Let's play this game again

I'm gonna choose the side effect and you choose the power:
"I ___, but only when I'm hard."

am the world's greatest kindergarten teacher
Can revive the dead
- "I'm gonna explain everything later, just don't interfere."
save kittens from trees
- That sounds nice. The newspapers will call me a hard hero.
Can reproduce
- Makes sense
You can give moving public speeches
become immensely popular as a male role model
You can captivate the attention of any child. You're a comedian or magician that would absolutely kill it at any children's birthday party. You would be a fantastic teacher as you can hold the wrapped attention of even the most tiktok-corrupted teen.
Except, there's just one small problem...
- I'm Mr beast?
- They could make a killing off making videos on YouTube or something like Khan Academy. Just never show him from below the waist.....
Pee.
Your super power is that you can transform into an afab woman, once.

Shapeshifting

It hurts extremely because your whole body is physically altered.
- Worth it.
- There’s a whole fetish community that’s SOOOOO into this idea
  RIP Scoot D:
You shift by magically turning yourself inside out ass first
- Disgusting and likely painful, would have to be done somewhere private
- From beneath you, it devours
Your brain shape shifts as well into an exact copy of the animal you mimic. You have the intelligence of the creature you turn into. Which means a one way trip as any coherent logical human thoughts is driven out by animal instincts.
- If I shapeshift into another human, I’d just have their memories. Id have to shapeshift somewhere calm, and leave myself notes
Your clothes are not transformed with you
- Still works. I just gotta shapeshift into someone about my height
Your weight also change, but the difference is converted to energy using mass–energy equivalence formula.
- Grow slowly -> walking air cooler
  Shink rapidly -> Boom
- So I just need to keep my weight constant
But comes with body dysmorphic disorder. You’ll never be satisfied with how you look.
- Not until you finally get it right, and at that point you look like a total freak to everyone else. But at least you're satisfied.
Granted, but you can never turn back
- access to all animal shapes, but can only use them once, stuck in final form forever.
You can only shapeshift into smaller versions of yourself.
- That’s not really a side effect, more of a condition.
You can only shift into a species that you've seen before. Can only shape shift into living things (not sentient and mobile inanimate objects)
And you can never return to any species you were previously. It has to be a new one every time until you exhaust the possible species. Leaving you stuck as the last possible species you pick to shape shift into.
- Wait, but can I shapeshift within a given species?
you shapeshift, but your state and society will periodically and randomly remind you, that they know, what shape you had earlier ... wait, that does already exist. still superpower tho!
You can't actually become anything unique, the body approximately closest to your imagination becomes yours. They also, become you in turn. You immediately become a world wide sensation if used frequently.
- That’s not shapeshifting, that’s body swapping
Your telomeres become damaged every time you use the ability
You forget what you like if you are changed for too long and don't have a detailed enough reference
- A matter of keeping some hair in a jar as well as a photograph of mine
You can also become invisible

Ability to make cheese at will.

- I would get the biggest fattest breast implants possible and be a stripper with a built-in cheese dispenser.
- I see no flaws in this plan
- This is a superpower thst could be in the orgy scene in The Boys, rofl.
You are also able to end all wars
- And are reminded of this with every cheese you create.
It's Cheez-Whiz
- Alas I must make my living in Philly in the cheesesteak mines.
It lags out reality because every time you make cheese, it spawns a dozen above you, and reality just never expected this to happen. Also it's always comically large Raclette
You're lactose intolerant
It's all kraft singles
You now lactate and secrete rennet. Making it possible for you to harvest the ingredients and make cheese at will.
As word of your power spreads across the world, you become a god to cows by providing means to an end to the rape and exslavement of their species.
The combined belief of billions of cows grants you accesss to the physical and mental powers of cows. If you work to free them, you will become more powerful. And if you don't, you will be cursed to live out the rest of your days in an abattoir, where the hopes and dreams of cows go to die.
Either way, the dairy lobbies aren't happy and assassins are after you.
Severe lactose intolerance.

Teleportation

Every time you do it, you land on a poop
- Just gotta carry disinfectant wipes and stuff I guess. I'd take this deal
- And not like a little dog scat either. We're talking the entire football team ate some bad vichysoise and it hit them during practice and that pile is where you land. Every godsdamn time. You're starting to wonder if it's the same pile.
You can only teleport your body. Meaning you will always arrive naked.
- I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle
- You should watch The Boys, if you haven't already.
- Are prostheses and implants considered part of your body for purposes of teleport?
Granted, but your momentum is teleported with you. The earth is hurtling through space at over 100,000 km and you are on its -spinning- surface subjected to multiple momentum influences constantly.
Keep it to short distances and you might be ok, but with distance comes chaos.
- This was fantastically embedded in the Jumper books.
- Don't you Just have to Teleport rapidly Forward in short disxtances then to mitigate that risk? Would probably also bei safer since you could See where to Teleport to.
- Lmao not how it works. Things are only moving in relation to other things, if you're affixed to the earth then almost any other point on earth relative to you is not moving.
  If you teleport in refence to some other celestial body that sounds kind of dumb and also possibly a skill issue.
Your accuracy is +/- 3 light years.
- If your already on your deathbed, it would be a painful way to die, but you'd at least get an amazing view for a few seconds.
You have to have been there first within 24hrs to teleport there
- This can actually still be convenient if you need to be physically at work 5 days a week. No more commuting and waking up early in the morning except on Mondays. If you want to skip Monday traffic, take a quick drive on Sunday to your office so you meet the 24 hour criteria.
The Fly - 1986
You can't control the destination.
The event alone causes an explosion, killing anything 50 meters to you, damaging anything 100 meters from you, temporarily disabled any electrical thing two kilometres from you, but you won't be affected by any of this.
"The Stars My Destination" by Alfred Bester. Considered one of the all time best science fiction novels. Everyone can teleport just by thinking about it.
Anywhere you haven't been is an imaginary place
You can materialize matter out of thin air.

Super strength

You fart continuously while using it.
- Probably the most realistic of the side effects
There's an episode of Justice League where Superman goes at it with Darkseid. Supes says that he always has to be careful and that the whole world is like cardboard to him, so this is the first time he can really let go.
So, you can't pick up a coffee cup or touch anyone without worrying about destroying something.
Also, you aren't invulnerable so if you punch a wall you'll still break your hands.
- Also, you aren't invulnerable so if you punch a wall you'll still break your hands.
  This is an interesting side effect.
  Every time they sneeze they break multiple bones.
  If you push too hard during pooping you'll blow out your ass and/or cause internal organ damage.
  Chewing could easily crush your teeth and break your jaw
  If a guy, don't even think about masturbation. If you do manage it with the use of a device independent of your super strength, the ejaculation would still shoot out of you like a rail gun, destroying anything in its path and blowing out your penis.
  The list can go on and on. That power is a fucking nightmare.
The minimum force you can output is now around 500 Newtons
It's extremely difficult to control - even grazing an object the wrong way with your finger can end up breaking it into pieces. Giving someone a hug can easily end with you covered in blood from the person you just split in two.
- Going to the toilet propells the shit straight through the toilet.
Your muscles don't gain super durability however.

Mind reading

It turns out nobody really thinks often enough for you to get any information
- Twist: everyone is P-zombies but you! The Solipsists were right!
When you read someone's mind you involuntarily blurt out everything you read.
- I think that's a syndrome
- Crowded subway station = fun times!
You're extra sensitive to reading the minds of non-human animals and can't turn it off. All the time. Forever.
You can't turn it off or filter out any thoughts and are lost in a cacophony of thoughts bombarding you every second from evey living thing. Even isolation isnt a relief as the animals and insects asail you with their primitive instinctual thoughts.
- Came looking for copper but found gold. Great write-up.
- Antarctica here I come!
All thoughts are formatted in .docx
- All thoughts are deposited on a random storage medium and format. So you might receive a 3.5" cassette formatted with ZFS or a flashdrive that must be read by laser refraction (like a DVD)
Whenever you do it, the fact you're reading someone's mind is announced loudly in their mind and in the minds of anyone nearby.
It works, but there is nothing to read. Enjoy your solipsism!
In exchange, all of your thoughts are broadcasted onto an account on every social media, no matter how small, with your name attached to it.
Everyone secretly despises you.
Always. You can never not be reading the minds of everyone around you.

Have my nose grow every time I lie

but it's flaccid
- squidward
Your nose hair grows proportionally, but when the nose shrinks again the nose hair stays as is
It's a new separate nose in a random place on your body.

The ability to get my DnD group to have a sensible, routine schedule, with no cancelations.

They are always completely distracted and on their phones the whole time.

Your DnD groups are all incredibly hot and sexually uninhibited, but none of them will date you because they can always get great sex, whereas you are the best at being a DM. They also steal any one you want to date because they want you do do nothing but be there for them.

You DM becomes your literal dungeon master. You're literally chained naked in a basement, forced to play endless games of DND.

This irritates your intestines terribly every time you use it, causing you to be the one to have to cancel every time tho, or play the session in agonizing pain and very frequent bathroom trips

Everyone wants to play in your games
Even for a post like this that’s just unrealistic.
But, everyone shows up but their fingers are constantly covered in a thick layer of Cheeto dust.
Their friends and family become trapped in stasis until they complete a campaign, they know you are to blame. You die when the campaign ends.

But they want to change their character every time.

Flying

Extreme fear of heights
- Stealth low flight mode activated!
- '... I... I just prefer to 'hover', ok?'
- Hovering would still be nice
- "Hey, whats that up in the air?"
  "It's a bird."
  "No, it's a plane!"
  "Wait... Is that...?"
  "AAAAAAAUUUGGGHAAAAAAHH"
  "It's Banshee Man!"
Achieved like bats fly. Your arms and fingers have been transformed into wings.
You are now the sexiest thing alive to birds, so they will constantly hit on you.
you lose all leg strength
You can't walk
- Depending on how controlled the flight is, you could just flight 5mm off the ground and just look like you're walking normally.
- That sounds perfectly fine though
Only at the speed of walking.
Flying has its own built-in side effects.
Every time you take off, there's a pretty good chance that people nearby will notice. The government will want to study someone who has the ability to fly, so they'll start surveiling the area. Within a short time they'll figure out who you are, and you'll be captured and eventually dissected.
And, that's assuming your flight superpower comes with the ability to breathe at high altitudes, the ability to resist the cold you'd be exposed to by flying, the ability to see while flying without having your eyes dry out, etc.
You’re now a city pigeon.
You get struck by lightning
You can't do it unless you're wearing revealing bondage gear and a ball gag. Your kinks become the story instead of your superpower.

Neural typical ignoramus is what I choose. I'd like to be able to ignore what's happening in my country and be happy like a bunch of these dumbassss

The ability to change the probability of events happening

You can only make things worse
- Dang 😅 Who gets to decide whether I'm making something worse though?
You need to amass one kilogram of your own feces in a ceremonial bag for the power to take effect.
- Name checks out, thank you Spiderman :3
Applies only to non terrestrial events
- Chance of an advanced race of friendly aliens settling on Mars: 0.0000000000000N% => 100%
The probability of gaining or losing a genetic trait in your body also changes based on the probability change you make
You go forward in time to a point where the changes no longer matter.
You can only make small changes, and it doesn't always work. So, you don't actually know if you have the power or if something slightly improbable happened.

With the snap of my fingers I can instantly cause the death of authoritarian dictators.

Bullet poops

the bullets fire whether your sphincter is open or not
Every time you sneeze you ruin a perfectly good pair of pants/underwear.
You can also solve world hunger
Nutsack strays
You're full of gunpowder

Controlling time to undo mistakes i have done in the past

Speed up or slow down time at will

Side effect: but, every time you do, it causes you to have an eight-hour-long, extremely intense psychedelic experience.
- how come this guy gets to have two superpowers?
But special relativity still applies. So you can only do this by traveling at nearly the speed of light away from or towards your target. Travelling this fast is a separate power with separate side effects, and you don't have it.
- Read 'The Forever War" by Joe Haldeman. Wormhole / time dilation causes the troops to experience time differnetly from the folks back on Earth. every time they return from a mission, decades or even centuries have passed.
The humble shroom trip:
You are also affected.
- This is the only side effect on this comment that doesn't try to invalidate the power.
It affects your aging by 1,042x as much as the speed used. Careful, or you'll either become dust or Benjamin Button yourself.
Requires large amounts of reaction mass and plenty of space.
You can't actually change time, just your perception of time. Your muscles don't move any faster. If someone is throwing a punch at you and you slow down time, you can appreciate the fist moving at your face for an hour of your slowed-down time, but you still can't dodge the punch. If you speed up time, you still need to eat, sleep, and perform other bodily functions. So, instead of getting hungry every few hours, you get hungry in what feels like seconds. And, since you don't have super-speed, you need to slow time back down again so you can eat.
It might still be a power worth having, but it's not as awesome as it might seem at first.
- It would be great for raw reaction time, granted you'd still have to wait for your body to catch up.

I can upvote or downvote as many times as I want

The ability to choose side effects to other people’s super powers

You get hit with the same side effect
- Okay, yeah, but then all you have to do is give everyone beneficial side effects.

infinite money

I want to be just slightly above average in everything I do without needing training, but I can only achieve that level of slightly above average at whatever I do.

Every single (non-human) animal is friendly to me.

being happy

I don't need superpowers, just let me not be depressed while retaining a functioning cock/not feeling numb to the world.

Alright, fun's over, let the monkey's paw curl.

Be able to transform into animals

The power to negate side effects of any kind. :]

The ability to turn lead into gold just by touching it and saying a short incantation.

Ohh! this *is *a nice game!

Ok, my superpower is ... Autism!

Edit: The answers were even better than i expected! Thank you all :D

The power of the brown-touch: The about to make people shit themselves by touching them

It works on yourself as well
You can't control the effect when you touch a non-human animal.
- BUT THEN I CAN'T PET THAT DOG
It works everytime you touch someone you admire or love.

Will to live

Liquid metal shape shifting like an organic terminator or metal clayface

When I’m completely naked I’m invisible.

Not having to sleep. You can just be awake 24/7 without the usual cognitive decline or feelings of being tired.

When a lemmy user responds to me with a side effect, I can, by choice, reflect or absorb said side effect

Complete and total control over my own body down to the molecular level.

It doesn't turn off, you have to manually burn oxygen molecules with every cell constantly to live
- The ultimate multi-task. I assume that I'd have to manage cell division too. Wild to think about how little we are actually in charge of within ourselves.
You get burnt out by having to manage everything
- If I can control my body at the molecular level, then I can control the chemical reactions in charge of emotions and fatigue. Depression, stress, burnout? Just turn that shit off.
On a whim you decide to max out your pleasure, but don't set a time limit. You lose all higher cognitive functions as you're flooded with bliss.
With no way back, you slowly starve to death, loving every moment of it.
- Literally, the best way to go. Now I really want that power.
You can't stop ejaculating
It causes an unbearable stench around you. No one will come closer than fifty meters without a total haz-mat suit with scuba.

you lose control of your own when using the power.
Cause a shit, take a shit.
- They said control. They didn't say they'd use it to directly cause people to shit. As written, they could control their GI such that the direction is reversed.
  They could cause people to throw up feces.
  Cause a reverse shit, take a shit.
You can't control your own

I can now shoot fresh spaghetti from my fingertips. Each fingertip shoots a continuous spaghetti noodle at an alarming rate with a range of about 4 feet. My thumbs will shoot a delicious meat sauce at a comparable rate and range.

Invisibility

impeccable social skills

Teleportation.

Instant teleportation

Ability to become any fictional character with all their skills and powers while retaining my identity.

Every time I brush my teeth, they glow in the dark for the next 24 hours

Superpower - Simon the likeable. I come across to everyone as so calming, disarming, friendly and persuasive that I can convince anyone to do anything just by talking to them.

I am now able to speak to all animals, and understand them all

All of them will be very rude to you
They all have the intelligence of a 3 year old and can't form coherent sentences
They're all completely horrible and you can't block them out.
I think the side effect is the power itself. Animals only care about food, sex. Most boring super power on the list. Maybe cool to talk with dolphins.
You become blind and lose your sense of taste.
Every animal has super-covid and no vaccine can be made, so the government kills every animal

I can shit at will

Happiness

Necromancy with revived person having all memories and intellect, but me having final say

Every person you revive is gender bent to the opposite sex :3
- Kar(o)lina Marx!?
- just gonna die and be revived real quick, brb...
- Imagine how many suicides by trans people can be caused by this
- Andrea the Giant sounds like a win to me.
Whomever you revive has all the capabilities their physical body can manage, but they never stopped decomposing after death and they are still decomposing. You could revive a skeleton, but they wouldn't do anything given that they have no flesh or brain, so it would just lay there being calcium. The injuries that killed them would still be present and they'd be in pain from the injury and decomposition, so there's that. Better hope they weren't embalmed.
You'll get kink for necks
You become septic every time you do this
You know that you are going to hell.

Just gimme photographic memory.

I GET IMMORTALITY!

ability to make people say/do what you want them to

Shoot butts out my laser

I am ironman

The ability to find any file I please from anywhere I choose no matter how confidential or copyrighted it is. (It's... for a Club Penguin archival project, yeah)

The ability to the cat

i can delete one square meter wnywhere in the world and it just deletes the matter that was there

Can create perfectly round and transparent ice cubes out of thin air.

The COD Zombies perk "Death Perception", but instead, I can see the outline of living beings through objects.

At night it only sees dicks
You can see all the spiders in your walls. Bacteria and all kinds of living things coat every surface you look at and fill your intestines.
I'm not sure that a side effect would be worse than the super power.
You can see through earth itself, covering your entire vision with said outlines, unable to see any object in front of you unless it is a living being

The outcome I most want, when random chance is involved, will always occur if I first say the words "hoodoo moogoo"

Super speed of course!!

Complete control over time. I can stop, start, speed up, slow down, skip forward, skip back, and rewind.

You are not immune to your powers- when time stops, so do you
- Which makes sense as air being stopped would make moving around impossible.
You have to run as if you were a shark to even breathe
It messes with your memory severely and the more you use the power the more severe a temporally caused form of schizophrenia you develop becomes as well.
You can't move from one spot.

Dibs on the Mongol Empire circa 1279

Real life Ctrl+Z

I can pause time in order to write as much code as I want without interruption.

Shapeshifting (also, yes)

Your morphing options only include a small child, an ant or a giant pink dildo.
- How much fun would it be though to be able to sneak into places as an ant to then transform into a giant pink dildo or random child, for just a few seconds at just the right time to cause maximum impact, and then transform back into an ant for a clean get away.
  Politics would be forever changed if I had this power.
You shapeshift into the exact mental image you keep in your mind at any given moment
You gain the personality of whoever you shape shift into.
Your telomeres become 2x shorter everytime you use the ability

The ability to enter and bring objects/people into a space where time flows while it stops in the outside world. For a surface level example, you have a table in front of you and you could just by touching the table for example teleport to this place and proceed to play minecraft for an hour and then teleport back to the real world and continue from the same point. You could also store stuff there.

Mind reading

you find out that your childhood anxiety that no one actually likes you was spot on
You can't control whose mind to read and must read the mind of every person you're around all of the time. You become overwhelmed with all the mind reading.
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Whatever the guy below me said

My superpower is pain

The ability to control all matter at the subatomic level.

I can instantly convert roads into corresponding rail transit lines. Highways to heavy rail, city arterials to light rail, sub arterials to grams, and interstates to high speed rail, etc.

I cant decide between Trans Magic and the power to be able to infinitely summon a device at no cost any time that will answer correctly and precisely any question i ask it for no price, it knowing what i mean and wanting to help me. Summoning it will erase the previous device, keeping the memory of the information obtained from it

I can create any liquid and control his Temperature

I can shapeshift.

The entire superman set, minus kryptonite

I gets 1 trillion USD worth of gold bricks, clear of all legal requirements.

Your butthole is now sealed shut

Idk friends, I'm tired. Person who replies, please give me something cool.

I can play the kazoo really well, like Hendrix level kazoo playing.

I have wolverine level regeneration.

The power to become the animal I last ate.

The USA.

You have a two-party political system and must respect the results of your elections.
- Only one party does that lol

I always succeed at anything I attempt

The ability to inflict my suicidal depression, sans the medication or benefits of years of therapy, into the minds of anyone I hate.

Ability to teleport any words I want into the mind of someone who is broadcasting or streaming anything over internet or radio or tv, that I currently watch or listen, as long as the broadcast is going on. For them it would be like hearing me as if I was in the same room. They won't know anything about me other than realize I'm one of their listeners or viewers. It works only for one person at a time - the streamer/broadcaster or one of them. They can choose to tell other listeners what they heard, or not.

Telekinesis

This sucks because all of the responses are negative.

The ability to focus on stuff i am supposed to do

Unfortunately I am already perfection, and unfortunately the side effect is living amongst the humans and seeing them for what they are, unable to help them in meaningful ways.