Sometimes I think I want a relationship but then the dude starts flirting back and I get scared and back out.

What you’re feeling is totally normal. Dating is stressful and scary and your emotions can feel all over the place at times. If you do want to continue dating I think I might be helpful to set expectations and be open about your feelings with the people you see. Tell them up front that flirting can be stressful or scary for you and that sometimes you’ll need a little space to feel safe again. Some people might not be into that but others might be okay with it especially if you tell them upfront.

You folks date? What an unfamiliar concept.

I've literally been in a conversation and it's going great, we're completely into it; and then I realize holy shit we're totally into it. At which point all kinds of alarm bells go off in my psyche, I get nervous, start to blush, sweat, stutter. Thanks brain. Lol

I do this as a guy. I'm sorry ladies

I tried dating ages ago and dated loads of people but everytime I got there I just wasn't that into and would think "damn i really could be playing bloodborne rn". I then discovered I had no interest in dating randos and wanted someone I actually cared about to appear which oddly enough happened about a month after I decided to stop with dating.

For me I can only date someone I already know very well. This does infact demolish my dating pool but once I realised this I was much happier and played more Bloodborne.

Idk if this helps at all but all i can do is share my experience maybe yours may line up?

I've also found I can flirt easily with people I'm not interested in but the second someone i think is hot flirts i shut down mentally and cease being able to speak then run away.

first off, obviously those guys suck so bullet dodged. flirting is fun on its own, if people get legit mad at you for flirting and not going any further that tells you all you need to know about them.

second, idk comrade, it might be a good idea to talk to like a therapist or whatever and see if they can help you isolate whether you want to date or under what conditions you'd be interested in it. sounds like a task for somebody who studies people to me

I don't know why I have such a harder time flirting with men than I do with women or enbies. Like, whyyyyyy

Hey comrade, I have been on the other side of something analogous; an ex did this to me. Don't want to go into detail but in short: it can be merely kinda annoying and confusing when someone you flirt with does it, but it's downright devastating when you've been dating someone for months and then all of a sudden they say they love you and then disappear because "love" is a scary thing and they're afraid to love someone. I was pissed at her; even though I understood she was probably just dealing with some serious trauma she also really hurt and violated me.

Best advice I can give you is: If you are exhibiting this behavioral pattern, please don't date until you get your shit sorted out because you're going to hurt someone. It's dangerous to others, and it may even be dangerous to you, because it's pretty natural for people to end up hating someone who hurts them badly. I seriously wish that ex had known she did this and hadn't dated me, and even though I know she was coming from a place of deep trauma I absolutely hold a grudge for what she put me through. It sounds like you're giving mixed messages before even getting together instead of months down the line so it's not quite the same, but the pattern is there -- you're just doing a milder form of it.

I'm not going to tell you to get therapy because a lot of therapists are actively harmful capitalist liberals, but it's good you're asking these questions and trying to figure it out. Have you been in abusive relationships before which may make it scary to get close to someone?

I used to do this. I obsessed over people who were uninterested in me and mistreated people who clearly WERE interested in me. It’s death drive. Everything is death drive. Unconsciously we want to fail. One of these I really regret because she was cool, nice, fun, and hot, but my friends made fun of the idea of us being together (this was in high school, she was kind of nerdy, she worked backstage while my friends and I were actors (I know)) so I chickened out and stopped talking with her. I wish I could apologize to her now although probably she would rightfully tell me to go fuck myself. This was twenty years ago.

It took me a long time to kind of figure out both myself and the people around me, and the journey never really ends, but eventually you’ll find someone you’re crazy about and then this behavior of yours will be a thing of the past.

uhhh what's flirting?

I would suggest you respect your feelings and focus on having good friendship experiences, building up emotional comfort and security to overflowing - you'll need enough to spare if you're to establish a relationship with a human being who will have their own ups and downs anyway, and it is of course a good gift to give yourself if you decide the dating pool can wait.

Dunno. I think it's normal that guys need to be very chill with their partner until they're actually in a relationship. I'll usually try to be super polite to a woman until things are already pretty physical. I don't think you're strange for being fearful of men, it seems like a normal thing. Although maybe I'm pretty conservative in regards to relationships.

It can be hard

Personally, I always had problems telling when someone was interested so I never picked up on signals only to realize much later what they were putting down

So yeah, I was George from that one episode of Seinfeld but for about... 6 years?

Lucky me, my current partner was very forward with her intent

Yeah I dunno. It’s been a while since I’ve dated anyone. I find dating now of days to just be confusing and I’m terrible at it.

I tried dating the way most people do but it really doesn't work for me. I've only ever been in relationships with people that have been friends before and trying to make a romantic connection with strangers feels like skipping over several steps. I think unless you just want to hook up, building a foundation of friendship without the expectation of anything else is the way to go. Then you'll at least have friends if the spark never comes. I met someone at an event a few months ago and we flirted super heavily at first but dialed it back and we're just hanging out and getting to know each other right now. Who knows if we'll end up dating but I'd rather have a new friend than a one night stand.

For me, I can't relax enough to be vulnerable around someone unless we already know each other pretty well and I feel safe and comfortable around them. Maybe it would work out better if you gave yourself more time. Try being up front about boundaries and expectations once it gets to the point where you're nervous. Something like, "I like you but I really don't want to rush this. Let's take it slow and work on getting to know each other." If the dude loses interest at this point, you dodged a bullet.

Maybe it's partially because a lot of guys have expectations... Or at least we assume they do, for our own safety. 😕

I would just advise against it until you're sure you're ready. At least Ime working towards a relationship when I wasn't fully ready never worked out well for either party.

I mean you know you, I'm just some guy crapping my pants on the internet

maybe just give up the idea of "dating" and someone awesome will come along.

Do you have a sense of what the fear is based on? What goes through your mind at those times?