Trans megathread for the week of September 30th, 2024 to October 6th, 2024 - Sacred Echoes posting!
Trans megathread for the week of September 30th, 2024 to October 6th, 2024 - Sacred Echoes posting!
When I decided to host the mega again a bit ago, I had no idea what to make it about (of course). So it fell between two topics: a post on the importance of sleep, or a post on just how much I love Fire Emblem: The Sacred Echoes. Well, I felt like the importance of sleep was well-known, and could always wait for the next time I host a mega. I wanted to make sure I hit the Sacred Echoes iron while it's hot, because I've almost finished my play through at this point, and it might genuinely be one of the best games I have ever played.
Sacred Echoes feels so polished, considering it's a fan-made romhack of Sacred Stones, with the goal of bringing the 3DS game, Shadows of Valentia (SoV), to the GBA. Everything about the game aesthetically is very well-done, from the portraits, to the battle sprites, and literally anything else that could be thought of about a game. This includes new character writing, which helps the game in areas where Shadows of Valentia was a little, well, off. That's what I want to go over first, and although I've made a post before, I had only played a little bit of the game. Being at the end, I've noticed more things, and grown to appreciate this game even more than I already did.
Let's start off with the relevant (and interesting) bits: Sacred Echoes actually does a really good job at representing a variety of backgrounds, while also being diverse in a way that doesn't feel like it's simply to have a token character. This game doesn't suffer from the cracker curse, for example. Although most of the characters are white, there is more than one person of color (
) . In terms of LGBTQ+ representation, it's even better. There are many gay/lesbian characters, whose sexuality actually plays a role in the plot and how they interact with others. There's also an aroace character, Lukas, who goes through a whole arc of self-discovery in his support conversations (support Python). It's good stuff, and not things I would normally expect from a Fire Emblem game. I hesitate to bring up the (possibly) only trans character in the game, Jesse. HOLD ON, NO HESITATION AT ALL! I just decided to do more research, and I wasn't just projecting. He is 100% trans, and it's in supports, and it's relevant to his plot and backstory, so it's just like the rest of them, thank goodness, I was worried he was a token. So yeah, support Clive and Jesse. Good stuff, and good luck getting to the end of the game so they can actually meet, one fights for Alm and the other for Celica...
This is Jesse
Here's some dialogue between Clive and Jesse, in the context of a will:
Clive: Only the following will be yours - your mother's wardrobe, her jewelry box, and all corresponding contents.
Jesse: Urgh. Even from halfway in the grave he's trying to tell me what to wear. So yeah, he's still the same tyrant he always was. Hasn't changed a bit.
In terms of character background, it's more diverse than one would think, and it addresses the issue of feudal class. Not all of the characters are nobles, and one of the main characters is a commoner from a random village. The plot regularly deals with the fact that nobles and commoners do not get along. However, it does not try to redeem most nobles. If they aren't proving themselves with their actions, they're probably shitty. Even if they are supposedly "one of the good ones", there's usually some underlying prejudice that comes out when you might not expect it. I love it so much, and I am extremely impressed that the plot doesn't try to redeem nobility as a whole, but rather allows the noble characters within the cast to have character development that feels less like justification and more like re-education.
Pictured is the class traitor Lukas absolutely destroying Fernand
For other details about the story, I'll link my original post. I don't want to drag this on too long, and I mention most of the improvements there. It also includes where to find the patch for the game, and how to play the game for yourself. If you enjoy SRPGs, or are new to the genre, I recommend this game. It has an easy mode for the newbies, and hard mode for those of us who hate ourselves (/s), and a normal mode for everything in-between 
The Echoes cast is amazing, and I love how they interact with each other and the world. Each character stands out, and they feel unique in their relationships with the other characters. Even characters that suffer in SoV, like Faye and the Masked Knight (has a name but it's spoilers), benefit from the Sacred Echoes writing, making them actually enjoyable characters. The villains of the game are also great. I don't want to go too deep, because I don't want to spoil too much, but they aren't just pure evil, and for that I applaud the SoV writers. Berkut is probably the highlight of the game, being the heir to the throne of the empire. I am once again asking you to play the game, because IT IS SO GREAT, and I would not have expected these good of villains to pair with Alm and Celica, as well as their armies.
Pictured is the Masked Knight being a gay little guy. The other guy (Saber) is threatening his life...
Everything about the game design is also amazing. It's GBA Fire Emblem, so the animations are peak and the pixel art is stellar. The maps are improved from the original SoV maps, and they are definetly much better, and much less repetitive. Classes in the game are fun in how they work, each character being able to promote 2-3 times. Mages also work really uniquely and well in this game, with spells costing HP to cast. They learn spells as they level up, rather than by purchasing tomes, which makes for (in my opinion), better gameplay. Sacred Echoes also adds the GBA weapon and magic triangles!
All in all, Sacred Echoes is a great game, and even if you never ending up playing it, you now know of its existence. It stands out as a great romhack, as well as a great Fire Emblem game, AND it has the gay. Can it really get better than that?
If you want my original (and more in-depth) analysis, check out my original post. It's mostly about what Sacred Echoes improves upon the original Shadows of Valentia.
Hope you enjoyed my little nerd-out session, and have a good week everyone! 
DOWNLOAD SACRED ECHOES: https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fo/o9v75blehaid1re2i8qou/ALhV8LN1A59jdFIP6HYRH3c?rlkey=d7fl1m8qh9gl7ztmnim33euu1&e=1&dl=0
PATCH TO AN EXISTING SACRED STONES ROM: https://www.marcrobledo.com/RomPatcher.js/
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
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hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!
the list as it stands:
Eco* (10/7 - 10/13) oscardejarjayes* (10/14 - 10/20) HelltakerHomosexual* (10/21 - 10/27) GayTuckerCarlson* (10/28 - 11/3) Luna* (11/4 - 11/10) * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters
Hello everyone 👋 I'm a refugee from the bloodthirsty land of reddit and very happy to be here. Will take me a minute to adjust to people not constantly war mongering for battles they will never fight in or assuring me that "Putin is just bluffing " (but also will take over the world if he isn't stopped )
Oh and killing children with Battery bombs is "Kingsman shit"
Anyway if my account didn't get approved here , I was about to have my doctor contact the mods and request emergency approval on the basis that reddit is giving me brain cancer
⚠️ Alert ⚠️
⚠️ My facial hair is falling out ⚠️
This is not a drill.
I know I just said like two days ago the laser therapy wasn't working, but it just started falling out, and now there are hairless patches.
I am entering reverse puberty. The hair came in patchy, and it will leave me patchy.
Pour one out for a real one, folks
My beard had a legendary run 
Wish I could gift it to a transmasc, but it's only fate now is to be subject to the ion cannon.Piercings, mildly nsfw, I whine
The cool queers, chat! I found them, in our town!!! They aren't just in my phone, they exist at the tattoo & piercing place!!
And it is a terrifying reality
I could have died holy shit. Cool queer trans tattoo artists and piercers where my wife was getting nipple and tongue piercings, and I barely managed to speak a single fucking word.Mostly I stood petrified by terrible anxiety while the bespectacled apprentice kept stealing looks at me. I am usually a pretty plain gay, dorky, it confuses me that very cool queers would perceive me. I kinda wish they wouldn't, almost...
I felt The Tism really powerfully today, I could really perceive every eye contact fail, it was harrowing weh. I felt so so fucking awkward, didn't even know where to stand smh. It became very clear very quickly that I would probably fumble any interaction with actually cool people and I should stay inside. Be
and talk to cool queers online only. I'm not just allergic to grass, it threatens my life.Also apologies to anyone who thought I was cool, I am actually a total dweeb
I've reached an important milestone!
CW: Self harm
It's been over 2 weeks since I last cut myself. The large, gaping wound I got from last time scared me so much that I've pretty much completely lost the urge. It opened my eyes and made me realize I was going down the wrong path. It feels so nice to no longer be dealing with this, it really just made everything worse for me.
misgendering, dysphoria
Like a good third of my peers at my job aren't even attempting to respect my name or pronouns. Like even in the slightest. And it's actively making me feel so much worse than I felt before I asked this of everyone, which low key has me regretting coming out.
Before I changed my name there, I was sort of ambivalent to my birth name and male coded language. I recognized they weren't my preference but I didn't hate them. Now that I have an environment I go to every day where everyone there knows my preferences and I have an expectation as to how I want to be interacted with, I feel so distressed when that expectation isn't met. I can't stand to hear people call me my dead name anymore. And honestly this goes for everyone. Now that I've gotten a wee taste of that expectation, it feels like such a punch to the gut when anyone calls me that, even people who have no idea I'm trans. I have never longed for the instant gender swap button more in my entire life. I HATE that my body is preventing me from getting basic respect. For fuck's sake. Also would it kill the guys to stop insisting on calling me "man"? It seriously feels so intentional at this point.
One of them opened a text yesterday with "Hey [dead name]," which they have never historically done. They usually just open with what they want. It's like, is everyone so insistent on actively demonstrating to me that they could not care less about me?
It's not all bad I guess. I know who my real ones are now. The ones who have been so wonderful and who originally made me feel so good in the first zoom call after my initial request.
I tagged this with dysphoria because honestly I'm still not quite sure what qualifies as dysphoria.
Hello lovelies.
I'm a week away from my 3 month HRT anniversary now.
I have lost 50+lbs and now fit into a lot of the femme clothes i bought my wife that i secretly wanted. She's been teaching me how to dress and it's so wonderful being so soft and loving myself limitlessly.
Went back to being a vegetarian which makes me happy.
I grew my own boobs and am v chuffed about this. They show no signs of stopping!
I discovered that some colors of purple shirts make my eyes look magnificent. I almost went to my grave not knowing that!
I am getting pretty good at putting on the false eyelashes and my voice is slowly getting there.
I don't really like shaving but i'm learning to epilate and i like that a LOT my arms are soooo smooth now.
I love how differently i get treated now. I love seeing myself in the mirror.
I love being trans. I love being a woman so much. I love and treasure all of you little bears for helping me get here. <3
I'm on the gender carousel. Hi! Good to see you all again!
Since my facial hair has started falling out, I'm in hard girl mode again.
Tbh if I just keep bouncing between girl and NB, I'll be perfectly happy
cw weird
very weird
stop clicking this.
alright your loss loser
I really REALLY like head attention. When she is carressing my dumbass head, I do not feel the need to speak or anything. One of the comfiest states of being, I'm pretty sure. Scritches are great, a lil bit of tousling is great, palm on the cheek and fingers through your hair, all feels so good. Very chill thing, I live for it.
transphobia, weaponization of detransitioners
The disproportionate amount of media attention detransitioners get is so frustrating, and I hate how often my parents insist on bringing it up such articles. I hate how my parents always try to defend and justify the gatekeeping healthcare system. They always have to play devil's advocate and try to "see things from their perspective". I've told them before that detransitioners are a small minority, yet they keep bringing it up.
I would love it if they could just shut the fuck up and never talk to me about anything that has to do with being trans or transitioning ever again. I'm so done with cis people, can't trust them for shit.
estrogen has been putting me into such a good mood that i'm genuinely starting to get a little concerned. Like, it's fine for trans girls to feel a little dysphoric sometimes, you can have a bad day, you can feel a little sad. But no, I'm honest to god feeling incredible all the time and literally nothing life has been throwing at me is turning that mood down! Wow!
Me and my sister decided to have a "girls night" last night, and it was really fun! We paired some of the clothed I had bought earlier, played some card games, she painted my nails, and I showed her some of my newer character designs. I feel a bit bad, because I kind of info-dumped here, but she said she was interested. I don't know whether or not it's true, but I'll take her at her word.
voice dysphoria
I saw one of my co-workers while we were out getting clothes, and I responded in a certain tone of voice that sounded really good to me. I tried holding on to it for as long as I could, but it slowly slipped back into it's normal sound 😮💨. I was actually almost crying in the store, the combination of everything just hit me really hard.
I was arguing with people who play vampire the masquerade. One guy was concerned his character punching someone would attract too much police attention, I laughed and said the cops would probably not notice an assault. Someone else chimed in that you had to suspend your disbelief and remember this is a heightened world of darkness - because, to him, of course the cops would investigate every split lip.
I was... mystified by this gulf of experience. I've been in fights, I've seen fights, I've tried to report assaults many years before I got on ACAB. Cops don't do jack shit, they might show up 15 minutes later and MAYBE take a statement. But these other two insisted that, no, the irl cops would get you to court and you would get recompense or justice if you were assaulted even off one punch and you running away. Which is just not even close to what I've experienced, not just in urban centres that have that as a reputation broadly but even in my small home town and small college town. The only thing the cops have ever seem to done is harass the homeless, be annoying or crack skulls about drug charges, wellness checks and escort for bankruptcy/getting evicted, and maybe homicide.
It was very illuminating - in nursing school we had to take a class on things like poverty and it's impact on health, we had to play a game where you were a single parent and had to make it through the month without debt. My classmates couldn't do it and thought it was unrealistic. I made it but made choices like skipping dental care and car repairs so my kid could afford lunches or a new backpack - all normal stuff I've had to do or my parents had to do.
There's this charmed class of people that think there are social safety nets or someone is out there to protect you. But it's all a glamour (unless you're wealthy I guess), if you EVER need it it's not there for you. The appearance is there so people don't riot I guess.
Sleep is important. That's why I always make sure to stay up late, scrolling through this website. I think I've encountered a paradox, where I'm tired but I have things I want to do. My brain then cannot process the fact that I need more sleep, or remember the fact that always have to wake up early in the morning. The paradox continues, I get more tired, I need more sleep, I can't process why I need that sleep, I keep reading, on, and on, and
on, and... 
This is gonna sound very trite to anyone over 30, but from my first grey hair over a year ago, I now have several, enough to be visible in my bangs.
My current plan is to do nothing about it. Idk if there's a better one. I do feel like I'm slightly too young for this, in an "I'll be ready for greys in my 40s not now" way, but evidently that's not the case
sex
Okay, so I broke my volcel pledge and got with this guy I know and I just feel kinda lost. I was very nervous and he was good at reassuring me and making me feel less anxious, but the sex was pretty bad for both of us, and I'm not sure if he's really that into me, and I didn't really get to try any of the things I wanted to. I also maybe overshared some things by the end, and ended up making things weird. I'm sure we'll stay friends, but I wanted this to be something really fun and satisfying, but instead it was mostly awkward and confusing for me
glados shouting she's been turned into a potato was the original pickle rick
awful new type of girl. i do not agree with this woman for what it's worth
woman who is upset about everything going on in the middle east because the news mega is outperforming the trans mega
Surgery consult
Phalloplasty
Good:
The surgeon was very confident about creating the phallus itself and my arm is indeed a good candidate - that's good. My arms are pretty thin, so I'm also hoping this will avoid the indent that comes from the transition from skin to scar after surgery. I really do not want an arm scar. It upsets me tbh, but there are such drawbacks to each technique that RFF (forearm) is my preferred method. Thigh would be too thick for me, shoulder gives no tactile sensation, abdominal is low to no erotic sensation. RFF gives the most in tactile and erotic sensation and can be a small(er) dick too. All results can look good, but I'm so consistently impressed with RFF results.
Worrying/bad:
In previous communication, he said both urethra lengthening (UL) and scrotoplasty were higher risk and there's not much of any published research or methods for this post vaginoplasty. Today he said neither would be possible, but I pushed back and reminded him that he said there's a chance, so he conceded there is a chance. I probably did a bad thing, but I let him know that I'm willing to take on the risk because not even trying is not worth continuing to live imo (I said it nicer than that). He wants to talk to my therapist to make sure I'm in a good place in case things do not work out (losing scotum, UL fail, etc).
- Scrotoplasty uses the labia skin and he's concerned of bloodflow issues considering these are not natal labias. I've been reading today that there is another technique that can also use the clitoral hood as well if you're getting clitoral burial, which I want. I wonder if he's thought of that, since he didn't bring up burial or not.
- UL is the rough one. I've seen many people post about months of being on catheters due to strictures, fistulas, and other complications. Messing with the urethra really seems to be just risky all around. Many transmasc people in particular told me if I don't have stand to pee dysphoria, I should forgo UL entirely due to the complication rate. The issue is I don't think I can fully feel connected to my dick if I can't pee out of it. Maybe I can find a path if I tried and failed for UL, but not trying at all isn't an option.
If I can't get scrotoplasty, I can't get an erectile device. Unlike my willingness to look for a path in a post-failed UL world, I will not look for a path without an erectile device. Nobody really likes to hear me say that, but it's my life and I'm the only one who has to live every day with what's on my body. I hope he finds some optimism after talking to his urologist, my therapist, and me again. He also wants me to talk to his urologist soon too.
Other surgeons?
There are other surgeons as well, but not as many my insurance covers currently and if I'm being honest I'm so worn down. I'd like it to be where this all happened in the first place. It makes sense symbolically. Speaking of symbolism, the very last item related to surgery/recovery that I didn't throw away was my dilators. They give you them when you leave the hospital. I hate those things so much and the dumpster outside my apartment didn't feel strong enough to get them away from me. So I held onto them until today and threw them away in a trash can in the hospital. Begone.
Now back to waiting
electrolysis
Okay so first I take back everything I ever said about electrolysis hurting less than laser. My skin is so angry right now
Pain ratings by area:
Upper lip, above lip line, towards outside width:
Upper lip, closer to philtrum:
Philtrum:
Philtrum, closer to nose:
Upper lip line:
Cupid's bow lip line:
This is supposed to be the most painful area so I hope the rest isn't as bad.
MY BRAIN CANNOT HANDLE THE EXISTENCE OF MINECRAFT CREATE
MINECRAFT AND INDUSTRY
AND YOU CAN BUILD TRAINS?? AND TANKS?? AND SET UP INDUSTRIAL PROCESSES TO AUTOMATE THEIR CREATION AND AUTOMATE RESOURCE EXTRACTION????
AHHHHHHH autism autism autism im fuckin dead on the floor
oh 5 hour youtube video on a minecraft create playthrough this is my greatest weakness
if i descend any further and actually get it ill either drop it after a week or never talk to other people again
Styrofoam has to be the worst material ever invented by humankind. The little bits stick to everything and the noise it makes it’s like nails on a chalkboard. I’m going to be covered in it for the rest of the day
Coming back to Hexbear after a few hours and see I have multiple notifications
"Oh shit, did I say something funny or inflammatory?"
hey that girl in the mirror is super pretty and i want to show everyone but i can't post a selfie because that is a nono on hexbear.net and i would turbo doxx my ass
wholesome dysphoria
ughhhhhh we have no boobs
accidentally hits boob with phone
affirming agony
Transgender Stalinism drabble
Im sorry dad, Stalin is my father now
If god was real and loved us, they would reincarnate Stalin. Whenever someone makes a bad criticism of the USSR I get 1% more stalinist
When you get in that stalinist mood and jokingly play with naming yourself after feminized version of stalin's name. Transgender Stalinism.
Tranistion 5 year plan to build gender socialism
I am a proud trans woman and scientist of Marxism Leninism-Mao Zedong Thought ! Marx, Engels, Lenin, Stalin, and Mao can anyone have better leaders? Who has changed history more than the 5 heads of Marxism Leninism Mao Zedong Thought? Can anyone but us brag to have such great leaders? Father Stalin belongs to us and us alone! The Nationalists and revisionists will weep in fear and frustration as the inevitable return of the great banner of Lenin and Stalin return to wipe them from history! They slander us out of fear, because they know with Stalin by our side and Marxism Leninism as our worldview the working class will be unstoppable! Long live Lenin! Long Live Stalin! Long live Marxism Leninism! Long live Communism!
I am eepy out of my mind and idk why my brain decided tonight was SLAVA STALIN night but im chillin with it
Has anyone else here ever clocked someone because of how cool they are? There's this creator I like who I won't name, but I always suspect she's trans whenever I watch her videos, because it just seems implausible to me that a cis person could make such great content when it comes to certain topics.
Shopping for makeup online just reminds me of how
whitemuch of a KKKracker I am. I keep overestimating my skin tone and ordering tones that are too dark. The solution would be to ask someone at a store for help, but anxiety is a problem. Hopefully 3rd time is the charm.Also got the Luna plush. My cat has already begun attacking it.
me coming home from the thinking too much about women i don't reasonably have a shot with and probably aren't into me competitionI finally realised that I have utterly lost control of my hair. It's more than twice as long as it was five years ago, I use a comb and oil and stuff and it looks fucking terrible. It's a huge frizzy mess and the bangs work less than 30% of the time and the ends are probably split and the curls barely stay even though I skip combing unless I shower, arrrgh it looks so much worse than when it was just down to my chest, what the fuck. I do not deserve it.
trying to post and scroll less, so i logged out on my phone and deleted my browser shortcuts to hexbear. still letting myself post on the computer for now.
i started orange book, it's clicking with me so far. get the feeling i'm gonna unhinge my jaw and consume it in the next day or two. (my copy isn't even orange though, wtf?) first time in a good while i've read a book that came out this century lol.
Sometimes I'm talking with my wife, and I say "Hexbear has a perfect emote for this!" And I have to open it and show her
Boymoding in my gay lil' hoodie with my gay lil' haircut fooling all these cissies.
Goofyass
Was lookin' down today while wearing a knee-length skirt, tank top and flannel because I look really good. Like woah, flatters my figure. What if it was always like this...?
So I took a few POV pics, which don't precisely convey how good I look or how it feels, fuckin' phone camera. It's nice to have the memento though, I should experiment with it more.
next survey should ask if you are pubby or not
Making fun of misogyny
My little sisters moved to my old city! I loved it, I told them about how one of our distant cousins runs a cool metal bar, about some of the neat spots, or the haunted house this month, the good summer festivals, etc.
One of them started wearing a day collar. Which... good for her, but its weird for me to see anything like that - I held her when she was a baby, I dont want to know ANY side of her like that. I know what it was and I knew she liked being marked by her former boyfriends (cause she liked having displayed hickeys etc).
Then I had the most horrible fucking image of me returning to the scene in that city, going to some munch and seeing my little sister there. Oh my god. I don't think I can ever return to the scene until they both move 💀
Woke up late today
cw depressive work venting
Work has me extremely bummed out recently. I got hurt a few weeks ago on the job. Ultimately it was nothing, just a few big bruises on my legs and chest. But it could have been so much worse. I was plodding a long behind a building and fell into a sump pit full of runoff and sewage. I didn't even know it was there. It should have had a grate over it, but it didn't, and I couldn't see it because the water was just over the brim. Minding my own business and suddenly I'm over my head in sewage, gear oil, and parking lot runoff.
I was forced to stay late and go there. It was a Friday. I wanted to go home. But no instead I fell in a pit, ruined my uniform and soaked my boots. I have a change of clothes but not a change of boots so I had to finish the job in soggy boots. All in all, the whole experience made me severely rethink what I'm doing and my job.
I was already planning on looking for a new job soon, and this whole experience turbocharged my resolve. So I updated all my contact info and resume and started applying. A week later I got confronted because I left my resume as searchable on indeed and my boss was pissed. I had to walk everything back and pinky promise I was happy with my job.
Ever since I've been in a weird depressive funk. I'm starting to feel better and shit but idk I'm still pretty upset about it all. There are a few jobs that have called me back but I'm still waiting on an interview with any of them. I'm so tired of coming home tired. I'm so tired of hiding who I am. Its hard to want to show up to a place that laughs at you when you could have drowned. It's so hard to want to show up at a place that would fire you for coming out as gender non-conforming.
fatigue to the point where I'm considering getting mobility aids to help mitigate it. tomorrow i will call some occupational and/or physical therapists and see if I can get an appointment.
Just ended things with my partner. My first serious relationship, we were friends who suddenly fell madly in love and u-hualed 2 weeks after we started dating. 1 & 1/2 years later and we simply aren't right for each other, we want different, incompatible, things out of life and out of relationships and neither of us is changing anytime soon. I knew this needed to happen and I think they did too, but damn, it hurts a lot and damn, do I still care about them so much despite us not being right for each other as partners. We were such good friends before we started dating and I have no doubt we can reamain so, and that dulls the pain a lot, I would probably be inconsolable if that wasn't the case. Kinda drunk and I need to wake up at 5am tomorrow for work, but venting to trans mega will surely help my mental B). U all are cool. Good, and transgender website.
pathetic
I'm so down bad for the friend I hooked up with earlier this week. I check my phone like every second minute to see if he's messaged me, and every time he does I hope it's him asking me over again.
I'm not 16 any more, I should be able to be more mature especially when it's just a casual thing. It's unfair that a cishet makes me feel like this tbh. I hope it's just a small crush and passes quickly.
I used some of my pent up energy to clean a bit. I don't really feel better but the space I inhabit is a bit nicer
bottom surgery talk
the longer i've been on E the more and more faintly I've been for the idea of getting SRS for no other reason than my dick just feel so useless now. Like, I can still use it just fine but god damn it just feels like too much work to use this thing without any testosterone left in me. I might as well switch it out for a hole
do you know how nice it sounds to be able to roll out of bed and toss on a pair of leggings without worrying about tucking? that sounds great. honestly 80% of my transition goals are just things that make me look femme without putting in any effort
that and god do i feel the need to get bred now wtf
I'm on a trip, and I didn't pack my electric razor.
I'm gonna meet up with some old friends, and my beard is falling out. Some parts have grown out normally, some is shorter, and there are large patches where it's not growing at all. I look like roadkill lol.
Wonder if they'll say anything
If they comment, I'm just gonna tell them I'm in the middle of transing my gender
I hired a voice training coach for a session.
Hope it motivates me to practice
body image, weight adjacent stuff, probably unhealthy ideals
I took my measurements today and I'm so glad I did. Body fat redistribution is so real!
I was really apprehensive, because last time I took them, a few months into hrt, it was really disappointing to see my waist-to-hip ratio would be considered somewhat unhealthy for women even though I was already thin and it would have been good by male standards. Now it was between 0.74-0.75, and I'm so happy! I know my ass has grown and my waist has gotten a bit smaller, but it's nice to get a confirmation that it's not just in my head, and that the change has been really significant.I don't think that would be considered a particularly rectangular body type even for a cis woman and it makes me reconsider some things, like how I really wanted a BBL even though I know it's a pretty dangerous surgery. Maybe I'm delusional but I hope I can reach 0.7 with excercise and more time on hormones.
surgery post op
Nearly a week post op for FFS, pain is surprisingly manageable, but the exhaustion hits me like a freight train at random points throughout the day. In addition, I think that I slept harder last night than I ever have at any prior point in my life.
Only discomfort is the swelling around my nose and the nigh biblical swelling around my chin. The nose should subside in a few weeks, and the chin will gradually decrease over the course of a year. So excited to see what I look tomorrow when most of the rest of the bandages come off in the afternoon!
How do I explain to my concerned classmate that I'm actually not nervous about this history exam, I just have Autism and ADHD, whose combination makes me restless, while also suffering with certain varieties of motor function, which is why my hand is shaking. And the most critical point of all, someones talking to me? And I don't know them? That never happens, people tend to avoid me...
Still beats the time time this happened with a cop, it was like many times worse because I not only have those issues, but I actually was nervous and this guy thought I was on drugs and started acting ableist when I brought up the reason.
Anyway, I probably should have either said "yes" or "I have ADHD", but instead I mentioned that I have issues with motor function and I'm just imagining her sitting there thinking I've come up with some sort of excuse. I then went on to absolutely
that exam though, soooooo
sobriety/alcoholism
I've barely slept last night, it's still the morning, had an ugly yelling fight and I'm feeling the worst "God I wanna get shitfaced" urge I've had since I've gotten dry
I've got like 2 months plus at this point and I'm not gonna give in but
Willing myself to maintain sobriety and healthy coping mechanisms through sheer white knuckled rage
when i got my prescription for CPA the pharmacist warned me i might get some fatigue for a few days switching
wtf i've been on spiro for 15 years, it just kind hit me a couple hours ago and now i want to sleep forever (and already did sleep a bunch). surely that can't be from switching medication, right??
Little trans update:
The doctor’s visit went well. I was worried about my testosterone levels going up after I switched from cypro every day to every other day, but when I asked the doctor about it he was like “oh, yeah, you’re still under 0.5” so I guess I don’t have to worry about that. Also,
cw: surgery
I finally asked for a referral for an evaluation for bottom surgery. I still have some reservations about it but I’m interested enough that I want to at least get started on getting approval (if anyone has experience with grs montréal (since that’s the only place they’ll pay for) I’d be interested to hear about it)
Also, a random guy followed me off the bus and asked me out for the first time. So… milestone?
Also I might not be boymoding as effectively as I thought :thonk:
tfw you fail the bottom allegations again
Chat, I think I just got attached to another name. I'll leave you all in suspense in case it's just exhaustion...
job stuff
ngl, I kinda like my job when its busy and I'm solving a bunch of things back to back. When its quiet, those are the hard days.
I watched the new jonker
I'll spoiler later bits for those who care, I wouldn't recommend it so whatever. I love Gaga and Phoenix as actors. It was a surprisingly well shot movie with lots of really gorgeous shots - kind of wasted on this. It was funnier than I was expecting, I had some good laughs. Definitely not a need to see in theatre movie, you could watch it when it inevitably comes out on Netflix or whatever if you're interested
I get the feeling the director hated the people who liked the first joker - and then was like
spoiler
"yeah here's your favourite cool guy, he's in prison, and he's a moron, and he's abused by the guards, and his girlfriend leaves him, and then all his acolytes hate him, also a guy stabs him and he dies in a hallway" - the southern layer bit when he represents himself was way too funny. And when he cross examines his little person "friend" from the first film (the one he spares), that was some good fucking acting from Leigh Gill.
I have no idea where the budget went, the first film was shot on $60 million this one was like $200 million. It's bizarre. I have no idea why WB releases this but cans Batgirl or deletes whatever cartoons from their streaming catalog - like, I don't get the choice financially. Batgitl must've been a fucking stinker if Joker 2 makes it through the cut.
Stuck at home with nothing to do and watching college women's field hockey out of boredom, kinda sick even though it's weird how short the sticks are
🏑♀️
thirst 🥺
Not to be weird but they could trample me like a stampede of elegant powerful feminine wild horses and I would thank them profusely for it
🐎🐎🐎🐎
Yes I'm touch starved and have been single for awhile
doomer stuff
Feeling hopeless about social transitioning. I'll never be able to come out of the closet at this rate.
I was so full of optimism and hope back when I accepted that I was trans, but that's all gone now. I can't reverse the damage the first puberty did to my body, and I cannot live my life as a non-passing trans woman. I'll probably just be stuck boymoding forever. What a miserable existence.
Fucking cis people never have to deal with any of this shit. Why couldn't I just have been born a cis girl?
I got vaxxed and am now fake sick, and i just want head skritches and cuddles and attention while my body fake fights fake covid and fake flu with a fake fever, but also my hair becomes this unruly terrible mess when people run their fingers through it (thanks curls (no seriously thank you curls i love you)).
My ex and I had a play we always wanted to write and put on since university, like 8 years of it being on background - we knew some of the story beats and the general idea but not much more than that. It's been over a year since the breakup and I read a book that's inspired me to be able to finish The Space Play (that's the name we always had).
I could write it, when we wrote stuff together I usually went to town and wrote a shitload and my ex would edit and condense. I could do it on my own, but it feels weird to do it and take ownership and bring it onto the page without them... cause it was their thing too. We don't talk anymore and, honestly, for both of us that's probably best. It'd be convenient to run into them and bring it up and get the benediction to do it (or not, but I still have a pretty good idea they'd say yes) but I have no idea where they are in the world anymore and I have no intention to seek them out anyway.
i hate, hate living in amerikkka without a car
Pronouns are
/ 
been getting a lot more funny looks at my nametag at work recently. I'm not out at work but I think even behind my facemask and untrained voice some people can get put off by my masc leaning androgynous appearance on the clock
It's even funnier when they look at my nametag and get slapped in the face with my unisex dead name and get no help in trying to gender me. Oh well. I'd rather be perceived as androgynous than masc anyway. Actually coming out and starting on proper voice training should help that a lot
Man, this week is off to a bad start for me.
Venting
Setting aside the travesty in Lebanon/Palestine, my lower body is still sore from my workout on Sunday, my counselor is out so today's appointment is canceled/needs to be rescheduled, and my cat's dental issue is causing me no end of anxiety. I need to work on my thesis, but my productivity is trash rn. I want to order a women's top, but trying to figure out what would fit me without trying it on first is a nightmare itself. Not to mention that I really don't know where to shop for women's clothes online, since Amazon is a minefield, especially with my current size.
At least I still have the med consult tomorrow.
On a brighter news, the base coat for nail polish finally arrived, so I was able to repaint my toenails and they look nice now. For my hands, I am just doing clear nail polish for now.
getting more confident with liner. discovering puppy style (hehe) a while ago was a game changer for my hooded downturned eyes. practicing feels more doable and less scary than ever now that i have a liquid liner pen and a pencil liner, as well as a great oil cleanser to remove it easily. the oil cleanser is effective enough to even do little adjustments/fix errors easily with a q-tip. feels good:) got to crack eyeshadow next...
also i have a hair appointment tomorrow that i'm super excited about. keeping most of my length but i need a trim badly and i'm finally gonna be getting the deep cherry red/copper colour i've wanted for ages! i think it's gonna suit me super well.
Transsexual interpretation of being trans:
The real friends are the [insert gender] we made along the way
weird, nsfw, anatomy
I don't really know how I feel about sexual anatomy, I guess. I don't have real positive feelings toward either set of anatomy, (and not much of an opinion about alternatives) they both seem kind of weird. No interesting in inserting, no interest in being inserted into, no interest in any sort of oral sex, so I dunno. I also feel weird about the fact that vaginoplasty would bring my body closer into line with cisnormativity? Maybe that's kind of stupid but as I grow to like my body more the concept of most surgical processes (other than orchiectomy) seem weird, Idk. Like I have really clear feelings of wanting the fuckin balls gone, but how do I feel about everything else? I have no idea, a mix of 'weirdly ambivalent' and 'against cisnormativity' about it? I dunno what the right thing for me is anymore. I don't think I feel that much dysphoria about it? That I think all came from people and society and whatever constantly putting my anatomy into the "Male" box by way of terminology and connotation. Really a moment where I thought of
tbh. Plus, uh, the concept of being flat anatomically down there actually sort of distresses me? Not that I adore this, and tucking to be flat would be cool aesthetically, but I think that may be all?I edited this a lot btw it used to say something else :)
Deathnote but it's a slice-of-life anime where Light keeps getting in wacky contrived scenarios where he keeps almost accidentally using the death note and Ryuk gets the shinigami equivalent of getting edged for 500 episodes
Looking back at all my comments on Lemmygrad.
Finally coming to terms with the fact that I am actually trans.
Lmao, you thought. You're still wondering.I decided to shave just my hands to save time, and it is so not it.
business venture: twitter for people who don't know they're trans yet. eggs.com
Pronouns
Hey all, so I've "just" discovered i'm some kind of enby. I'm looking at the list of neopronouns and am wondering how y'all chose yours? like, is there some kind of secret meaning to all them or is it literally just "I like these, so I will use them."
I'm probably gonna stick with she/her in public for the cissies, but I figure if the option's here to pick other things, why not, right?
also: enbies with he/him/she/her pronouns, I'm curious as to why you stuck with them?
Atrophy in My Childhood Bedroom: A Star Wars Story
thank you @ashinadash@hexbear.net for recommending Nevada... I'll probably finish it tomorrow. I've been reading it nonstop even brought it out with me to my hair appointment. I love it even if it made me sob for like an hour last night lol. gonna be thinking about it for a while. thank you.
I had thoughts again sorry sorry sorry
If it's possible to be burnt out from thinking about your problems and attempting to solve everything yourself, I am rapidly reaching that point.
And I still don't know who to talk to or what to say. I feel shame for not knowing what exactly to ask. It's like there's The Perfect Question and I'm a kite in the wind until I find it. I just want to change. Everyone sees this big hairy guy, I wish they saw me.
my boss was off today and so we had the guy come in who covers when one of the bakers is off.
we finished at least an hour earlier than we would have, because unlike my boss the guy covering him actually does work
dysphoria
I have been so dysphoric recently, it's hard to describe how disconnected I feel.
I really hope I'm a girl, I don't really understand why I worry about that sometimes.
In good news though I've been practicing my driving so I can get my license :3 I'll get to be one of those car driving gays, hopefully I can keep it up.
exhausted for no reason
Im tired and exhausted. Ive only been up for 5 hours, and only been doing stuff for 3 of them. I havent done much, just visited my mamas kittens and played with them a little (theyre very skittish), dropped off some film to be developed, and grabbed a burrito.
Why am i so exhausted? Why does everything tire me out so much? Some of it is obvious, like the english tourist who kept looking at me and then whispering&giggling to her friend, but that shouldnt be enough to exhaust me. I know I can do more than this, so why cant i?
Hiiiiii everyone! I've missed you all but I've been hanging out in the Tracha room on Matrix. More of you should come join us :P
OK. So I found another one of us out in the wild. I think, I'm about 90% sure. He (he still wants so be referred to by his dead name and he/him pronouns) has made comments about republicans not liking "people like me"*, and based on this and appearance I had a hunch. I was not going to press, of course, because I didn't want to out him or be pushy. Today he made a comment about my name saying that I had it correct for two weeks and then they started messing it up again (in paper). I said that it felt weird, because I haven't gone by that name for a while. He then tells me that it must feel bad (I realize I've been clocked at this point)**. I said that it wasn't too bad, most people still use my name in speech, and that's only in writing. He then tells me he hasn't bothered to tell others his name yet. It was at this moment that I realized my hunch was correct. He says he hasn't gone by this name anywhere else, and it's been three years since he took it. Doesn't want to have to deal with harassment from the other people there (totally get that). I asked if he wanted me to use his name, and he didn't tell me. Probably doesn't want it being said at a bad time, which I understand.
Either this, or he's just talking about a name change and I'm completely interpreting this wrong, but I don't think I am. I think I finally got clocked, and the time was finally right (loud-ass glorified golf cart in the middle of the woods) for him to ask about me. Unfortunately for him, this is completely pieced together based on what I think I heard, and I have no idea how far the conversation got because I unintentionally tuned him out a bit trying to thought-process, and I struggled to focus on his voice over the sound of the wheels and the engine.
But hey, at least there's ONE other person in my life who is probably trans, because I swear I was starting to think I was the only one.
*He's a radlib
**Despite using my proper name, and having visible boobs, and wearing nail polish, and sometimes eyeliner, the cissies still think I'M CIS.
Oh but the Xenofeminist Manifesto is so good though:
0x0B
A sense of the world’s volatility and artificiality seems to have faded from contemporary queer and feminist politics, in favour of a plural but static constellation of gender identities, in whose bleak light equations of the good and the natural are stubbornly restored. While having (perhaps) admirably expanded thresholds of ‘tolerance’, too often we are told to seek solace in unfreedom, staking claims on being ‘born’ this way, as if offering an excuse with nature’s blessing. All the while, the heteronormative centre chugs on. XF challenges this centrifugal referent, knowing full well that sex and gender are exemplary of the fulcrum between norm and fact, between freedom and compulsion. To tilt the fulcrum in the direction of nature is a defensive concession at best, and a retreat from what makes trans and queer politics more than just a lobby: that it is an arduous assertion of freedom against an order that seemed immutable. Like every myth of the given, a stable foundation is fabulated for a real world of chaos, violence, and doubt. The ‘given’ is sequestered into the private realm as a certainty, whilst retreating on fronts of public consequences. When the possibility of transition became real and known, the tomb under Nature’s shrine cracked, and new histories–bristling with futures–escaped the old order of ‘sex’. The disciplinary grid of gender is in no small part an attempt to mend that shattered foundation, and tame the lives that escaped it. The time has now come to tear down this shrine entirely, and not bow down before it in a piteous apology for what little autonomy has been won.
It's flowery, and Idk if it says anything super revolutionary or new, but I am a sucker for strong language. (Look how grandiose!) Also it has the line "let a thousand new sexes bloom!" in it.
my pronouns are she/her/
/you can he/him me once per week as long as it's funnyI keep deleting shit (sorry) I won't do that for this one.
bottom dysphoria, venting
I hate it so much. Its disgusting and awful and I hate it. I want to cry but I can't.
BOOMER ALERT but I miss when Pokeymans had properly good art direction. They fuckin RUINED all the art for gen 3, chat. I forget where the info comes from, but it's something about, the artwork for sprites and stuff was newly considered as "reference" art, to be used in marketing or other games or whatever. This is presumably why Pokeymans circa gen 3 and on have much less dynamic posing, more idle states. Also there's no more watercolour look for some reason.
I hate it, chat
Mental health
Well, got diagnoses for anxiety and depression at my med consult, so I can get SSRIs if want them. The school psychiatrist wouldn't touch on anything else (dysphoria, autism spectrum) so I'd have to shell out for a full psych eval if I want to go that route. Kind of a let down. Will probably just discuss with the therapist and look at the informed consent options in the area.
CW sad or something
struggling af lately and the worst part is knowing I'll be fine. Idk how to be a person, idk how to be a friend, but I know enough to pretend in small, regimented doses. Stay away and nobody gets hurt right.
replaying memories of songs that don't exist.
I'm probably misremembering lyrics and it's been deleted for a reason but if anyone has a link to 'school group computer' by l@l...
I want to die
but if I can't die let me live
and if I can't live let me be all alone
and if I can't go let me hang my head low
My brother is in town and we're gonna hang out 😄
Died on level 97 of dmc5 bloody palace
dysphoria posting
we are fucking awful at being a girl ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (or girls?)
why must life be so hard :c
My personal belongings need a purge. I've gone from being OK with them to them causing me emotional pain so PURGE.
Why did I have to get ugly brown hiking boots, could have at least gone for a black if not a colored one...
I love overanalyzing every interaction with a girl I have a crush on!
Doing schoolwork
Writing about Celica from SoV/Sacred Echoes
This account is too new to make a new one but a good name for a new trans or envy related account would be Yuri Gargarin
long ass venting sadpost about mental health, anxiety/depression/dysthymia, bipolar type 2/hypomania stuff, sobriety
I really wish keeping busy and getting shit done left me with a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction instead of just irritated about whatever the next task I need to work on is. My depression and dysthymia have been a lot better since I got sober 2-ish months ago, but I feel like my brain doesn't know how to handle not being melancholic and placating itself with booze, so improving on depression stuff just ratchets up my anxiety and the elevated energy level makes me feel compelled to keep myself busy trying to improve all the shit I've been neglecting when I was severely depressed. I'm really irritable and feel like I can't rest or get decent sleep, and the more I read up on it, the more I think I'm hypomanic and have type 2 bipolar even though a psychiatrist ruled that out years ago. I'm a really anxious person overall naturally, and without being seriously depressed and drinking all the time, my anxiety latches on to the relative lack of depression as novel and uncomfortable and I fixate on things that bother me more than I used to.
I'm making a lot of improvements in my self dialogue and getting shit done, but I feel like I just can't win mentally or ever feel "good enough" to not constantly be nitpicking my shortcomings and ruminating about wasted time. I feel like I almost completely wasted my twenties and have nothing to show for it other than a detailed mental list of things I fucked up and how I should have done them better, and now I just feel burned out and like I'm mourning every better future I could have had if circumstances had been different and I was more proactive about making my emotional needs known and met. Feeling like "there's a version of me that I could've been proud to be, but I can't reach them anymore from the road I'm stuck on now" is just... idk even know the word for it. Crushing? Wistful?
I feel like all my attempts at self acceptance and love rely on them being focused on Hypothetically Ideal Alternate Timeline me, and me trying to be kind to That Person instead of who I actually am now. Fuck, I dunno, sorry
Anyway here's a cute kitten in a basket to lighten the mood, thank you nice gay internet comrades for giving me a place online where I feel like I'm actually interacting with like-minded people that seem to actually be on the same wavelength as me a lot of the time, that almost is never the case for me irl
contemplating what it would take to have a career as a full-time artist. it's a lot of self-marketing, which i hate; but also i'm increasingly realizing that with my chronic fatigue issues, either i become a full-time artist or i will never have the time or energy to work on art at all.
Venting and dysphoria
spoiler
Frustrated because I ask for advice from my friends about what to wear and I take it, then I express at the end that I might get misgendered and the fit isn't very fem, they tell me yeah I don't look really very fem at all. I wish my body was just right and my face was right because this is not a masc outfit, it's pretty fem, I just look like a man. And sometimes when I express this to my friends I want to hear some pushback? Not like .. oh yeah, that's gonna be a problem for you.
Idk what I want maybe this is irrational or something like though. I shouldn't expect my friends to lie to me
medical/sex stuff and dysphoria
Hemorrhoids are fucked yo. I've been waiting months for a surgery referral for a painful injury I've had for months and months now. Between this and my bottom dysphoria, I feel like a fucking mermaid girlfriend for how much it's killed my sex life. I so wish I could just walk into a clinic or something to get this shit fixed but instead I guess I'll be celibate and in daily pain until my doctor and insurance company figure out WTF they are doing.
It makes me feel so gross and inadequate and I worry that I'm missing some essential step to getting it fixed. Doc said she put in a referral and now I should wait for insurance to pick a butt doctor for me, but I'm still waiting
Kinda in despair
I started playing Celeste for the first time. It's so cute
[CW: club harassment] Weird gender euphoria moment. Recently, I have been enjoying my masculine side in new ways---actually grappling with the fact that it is there, and finding the right way to integrate it into myself. Last weekend, things came to a head at a dance party I was at. I felt very radiant and androgynous and was getting a few compliments and sweetwords from friends and strangers alike. Mostly soft, sweet ones like 'cute' and 'beautiful'. But later, I was hugging a smallfriend and enjoying feeling big. Another one of our friends came up and told us about this guy who had groped them and made a gross comment. After checking in with my friend, I called the guy over and walked him down the block making him leave without needing to get physical at all. It's definitely fraught to correlate masculinity with intimidation and implicit violence, but that is what resonated in that moment and it felt empowering and embodied.
Still sort of processing/unpacking/reflecting.
[CW: discussion of internalized sexism/transphobia] One of my core conflicts in my transition is feeling unsafe out and about as a visibly transfeminine person. I have oscillated between publicly transitioning and plausibly-deniable androgyny most of my adult life as a sort of coping mechanism. I feel a deep-seated connection between masculinity, safety, and the capacity for violence that I am deeply uncomfortable with. It implies that women and femininity are 1) inherently vulnerable and 2) incapable of violence (or incapable of force projection), and that 3) the capacity for violence is necessary for safety. All three of these statements are intellectually wrong to me, but that hasn't percolated down to my base perception.
Hence a lot of my confusion with that night. I think the reason why I felt so good is because I was able to embody and embrace a lot of my femininity while I was dancing and socially with my friends, and then I was also able to project strength and defend myself and others.
Actually, maybe the reason I felt so much gender harmony was exactly because I was able to feel so fully femme AND still be able to be strong and safe. Actually, I think that experience broke down a lot of the schema that I had been holding onto. I was able to be myself and be femme AND be safe and capable of projecting force. Shit!
Thanks for reading my journal-post! Sincerely looking for constructive engagement.
self harm
I'm worried for this week. I wanted to be further along by now. My last thing is healing up. The urges have already been so bad. Just all the time. I really don't want to use a blade this week.
I've been having so many thoughts and feelings, I don't know what's happening to me. I can't think normally.
I feel so awful. I can't place what will fix it. Sometimes I doubt if I want to transition. Is that actually what I want to look like, be? Staying like this is unacceptable though. So what does that leave me with. Nothing.
I haven't figured out how to get hrt. It's not something I can get any more help with from you all either. I feel so awful for not having done what I need to.
How am I going to stay clean for another week. I can't use a knife again. I'm so scared. Why can't I be healthy.
This week feels like it's going to be a rough one.
Hate when I see a fancy looking dress online and it's like 20$ and I know it will feel and probably look super cheap, but what if...
I had something I really wanted to post, but I forgot just as I went to do it
Maybe I'll remember later...
told myself I'd try to get to bed early tonight
still awake ruminating about shit at like 3 am
aww c'mon brain, you know I don't got time for that
I ain't trying to get my regrets sunked right now
This should be my week where the big thing happens. Anxiously waiting.
VERY long orientation/sexuality confusion post reflecting on stuff and trying to work out some identity feels bugging me
Known I've been bi/pan since before first puberty, initially in a repressed dreadful "oh no, I'm kinda gay!" self conflicted way
.
Then in teens in a
"aw hell yeah, I'm kinda gay" sort of way.
Then in twenties in a post-
"aw hell yeah, I'm kinda a lesbian" kinda way.
Now I'm like "shit, am I a romantic lesbian but straight-ish pansexual?"
and am not really sure what to make of thatI feel like in some of the sexuality changes were all part of coming to terms with not being cis, then various amounts of self acceptance increases and transition steps opening up different aspects of whatever my underlying attractions were but it still feels a bit confusing
I wouldn't have had the language or self awareness for it at the time, but looking back now I feel like my gender as a prepubescent kid was pretty much agender and didn't really internally make a distinction of gendered social norms of homosociality for platonic friendships and heteronormative crushes, it was all kind of the same thing. I got along with girls more in terms of communication style as friends and had some crushes on them too, but had the majority of my friends be boys because a lot of the girls treated me different than they treated one another and I was intuitively aware that I was being expected to try to "perform" normal boy-ness even though I wasn't exactly thrilled about all of it.
By my early teens, I was aware that I was definitely bi, and thought at first that having any attraction to boys as a "boy" must mean I'm actually completely gay, and knew a lot of boys at that age then were really homophobic, so I tried being Normal Teen and going on dates with girls a couple times. I actually did like some of those awkward early teens relationships but part of me had the feeling that it was The Right Thing To Do in order to Beat The Allegations, and spending more time with Teen Relationship GF and her friends started making me more aware of Gender and how I Was Not Lovin' It™️ and kinda wished I could change it.
Flash forward to late teens, coming to grips with being pan and how I felt that fit me best as a label, then starting to unpack my gender identity, at first as "hey I'm a girl lol" and trying to perform binary feminity, then realizing that was getting warmer than "kinda fruity boy" but still wasn't quite right, then landing on enby and gettin' a lil' weird with it.
Anyway, now I feel odd about whether or not I could end up in a serious romantic relationship with a man or not, and/or whether I'm physically compatible sexually with queer cis women or not.
orientation, dysphoria about sexuality
I haven't had a long-term BF before, and idk if dating a guy and a masc-er than me enby that both didn't quite work out soured me on a more masculine partner as a romantic prospect in the future or not. Sexually, I'm into it, but interpersonally I just feel a lot more comfortable being emotionally vulnerable and comfortable with women/femme-ish enbies. Even pretty queeny queer guys I've been with still do some guy shit that puts me off of pursuing more serious relationships sometimes.
With women/femmes, I feel safer emotionally and like cutesy romantic bullshit with them, but sexually feel uneasy that they don't really see me as myself and are just entertaining my identity to be nice. I can be really attracted to someone, and part of me is still always negatively comparing myself to her/them subconsciously and making myself sad, or fretting that they're internally trying to figure out "how male I am really" and that either being something they're apprehensive of in a more lesbian way or something they're more into In a straighter way and are keeping close to the chest to not offend or upset me. I know that kinda shit is probably almost entirely in my head and I should communicate more and trust people when they tell me they like me, but my brain is great at screaming at its own ass.
tl;dr
-find feminine ppl beautiful and love doing cutesy couple romantic shit and talking with them about feelings and stuff but get sad comparing myself with them and feel uncomfortable if I'm ever implicitly expected to be more masculine than I really am sexually. I don't want to "be the guy" in the bedroom ever, and my sexuality towards women can make me dysphoric.
-find (some) masculine people very attractive and find intimacy with them gender validation a lot of the time when it's like "them, definitely masculine and naturally comfortable with that being into me, who is clearly Not That" and that kinda being enough sometimes, but finding them lacking in interpersonal emotional range or their interiority? Idk
I have come here to write a long gay ass post and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of bubblegum
Thanks for coming to my TedTalk
surgery
Five days post FFS, they removed my mummy bandage. I’m still so swollen, but am crying about how different I look. A hostess already referred to me and my friend as “ladies” instead of guys. Actually crying from joy rn.
gonna go to a bunch of dancing stuff tomorrow 😳 i am scared but i want to be supportive
why do I only find the funniest tik toks while my wife is in bed asleep next to me at 1am. I'm dying trying to hold in a laugh at the dumbest shit
The amount of times I put on a sweater and thought it's pretty thick, so i won't need to wear a bra under it, only to take a glance in the mirror and realise I do in fact need to wear a bra under it. It's annoying, but gives me a little dopamine hit at the same time.
autism whining
Why does doing laundry have to cost so many spoooooons (answer there are people outside and it's very tight timing)
Why does going out to do anything have to cost so many spoooooooooons (answer there are people outside and it is sensory hell)
The grass allergy is only fitting. When I first learned of spoon theory my immediate question was "why the fuck is it spoons" and as near I can tell it's just because that's what the lady who explained it had to hand at the time. So, spoons.
What if you had no spoons and just rolled around instead
oooh, girl pants are so stretchy, these are nice :)
i have a primary care doc for the first time in 5 years! hes well known around here for gender affirming care. diy E was easy but im gonna go legit for prog and maybe bica. i started hrt a few months ago so he ordered my first hormone panel. also ive been exercising and eating better! feeling rlly good abt life rn :)
Not sure if I have pigeon chest going on or top surgery from a few years back had an unfortunate moment, one pec looks weird, been trying different exercises so I can get different parts of the pec to come out but the edge closest to the stomach refuses to pop out. The other side is flawless and there's hardly a scar.
my meds adjustment made my sleep schedule go to shit so im currently pulling an all nighter to fix it yipppeee
HE SAID THE THING!!!
Also have to admire the work on his portrait. Berkut goes from being normal to looking like this when he says UNCLE!!!
ive got prescriptions for 2mg of estro and 100mg spiro but ive heard specifically that 2mg estro is not enough. Is this true? whats the proper dose and a way for me to get that? like do i just double dunk the pills?
should i ask for an injection? what the fuck is an injection and how is that different?
MEDICINE STAHP BEING CONFUSING
cw CLASSIC FICTIONAL TRANSPHOBIA SHIT
As a kid I read Breakfast of Champions, and maybe most people hear Vonnegut's name and think of the Dresden bit from Slaughterhouse V. Me, I think of the HARRY WAS A TRANSVESTITE bit from Breakfast of Champions. I think I knew then that it would be possible, even likely, to encounter random pitfalls like that anywhere in popular media.
Screaming
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Is there any better feeling than the feeling of filling out a pair of comfy ass panties?
Lord this is better than boy underwear. Just the right stuff being covered up, feels nice.
Started reading Not Like Before by Lily Seabrooke and Jacqueline Ramsden
it's been pretty slow thus far, they finally made it to the island so hopefully things will escalate
the premise of a stoic cis-woman professor and bubbly trans-woman actor is very good though, definitely a fav. She's been stealthing through this whole thing thus far, that's definitely going to bring up drama eventually and I'm a messy bitch who lives for that shit 
in my fictionPeople and non-people, you can't change your profile picture if I don't recognize your name. I use your avatar to figure out who you are.
Maybe a sort of out there take but consumers hyperfocusing on movie/song/game length is them looking at things through the lens of productivity and efficiency and the reason for that is that they've turned consumption into it's own job.
Almost smut
and gently adjusted the gold day collar around her neck. The collar itself must have been expensive, it seemed everything Mistress had bought for her was
Gold day collar huh? Wonder what it looks like... Oh that's kinda cool. How much does it cos- FIVE HUNDERED DOLLARS??? FOR A COLLAR????
damn, 15 year old me was kind of cracked at art
Nursing a probably unrequited crush is still not going great :yea:
I don't think I've had a proper puppy love style crush in a long time, I've played around in the crush zone but I can let it go so easily in a way I couldn't when I was like 16 to 20 - I honestly feel bad about how easy it is for me to discard feelings, I couldn't before. I haven't had someone occupy my mind in that way for so long. It's not like being (SOME NUMBER OF YEARS) older than 25 means you can't get in that mind state, maybe just the grind of life and hurt makes someone less able to really fall into that kind of optimism and hope and vulnerability again.
original idea: a youtuber who actually puts the effort in to learn to pronounce foreign words
"i'm not even going to try to pronounce this one haha" lazy and pathetic
This girl is full of unspeakably horny thoughts today
Question about tucking. Genitalia. NSFW
How does tucking work pre-HRT? I've looked up some guides, and I want to wear women's bottoms/underwear, but it seems that random erections would be a major hurdle. Unfortunately, that is something that I do suffer from (and I am looking forward to HRT to fixing). Cis people obviously do tucking for drag, so there has to be a way to do it even when that tissue is still running on T.
I hate having orthostatic intolerance
youtube has started turning that shitty ambient mode on by default, and i have to turn it off on every video. it looks like dogshit on a 4k monitor
day 4 of cpa
I shouldn't have pre-emptively cut all the pills. There is dust all over, lol.
The fatigue seems to be wearing off for me... And the surprising emotional things are settling too. Maybe I'm just exhausted tho
Chest pain is still present, rounder chest here we come maybe or maybe not idk lol
I just went to a wedding for the first time post-transition! It was a straight wedding but the groom was a theater kid (we go all the way back to high school) and there were a lot of queer people there, the officiant was trans, and I was there with my best friend who also got to present as their preferred gender at a wedding for the first time, but in the opposite direction. Kind of a small event but it was fun and I got to see some familiar faces and reconnect with some folks.
In the past I've hated weddings and been all curmudgeonly about them, and tbh they're still not my favorite thing, but being in a dress made it a lot more enjoyable. I don't know that I have any single people I know that are at all likely to get married in the foreseeable future, so it's a bit late for me to come around on weddings but that also makes me really glad I made it out to this one.
It helped so much, I cried a little at some of them. Felt very cared about 
never looking at myself again I s2g...
i didnt used to be like this, goddamnit i hate burnout i hate it 
I have been feeling so hopeless and it sucks.
