What is wrong with you? Why are you 20(+) and still living at home? 30 and still at home? You probably don’t qualify as human any more.

This attitude from the very people who then end up abandoned in a nursing home by these kids they pushed out, later. Some, loudly lamenting how their kids abandoned them there, never come to visit, and are now living in their house.

Multigenerational is moving in, yes, but it’s not where things started, for sure. Some white parents even charge rent at 18.

Mileage varies. My white family did none of this. My mom is in a mother in law apartment on my property. Her parents lived with us. I lived with her during college. And so on.

But there’s a prevailing get out of the house as soon as high scho graduation hits, and an “I have my own life to live” attitude.

Well I'm Asian so maybe it's a cultural thing. But I'm my parents retirement plan. I'm guessing the same goes for you. Its the same sending money back home for all Asians.

I think the underlying sentiment of the finance gurus in this scenario is not "don't help your family" but rather "you need to put your own oxygen mask on first before attempting to help those around you."

If your financial house isn't in order, helping someone out of their hole first only hurts your cause. (If you only look at finances in isolation and ignore significant relationships...)

It depends where you are. I live in a country where you are not expected to help. Also many parents activelly try not to leave anything behind for their kids. There is a saying here that goes 'if there is any inheritage left when i die, i must have miscalculated'.

That said, the system does help with any basic needs and healthcare

I'd ask how much your parents helped you.

In America, the way it's supposed to work is that your parents aren't supposed to need your financial support.

When you say “you Americans”, are you referring to Chinese-Americans? Spanish-Americans? Vietnamese-Americans? Haitian-Americans? Mexican-Americans? Irish-Americans? Hmong-Americans? Russian-Americans? African-Americans? Filipino-Americans? Polish-Americans?

Or just Americans?

Since they are under no obligation to help their kids I would say the answer is yes.