Anon wipes his ass

Protip: You wipe after you completely finish shitting, not the entire time you're shitting.
- I get all my wipes out at the beginning of the month, that way I don't have to waste time later on
  
  Smart
- Thanks for the shitty tip!
  
  A shitty tip is when your partner didn't wipe before anal
- Basic maintenance. Trim your asshole and put some lotion up there.
  Spread your cheeks when you shit and if its bad really get up in there the first couple swipes. Also eat more fiber
- Speak for yourself. Some of us can poop in parallel.

- I love how Aubrey breaks before Chris says anything past his first line
  
  It's that delay, he held the next line back. Such great comedic timing!
- Parks and Rec is such a great show.

Bidet.
- I gave up on reddit years ago but whenever someone posts about bidets it reminds me of my favorite reddit exchange
  Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”
  Eventually a reply came from a confused esl person asking me if I had a constipation problem because they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
  I think about that exchange more often than I should
  
  I mean a bidet would help with tight shit as well.
  
  they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
  ¡Duce's Loose!
  <wavesPinkyAndThumbInTheShaka>
  
  Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”
  Apparently they didn't know shit.
- Joe Bidet?
  
  John Bidet, inventor of the bidet.
- gang 🤞
- My house has four bathrooms and three bidets. My teenage son just won't get on board with having a clean ass.
  
  Maybe he has a sensitive ass.

Anon needs to eat more fiber
- Funny how there's always a completely moot discussion about wiping techniques or bidets when the real issue with people having to wipe 20 times is almost always diet.
  If you think that's bullshit go ahead and buy a small (for testing) pack of psyllium husk, consume two table spoons a day (in water or on top of a meal) and witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.
  
  witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.
  <afterChipotlewayComercial>
  ¡Not everybody's got a Golden Asshole, Kyle!
  
  Psyllium Husk tastes like dirt, try Inulin instead. It's basically tasteless and does the exact same thing.
- and probably a shave
- Honestly, being constipated has always been good for not having a messy ass. It’s being regular or having diarrhea that is messy.
  
  Eh I find truly regular isnt that messy. Its the liquid or liquids mixed with gas that get messy. True regular just slides out, sometimes so easily there isn't even anything visible on a sheet after the first wipe.

Eventually there is blood but no shit.
Better red than bidet!
- It’s the only way I can finger myself without it being gay
- If "red" rhymes with "bidet" you're highly American

Obligatory bidet comment. You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet. All shits become the same with a bidet, whether a short sticky stoagie or a hot wet mess of diarrhea. Imagine trying to clean a mud snowman off your driveway with a pressure washer. It can do anything.
- You are a master of imagery.
- You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet.
  I lol’d
- I'm not gonna pressure wash my tush, that's a terrible metaphor! Too much power!
  
  Tl;dr: too much pressure can result in an unwelcome "deep clean", not recommended as a surprise.
  You really have to limit the pressure to the bidet. We ultimately installed a little in-line valve but raw dogged it initially. I thought I'd be fine. "It has a dial," I thought to myself, "I just won't crank it up all the way." I'm an idiot.
  The next time I was really sick was when it happened. I was little kid sick, the kind of sick where you're feverish, nauseated, and delirious, barely able to function, yet still have to drag yourself through the house and half-assedly slap your arms at things until they work, just to fulfill basic functions like drinking water and using the toilet. A toilet with a bidet.
  I had just finished power blasting the porcelain for the umpteenth time and I wanted nothing more than to wash it away and ooze back into bed. I gathered all my willpower to swing an unwilling appendage over and twist the knob, but I twisted much too far and my aim... my aim was perfect. Bullseye.
  In martial arts, they teach you not just to strike your target, but to strike through your target. The bidet didn't just blast my anus, it blasted through my anus. If we were at the fair, my bidet would have popped the balloon and taken home the big bear. My wife claims she heard me cry out a high-pitched "eeeep!", but I don't remember it. I just remember shock and confusion as I pawed at the bidet knob. The bidet had slammed its way straight to home plate and beyond, on to the "fifth base" of legend.
  I ordered a valve online that day and installed it as soon as I was able. Never again, not without intent, preparation, and a safe word.

FFS get some technique. You use 3 squares folded over and do a pinch. You then use 2 squares folded for a second pinch. The last is two squares folded for a wipe, then folded again for the last clean up wipe. Yes, bidet is better but you're gonna have to poo in a public restroom at some point. This isn't rocket surgery, people. Get it together
- Bidet is the obvious way to do it right. Japanese toilet second, but if you can-t go at home, at least use moist TP towelettes, and don-t flush them! Throw them in the waste bin!
- Fwiw, there are portable "bidets"
  They aren't exactly a proper bidet, they're just bottles with a nozzle. Some of them you can't even carry the water in it, you have to be able to access water where you're going (so, not great for camping usually, or portajohns).
  But they do a decent job for the most part. Enough to at least reduce how much wiping is needed.
  
  First vacation I went on after having a bidet for a couple years, I was miserable. My asshole had apparently lost its callouses and it bled and felt downright on fire for the second half of the trip. Now I never travel without my portable bidet. It does an impressively good job!
  
  Culo clean is a lid you put on a normal plastic bottle, great for traveling.
- Now, THIS is min-maxing!
- Yeah, this is simply a skill issue.
- Our public bathrooms often have bidet showers.
  Like every bathroom will have at least one stall with one. Newer gas stations will have one in each.
  This isn't rocket surgery, people
  Idk man I'm a bit hungover and I didn't even try to mentally follow your arsewipe-origami.

eating fiber helps
- Psyllium husks are the best!

Why would I stop wiping? There's still blood back there!

I wipe homeopathically.
0.5 mm² gently applied at the top of my crack for a nice even dispersal.
- 0.5 mm²of what? 0.5 MM² OF WHAT??
  
  Well, in homeopathy, like cures like, so probably more shit.
  
  Hot sauce?
- I wipe homo pathetically, I'll leave the details to your imagination.
  
  You wipe up to the fourth knuckle?

Bidet is the way, for sure. Butt if you don't have access to that, and you are unfortunately enough to have a messy shit, I suggest spitting on the toilet paper (and give it an extra fold so that it doesn't tear).
- Hawk tuah
- A one night stand told me she does this after admiring my bidet. I found it very animalistic. Haven't tried this method, but now that you've reminded me I'll give it a go the next time I'm forced to use a public restroom.
- Most bathrooms have sinks, you can just wet some toilet paper if there's no bidet.
  
  Sure, I'll just wave hi to the folks at the urinals as I waddle over to the sink with my shit caked ass.

I wonder if OP forgot to fold the TP or use a new clean bunch and is just wiping their ass over and over with their own shit.
- After the fourth wipe it starts falling apart.

Obviously, a bidet is the best way to have a clean butt, but baby wipes are a good compromise when in public bathrooms, they clean much better than dry toilet paper. Or wash on the side of the bathtub.
- Don't flush them no matter what the packaging says, though.
  
  How fucking strong is your toilet that you could flush an entire bidet down it?

Y'all need jesus and fibre.
- I suspect is might be too much fibre in this case .

Use a bidet, I find whenever I have a burning, the bidet does it.
The blood is likely from a popped hemroid
- Moving to Finland was the best thing for my my butt. So clean.

There seems to always be a thread about poop on 4chan
- 4chan has always been filled with shitposters.
  
  I believe you mean scatologists
  
  And scat fetishists
- It's the most intellectual activity they engage in.

So until they read about it on the internet they were leaving their butthole covered with shit all day?

Anon never got a new piece of TP after the first wipe...
Just painting that starfish brown with lavish strokes

Bidets... You don't have bidets?
- Nah he didn't even run for reelection

Bro, you're supposed to use a NEW piece to wipe each time

Eat more fiber.
- This is much better advice than the bidet, though it's not a bad purchase certainly. Buying a bidet is just treating the symptoms, not solving the problem.

Fiber. Truly, up your fiber intake. The only time it won't stain and linger is when it gathers in on itself.

Since nobody else has talked about it, blood in stool is most commonly caused by hemorrhoids which can be caused by wiping too hard but much more likey it's due to spending too many hours sitting on hard or rough surfaces each day, and you could even have a natural disposition for hemorrhoids caused by enlarged veins and the way blood circulates throughout your legs. It can also be contributed to by leakage from irritated bowels, as well as in people who eat large meals just before sleeping.
Generally professional care isn't required to resolve the issue, instead you can try spending less time sitting down, avoid bloodthinners, wash the area occasionally with cool or cold water, or sitting on an ice pack and rotating out with a hot pack. Many people have suggested dietary changes, such as eat a fucking salad for once in your life.
If it persists for longer than two or three weeks, seek professional care as it could require light surgery.
- anon means that he wiped so frequently that the skin of his butthole wore away (and the paper still came back shitty)
- If a man has frequent anal fissures or hemorrhoids, it may very well be the Salads causing it.
  For some reason, some men of European descent lose the ability to digest raw vegetables completely.
  
  What, really?
  Any source on that. I'm gonna go looking myself but you might know better so I'm leaving this comment.
  
  News to me.

Wet the paper using the sink
- Spit on that thang.
  
  Hawk tua
- Why? The toilet is literally right there.
  
  The bowl water warms up as you use it. Warm.

Why use toilet paper when bidet shower exists?
- Yes. You just use this to blast water into your colon until it's sparkling clean inside. I love it.
  
  It's normally just for the outside, but I like how you think...
  
  Well if you're shoving the show head past your anus and rectum into your colon, I think you might have been misinformed on the proper use of bidet showers.
  I just wash the outside. Seems much easier and more efficient in terms of hygiene.

Real ones use bidet or a watering can first then wipe to simply dry. Much cleaner.
- A watering can? Like, for plants?
  
  Yes, I did some searching and I suppose something like a "lota" would be more accurate. But a watering can with 1 hole rather than many

You need to shit some more. There is still ink in the pen.

Everyone has a 3% chance at colon cancer and fibre supplements are a good way to reduce your chances
- But then everyone doesn't have a 3% chance 🤔 /s
  
  No no, if your chances go down, someone else's goes up. Sucks, but you gotta watch out for number one.

Bro, wash your ass. You don't even need to get that fucking deep, just buy a shower scrubber.
- Please don't use a scrubber against your asshole. A washcloth you throw in the laundry after, or just your hands with lots of soap before and after is fine. You're not going to awake any forbidden desires, you're just making sure your body is clean.
  
  You're not going to awake any forbidden desires, you're just making sure your body is clean.
  Never say never, anal massage isn't wholly unpleasant.

Always remember to follow the two knuckle rule.
- Two knuckles deep or what?
  
  It can be either two knuckles on the same finger or one knuckle from two fingers.

Just shit in the shower and waffle stomp!
- Waffle stomp of power!!

Honestly ask your doctor If you have hemroids, it's common and can bei treated

- Looks expensive and wasteful.
  
  Expensive, yeah; wasteful, no. It might even save toilet paper for people like OOP since it requires less wiping.
- or have a bidet
  
  I wish people would stop recommending this all the time. No everyone can renovate their bathrooms, in most people are not in a position to renovate their bathrooms because they don't own the properties.
  
  Yes, that's ideal

- Unfortunately flushable wipes are not flushable. If you actually read on the packaging what they mean by flushable they just mean that they are saying it won't clog your specific pipes.
  however will not properly break down in the sewer and absolutely do still cause giant clogs that sewer workers have to manually tear apart. Which I mean makes sense just think about it a wet wipe literally has to be wet from the moment it's created and packaged while it sits in the store and after it gets to you and still be usable. It obviously doesn't break down in water or else it would just be debris by the time you opened it.
  Save yourself some money and see where workers some stress get a bidet you can get really really nice super fancy ones that have heated seating heated water and a bunch of different stuff from Home Depot for like $300 or you can get one of the really cheap here is essentially just a spray head connected to water
- 'flushable' wipes aren't flushable bro
- Fair enough. Just be sure that the wipes really are "flushable". I mean, you can flush basically anything - but most things are bad for your plumbing and for the wider sewage system. My understanding is that if the wipe doesn't break apart easily when it is wet, then it is not suitable for flushing.
  In Australia, I noticed a heap of different 'flushable' wipe products vanished after new regulations were introduced. Actually, I don't recall see any such products at all recently.
- Second verse, same as the first. Flushable wipes aren't flushable, but I also completely agree with you that they're the only wiping tech that works!
  Bidet at home, and I carry a small pack of flushable wipes in the vehicles. If I have an issue and must use a public restroom (avoid at all costs, because ew) I take the pack of wipes and a small bag with me into the restroom. Throw the used wipe in the bag, throw it away when done. The bags come from a roll of those bags you use to pick up dog poop. Hell, when we were in Mexico, all the restrooms, including at the hotel, had signs saying not to flush regular toilet paper, to throw it away. Not such a stretch after that! Lol
- I've got to be honest I've just perfected the art of wiping my backside.