NYT : Fanfiction paper of record
NYT : Fanfiction paper of record
They're just publishing literal fanfiction these days, no commentary, no analysis, no reporting, just straight up literal fanfic
By Maureen Dowd
Opinion Columnist, reporting from Washington.
I slipped away from this nightmarish election campaign into a delicious dream the other evening. I dreamed that, when Joe Biden gets up to reset his beleaguered presidency at the State of the Union address, he gives this astonishing speech:
Mr. Speaker. Man, Mike Johnson was a nobody just weeks ago — now he’s Neville Chamberlain. Madam Vice President. Oy.
Our first lady — you hottie! And our second gentleman. Members of Congress, leaders of our military, justices of the Supreme Court. And you, my fellow Americans.
My report is this: The state of my mental competency is strong. And the union’s OK, too.
You think I’m forgetful? Take a look at the other guy — he can’t even remember who Nancy Pelosi is, and that gal is the best speaker in United States history! You know what I remember? I remember how to lift people up, not tear them down and pit them against one another. I remember how to tell the truth when my lips move.
I may be 81, but it’s not about your chronological age. It’s about how old your ideas are. Donald Trump wants to yank us back on women’s rights, the environment, mail-in voting — actually, all voting. He’s undermining NATO, the strongest alliance ever. I’m trying to build a high-speed train from Vegas to L.A., baby!
I remember very well that, three years ago, our economy was reeling. Our administration has created nearly 15 million jobs and helped fund 46,000 infrastructure projects. Unemployment has been under 4 percent, and the inflation rate has gone down.
My boy Hunter made mincemeat out of the House Republicans. His Irish was up, and he told those clowns there was no corruption on my part. I see you down there, Matt Gaetz, you lying, dog-faced pony soldier! When you tried to quiz Hunter about his drug use, he made quick work of you. Pot calling kettle! How could you give Hunter a hard time when you’re under investigation by the House Ethics Committee for sexual misconduct and using illicit drugs? Lots of luck with that, man!
Hunter is my hero. He is trying to stay sober to help me — and keep our democracy from falling off the wagon. My family grifts a little, but what White House doesn’t? The Obamas, but other than that …. The Clintons left with a moving truck of government property. And look at the Trump syndicate, man!
I’m still on top of my game, folks. Here’s the deal: I’ve always had gaffes. That’s my thing. Like back in 2006 when I said, “You cannot go into a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.”
I haven’t been perfect, Lord knows. I’m in a time warp in terms of how I see Israel, and I should have reined in Bibi sooner to stop the Gaza tragedy. I’ve been too slow to fix the border, but you Republicans don’t want it fixed anyway.
Still, I feel I deserve re-election, folks. I don’t think I get enough credit for my achievements. They said bipartisanship was such a 20th-century concept, but I worked across the aisle to help pass the largest infrastructure investment in history and the manufacturing bill bolstering chips and semiconductors.
We are faced with a moment of extraordinary challenge. If we can meet our crises at the border and in Ukraine and Gaza, if we can manage the out-of-control Bibi and the psychotic Putin, we will be a nation of limitless possibility.
I may not have a long future, but America does. Our children and grandchildren do. We do not want to let one man’s checkered past drag down our shining future. We cannot let our country be ripped apart by retribution and vengeance.
I’m proud of the 51 years I’ve spent in this town. I’m honored that millions of people across this country want me to continue to lead them. But I tell you tonight: I will not be a candidate for president this fall.
I don’t want a debate over my age to be an impediment to America’s progress. It’s eclipsing the things that we should be focused on.
After much prayer and deliberation, I have decided that I need to spend my final chapter devoting my full attention to our thorny challenges.
I was serious, folks, when I called myself a bridge to a new generation, a transitional figure. I’ll release my delegates this summer at the Chicago convention to vote for the candidate they feel can carry our banner into the future.
I know our country — and the world — has been through a difficult time. Divisive politics. A withering pandemic. A murderous Putin. But as I leave you tonight, I want you to know that America has faced and navigated every challenge for over 247 years.
Let us join hands. Now is the hour of responsibility. Our character is formed. Our purpose is found. Our future is forged.
It’s never, ever been good to bet against America. God bless you all — even you, Gaetz. And God save the queen, man!
Maureen Dowd has a fucking Pulitzer prize
Yeah, for slut-shaming Monica Lewinsky and protecting Bill Clinton. Not for any amount of decent investigative journalism
The New York Times’ columnists concentrated on her personality, behavior, motives, activities, background, and appearance. Frank Rich, Russell Baker, William Safire, Thomas L. Friedman, Bob Herbert, and Maureen Dowd all made Lewinsky a topic of their columns repeatedly, including at least 18 columns from Dowd. Safire and Dowd, in particular, mocked and disparaged her. Both wrote columns about public encounters with her. On March 9, Safire declared Lewinsky was “no object of pity” because he had met her in a Washington, D.C., bar, and she seemed “just fine” to him. “She was too carefully coiffured, but had a sort of natural, exuberant smile that anybody, even a President, would enjoy seeing around the office,” Safire wrote in his column (Safire, 1998, para. 13). On June 7, Dowd wrote a column that referred to “my cat fight with Monica” in which she described a confrontation with Lewinsky at a D.C. restaurant.
I didn't believe you. I had to go to the homepage and check for myself. An AI had to write this. There's no way any human being can have a Joe Biden Fantasy. I refuse to believe it!!!
This is the same NYT writer who went to colorado when weed was first legalized there, specifically wrote that the dispensary told her not to eat the whole chocolate bar at once, then wrote that she ate the whole chocolate bar at once, and concluded that weed is very bad because she had a bad time when she did what she was specifically instructed not to do.
It's a lib-brain fanfic about what Joe Biden would've said in his state of the union, HBO-show style to own Drumpf. They're so distraught that IRL Biden is losing his mental capacity and getting trounced in the polls.
Yeah my brain was kind of fried after seeing that title and I just skimmed down and the next words I saw were:
Our first lady — you hottie!
and at that point I had to go check.
There's no way any human being can have a Joe Biden Fantasy. I refuse to believe it!!!
this is like an E1 Joe Biden episode, but in real life and it's only one unfunny person
Actually, wait. I'm having a Joe Biden Fantasy right now. That I'm opening the $1200 fantasy stimulus check he still owes us, in this wildest of dreams-come-true. Oh Joe, you hunky, hunky man.
Hunter is my hero. He is trying to stay sober to help me — and keep our democracy from falling off the wagon. My family grifts a little, but what White House doesn’t? The Obamas, but other than that …. The Clintons left with a moving truck of government property. And look at the Trump syndicate, man!
99% grifter vs 100% grifter
The Obamas
As if they didn't grift. I'm sure nothing about that Netflix deal was worked out while he was in office, right?
Libs have to INVENT A BIDEN IN THEIR DREAMS TO GIVE A SPEECH
These are the people telling you "gommulism bad because cult of personality"
"And next I would like you to introduce you all to my new wife, Maureen Dowd, who is even more beautiful and smart and amazing than my wife Jill. We are in a poly marriage now and we fuck daily."
good god lmao what the fuck is maureen on? or rather, was on? because this is the kind of shit that apparently happens to your dreams when you stop smoking copious amounts of weed cold turkey
can't wait for the chapo reading series on this absolute gem
I recently went from smoking copious amounts of weed to quitting and I can't even imagine something this deranged. Mine are usually video game themed.
Our first lady — you hottie!
So even in her dreams he's sexist?
And God save the queen, man!
This has to be a bit
These people live in another world
I stopped reading after, 'you hottie'.
My report is this: The state of my mental competency is strong. And the union’s OK, too.
You think I’m forgetful? Take a look at the other guy — he can’t even remember who Nancy Pelosi is, and that gal is the best speaker in United States history! You know what I remember? I remember how to lift people up, not tear them down and pit them against one another. I remember how to tell the truth when my lips move.
This must have been written by one of us, as a parody.
I honestly think they write shit like this to get a rise out of leftist podcasters on Twitter. Journalists are very online after all.
Desperately gunning for that sweet Chapo reading series
Parks and Recwas a mistake
Holy shit it's real
Holy shit it reads like an extremely amateurish West Wing fanfic
Also is it just me, or are the liberals getting more into trump-like language? This fantasized speech reads a lot like how Trump and his fans will constantly insist that he's definitely super healthy and has a bigly brain. I guess it's an inevitable sharpening contradiction as all they can do is cope as Biden's mental state becomes increasingly more obvious.
The "good speech" sucks ass lmao why would you mention
OR HOW RACIST HE IS!?So is the flipside to "no investigation, no right to speak" that the price to not read a godawful Maureen Dowd column is just abstaining from commenting on the thread about it? Because I could live with that. I wanted to post this comment, though, so I'll scroll up and read it before hitting post.
Post-reading update: I wish I hadn't.
How are American politics more cringe than Indian politics?
It's like an AI wrote this, wtf
Maureen Dowd
Can't NYT et al find some new ghouls for us to dunk on. Why are we still publishing boomers.
Boomers still run this country and I'm sick of it
Listen Jack, I'm Gay
I mean
America
America is back
And America is like a family
And Kamala is your weird aunt you only see at Thanksgiving
And that's why your going to vote for Barakalama when I step down. Because shes family. Thank you and God bless these these united states
The best thing Biden could do is die peacefully in his sleep tonight.
From “Rodham” by Curtis Sittenfeld
[Bill] knocked on the door of my apartment three hours later, and when I opened it, he said, “Hillary,” and then his face contorted grotesquely and he was sobbing. He stepped into my apartment, took me in his arms, and held me tightly. I began sobbing, too. “I’m so sorry,” he said.
“No,” I said, “I’m so sorry.”
He said, “If I don’t have you, I have nothing.”
We hugged and hugged and cried and cried and then we had glorious sex and when I was on top of him, sitting up, and both of us were close but not finished, I said, “I’ll marry you. I want to marry you so badly. I love you so much.”
He smiled in exactly the way I’d anticipated. He said, “Do you really mean it?”
I nodded.
“Oh, Hillary,” he said. “Oh, baby.” He pulled me toward him so that we were even closer, without space between us, as close as we could be.
In the middle of the night, he woke me by tapping my shoulder. It sometimes happened that while I was asleep, he’d rub my breasts or below my navel and at the slightest shifting toward him on my part, or when my breathing became ragged, he’d slide into me. But in those circumstances, we didn’t speak, and on this night, he was saying my name, asking if I was listening. Finally, I said, “Yes. I’m listening.”
“I’ve never, ever forced myself on a woman. Never.”
“Okay.”
“And I never would. But you shouldn’t marry me. You should leave. I’ll drag you down. The thing that’s wrong with me is incurable. Do you hear me?”
My eyes had already filled with tears. “Yes,” I said.“
“In the morning, I’ll try to talk you out of it, but what I’m telling you now is the truth. You know your rule about two reasons? One reason is you won’t have the career you deserve here and the other is that the problems I have will never go away. When I try to convince you to stay, it’s me being selfish. Us staying together is good for me and bad for you.”
“Bill,” I said. “Baby.” But I couldn’t say more, and it wasn’t because I was too sleepy. It was because I was too sad.
I don't think I'll ever have sex again
This book should be reimagined into a remake/reimagining of Stephen King's 11.22.63, but instead of our time traveling main character trying to stop the assassination of JFK, he keeps going back to Yale in 1971 to cockblock Bill
That's just awful writing. Without the context of who its about, and how horrific that makes it, its still just really bad. Libs have no taste
Who's her dealer?
Willie Nelson.
No I'm serious.
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be Dowdboys
My Joe Biden Nightmare
He sniffed me
Boku no Hero Presidentia
Hunter x Hunter (Biden)
why can't I get paid to write about My Joe Biden Fantasy™
Wtf is going on
I swear to God there was similar article in around 2020 election
Blueanon equivalent of the Ben garrison trump cartoons where he’s a beautiful Fabio style man with eight pack abs
A survey among woke women would surely be interesting: which president would they prefer to be abused by in their dreams? Biden or Trump? Voting is completely anonymous.
