Who cares about red flags in people. What are your green flags

They treat service people well.
- I was going to write this one.

they read books
- Oh man. I wish i could read a book!
  
  What's keeping you?
- After 4 years of engineering I'm scared of books now....😂😂😂
  
  The trick is to read something that's fictional and less dry. Fantasy would be an excellent choice. Sci Fi if you still enjoy things slightly more grounded in reality.
  
  valid lol, sometimes gotta take a break for a while
- As a fellow reader, how do you identify others in the wild? I feel like my method sucks...
  
  They're reading a book
  
  My method is very simple, just looking for people who sit and read in trains, cafés, etc., most people who do that tend to be people who like to read books.
  
  I just talk about books I've read when relevant, or during the "whatve you been up to?" small talk.

- This. Someone who is willing to come down to my ignorant level in a subject and reward me for my tiny effort and interest in it, is an immediate win in my book. Though it is a hard line to cross without going into smirky/mansplaining territory.
  For example, Veritasium videos are always fantastic, but I can't get over how the man smirks when he explains concepts, despite the fact that it's his natural smile.
  
  I have a friend who teaches high school history and has traveled a lot. She's great at this! I feel like i can talk to her about almost anything and she never makes me feel stupid.
- Somewhat related... I work at a garden center and my manager is a professor of horticulture. When I transferred to her department, I thought I would be learning so much, but this woman has no passion for teaching and is cynical about everything. She sucks the life and fun out of work. Luckily I enjoy working with my other coworkers, and everybody likes me better than they do her.
- I do this when I play MTG or board games with people. I'm not like professional MTG good or anything but it is the kind of complex system I tend to do really well in. I want to have fun too though so a lot of times I end up trying to control the board in a way to make my opponent think about specific challenges to overcome to defeat me. Gives me something to do that isn't obliterating them and they get to have an engaging game out of it too

They are happy to see you!
They handle stress and disappointment well.
They don't externalize their frustrations, and take responsibility for solving their own problems. They act like a functioning adult.
They have interests and hobbies that they are happy to do alone, or share.
Unfair - but they don't have intense money, drug, social pressure in their life, a stable situation is the good grounds for relationships
bonus: If their parents are attractive, then they could be a good partner who ages gracefully with you
- That bonus really looked like it was going somewhere else for a second there.
  
  bonus: if their parents are attractive, you have a potential thruple opportunity to fall back on if the relationship sours.
  
  "Then you might have a plan B if the relationship doesn't work out as expected"

Uses vim?
- I, too, appreciate a clean bathroom
- Now I'm not dating someone unless they can prove their vim skills. Probably I'm gonna die alone.
  
  :wq is the equivalent of sexting you
- I only date someone if they have successfully entered, and exited, the gates of vim.
  
  What if they did it once like 10 years ago then immediately changed to something else to preserve their sanity?
- And she is lesbian

If a person carries their trash with them until they stumble upon a trash bin they instantly have a plus in my book.
- That's such a low bar, i feel sorry for your past
  
  It is, but it's pretty alarming how many people I see not doing this :/
  
  You might be surprised

Kindness to animals. Just all animals, generally
- I mean, I'd say that knowing not to overeat is probably a good thing, but I'm guessing you mean it from a vegan/vegetarian context, and I'm just gonna say No. No it does not mean that. In fact, veganism is something of a yellow flag for me. I've known vegans who were good people, but I've known a disproportionate amount who were insufferable, self-righteous pricks. I recognize there is a bias there in that there are probably vegans I met whose dietary lifestyle I've never known about, but that's already besides the point. Veganism is not a green flag
  And if you didn't meant that, then I really am curious as to what you meant by "unnecessarily"

The simple virtue of being able to genuinely express these words; "I don't know", "Sorry" and "Thank you" (or any derivative of these*).
- Being able to admit a mistake is huge, being able to genuinely apologize without some cop-out disclaimer is even better.

vegan
soft spoken
patient
hands scarred/calloused from work
creases in face from smiling
casual manner/attire
walks around other earthlings on footpaths etc instead of through
puts their shopping trolley away, bonus if they round up others
mocks authority
is kind to children and listens to them seriously
- i see your mocks authority and raise you an acab.
  these are good green flags. I see the flak youre getting from folks doing the whole "make fun of vegans on the internet" thing, and wanted to say that the vegans Ive met irl have been really chill folks that are willing to make sacrifices for a better society. idk why vegans get trashed on online for sharing the long list of pros for veganism, as if people don't share opinions online all the time.
  personally, I'm on a reduce animal products in ways i can with an occasional "treat yo-self" day, but that's mostly because ive lived a lot of my life being poor and havent always been able to select my own diet.
  excited for more lab grown options, and I love when vegan options exist because they are usually unique, delicious, and dont have dairy(am allergic).
  
  We're all on our own journey. I spent 25 years eating, wearing, or otherwise using our fellow earthlings to various degrees before I realised I didn't want to be someone who kills when I don't have to.
  I am grateful for what kindness you practice and I hope you will continue to reflect on your relationship with earthlings.
- Sounds awesome!
- Mocking authority is a green flag?
  
  Of course, authority is a pretty fucked up concept as implemented in our society. It's almost always nothing more than the threat of violence for not subsuming your own needs to the needs of another. The other usually claiming that privilege through nonsense like birthright, wealth, closeness to power structures or similar.
  Anyone who uses such a ridiculous thing is at best a fool. Calling out injustice and laughing at awful people is definitely a green flag.
  Consider say the difference between interacting with a cop and a firefighter. The cop claims authority, do what they say or be tortured into compliance. The firefighter has no authority and yet I'll bet you trust everything they say a lot more than the cop and are far more willing to cooperate.
- Yeah, that sounds like a fun dude (I'm assuming dude given the kind of work he does). I've never met him, though.
  
  my wife is the light of my life ^.
- What do you mean with
  walking around other earthlings on footpaths etc instead of through
  Is an earthling a human, an animal, a plant or subsets of those three? And what is walking through an earthling?
  I'm geniuenly curious, I have no idea what you mean.
  
  Earthlings are all of us, all sentient beings. We are from earth, we are the earthlings.
  Like not just plowing through birds foraging, or lizards sunbaking, or ants doing a nuptial flight or whatever.
  Considering others' right to use space equal to their own.
- Vegan is a red flag for me.
  
  Same. I prefer partners without willpower
  
  Good to know you're both cruel and insecure. Thanks for sharing with the group
- You said vegan. That explains the downvotes.. And you said it as the first point even. Next time leave it for last!
  
  I'm not going to hide my values. They're not shameful
  
  At the time of writing, the comment only has 32% downvotes.
  Lemmy is a lot more vegan friendly than most places on the internet.

They're self aware. Understand the difference between subjectivity and objectivity. When they encounter someone different, they don't judge, see it as a learning opportunity. Put thought into their words. If you ask them a question, you can see them carefully thinking about it.
- Everyone judges, it's how you act upon that judgement that is the mark of your character. Anyone that says "I don't judge" is either full of shit or means that they are self aware of their biases, conscious and subconscious and don't act upon their judgements.
  Judging people is a natural part of being human and impossible to not do.
  
  And to add to that, all the characteristics listed their green flags - characteristics used to judge people.
  
  I would just append that judging people is a good thing, often blanket misinterpreted as a bad thing. You should make an initial judgement upon meeting someone (it doesn't really matter, your subconscious will anyway). The important part is being willing to update that judgement based on learning more.
  
  I've spoken about this with my girlfriend. She mentioned that we shouldn't judge a book by its cover and I get what she was trying to say but everyone judges and to a certain extent everyone should judge. It's how you act upon that initial judgment and your willingness to append it that shows your character.
- There are many kinds of intelligence. Social, emotional, etc. I'm betting you're really good at some things I'm horrible at.

Only kicks upwards, not downwards. Has a backbone and principles. Doesn't value money over meaning. Likes to teach people instead of putting oneself over them.
- I agree, bot.
  
  Please dont racist toward bot. His race is bot. He is born as bot. He can't choice to be born as human

Expresses disagreement with people talking shit about others when they don't have to

People who treat others who cannot benefit them well. For example, wait staff.

Actually intelligent, reads books, sense of humor, actually listens.
- I love my ereader but I miss the days when you could actually see what someone was reading. It was like a book recommending a person
  
  Someone reading a book doesn't mean the book is good.
  I have a book written by a mentally ill person I met, just because I wanted to have more insight into his mental state.
- You don't measure it. You compare it to your own intelligence and see if it matches.
  
  It's like art, you know it when you see it.
  
  When they say it. If somebody says "I'm very smart" or "I'm very intelligent", you know the answer.
  
  Excellent question. For me, it has a lot to do with their sense of humor, general outlook, and their problem solving. ymmv
  
  Have you heard about IQ Test.

No particular order:
Being a furry/furry sympathetic.
A science major of any kind. IMO the S needs more love in STEM.
Ever overhear them say "walkable" in a positive light.
Hobbies besides media consumption
Not "too cool" to learn something. Likes learning for fun.
Not to concerned with looking cool or badass, either. Look at CHUDs, I made a joke the other day that I can sense a decent bit of residual 90's 'tude in modern CHUDDery, and I think I'm onto something.
- Likes learning for fun.
  where do I find other people like this? where am I supposed to go?
  
  Makerspaces? Maybe just hang around at bars near your local conference/convention center?
  
  To nerd forum, i guess, like LessWrong.
  
  One of my least favorite things about my ex is that she hated learning. Like why? The world has cool things, why would you not like learning about ANYTHING? You don't realize how much it sucks to date someone that is unwilling to learn new things for fun until you deal with it.

Treats everyone with respect regardless of what their perceived status is.

I should probably add my own. They like plants
- Oh yeah, must have. Bonus points if their house plants are prickly or poisonous.
  
  The problem with dangerous plants is you need to warn people not to touch the gympie gympie.

When they call you because they're at the supermarket and you might want something.

They talk about Pokemon in the first date and will defend gen whatever while still calling it shit.
- First Gen, the game is fucking broken as fuck. But it's also the most memorable and iconic one. I think with little tweaking in types and mechanics in Gen 1, you could have the perfect pokémon game.
  But since it was the first, a lot of shit wasn't discovered and explored.
  
  This is what Pokémon Let’s Go is, a modern refining of Gen One Pokémon. If that interests you, it has already been made
- ... Yeah... We totally can't anymore.... 💦 Oof...
- Red flag for me. I'm all for people having hobbies, but bringing up niche hobbies from childhood would not be great. I'm sure 2 fans would get along great. However, it would be odd to bring up with another adult who is not a known fan.
  
  Why is Pokemon exclusively a childhood thing?

Their soul is sufficiently supple for the ritual.
- Girl, are you covered in the entrails of a sheep to sacrifice to the Lord Glycon to wake him from his sleep, or are you happy to see me?
  
  I never thought I'd see another SexualLobster fan in the wild.

They're a fucking weirdo like me and so don't mind being goofy a good bit of the time.
- mine is similar, they laugh at my jokes and can also continue them

They can laugh at themselves. Not to the point of self deprecation, but they can acknowledge when they're wrong or dumb

Having red and yellow or red and black flags on their clothing/accessories
- Why is being Belgian a green flag?
  
  No, that's red, yellow AND black
  To avoid any further confusion, red should be the base color, the yellow a cute symbol and black a triangle connecting three of the corners

They actually show up, or, failing that, tell you they aren't going to show up and summarize why and when the next best time is.

I feel like everything is a green flag until a red flag pops up. Like how an open road is functionally a permission to cintinue driving.
There are things where I get excited about a person, but even then red flags are more important. "Never admits to wrongdoing" and "Thinks kicking down a door and screaming at your partner is an appropriate response to leaving a mug in the wrong cupboard" is going to flatly be more important in a relationship than "does activism" or "is house trained".
That said, I don't like arguing all the time and do organising stuff irl, so it would be nice to agree politically on a bunch of things. Responds to texts/messages and seems excited to build conversation with me.

Good range of spices - preferably slightly more than they have enough room for.
- I live with a chef, we have more spices than I can keep track of. We keep them in small mason jars, dozens of jars, jars everywhere. I don't even know what like 1/4 of the spices are. Sometimes I just go through smelling them being like 'sure whatever the fuck this is smells like it would go well in this dish'

its more of a long term green flag but whenever someone listens to me, like brings up something i mentioned ages ago or whatever, its just a nice little thing i appreciate a lot

Cutting the bullshit and getting straight to the point. If I wanna play games I have a playstation.
- Amen to this. Life's too short for stupid BS.

communism, support for palestine

Liking ska punk
- Everyone has a favorite ska song.
  Whether it's Soundsystem by Operation Ivy, The Impression That I Get by Might Mighty Bosstones, or any of the popular Sublime ones. Ska is just fun to listen to and you can't change my mind.
- Green flags, not Black Flag!
  Yes, yes, don't start with genres.

They smile at people they meet in a genuine "have a good day" vibe. It lifts people more than you know.

Eager to discuss the cool things they've read.
Able to make me laugh.
Cleans up after themselves (I know, low bar).
Communist of some stripe.
Superficial but:
Physically stronger than me.
- Would you say audiobooks count as "read"?
  
  Y'know, I've never thought about that before.
  I guess, I would.
  
  Close enough in my book!
  
  this made me want a full reading of lenins work by stephen fry

When they pay back what they owe without being reminded.

They are open to the idea that they could be at fault in any given situation but neither always assume they are nor always assume they are not.
- That's a very fine line to walk.

They communicate honestly

Texts me and makes plans instead of me being the one who has to.

Huge cock
- If I don't have my own, will store-bought do?

They're a Wobbly.
- Hell yeah, IWW unite!
  I mean, I guess they are already, aren't they?
  ...Success!
- A WHAT?!
  
  A member of the Industrial Workers of the World.
- Workers of the world unite: An injury to one is an injury to all.

Enjoys the outdoors
Child Free
Has a dog
Atheist/Agnostic
- “A person can perhaps succeed in hiding his sins from the world, he can perhaps be foolishly happy that he succeeds, or yet, a little more honest, admit that it is a deplorable weakness and cowardliness that he does not have the courage to become open-but a person cannot hide his sins from himself.” — Kierkegaard, Two Discourses at Friday Communion

A desire to learn.

I think the way people talk about themselves vs. the way they talk about others is very telling about their personality. Being positive and humble/making fun of oneself while being positive about others is a huge green flag.

They join banter in a comfortable way without using character assassination as an authority/persuasion grab.

They care about other people

Kindness and looking out for others even when they don't have to.

Informs you about stuff proactively and you don't have to pull everything out of them yourself

They are self-aware, willing to change and learn, and have a rational, logical view of things. It's rare to meet people like that, but they are by far the best people. Someone's philosophy on life is probably the best descriptor of a person.

Italy and Bulgaria come to mind
- Old Lybia flag?

Their fingernails. It sounds weird, but you can tell a lot about a person by how maintained their nails are. If they have long gross unkept nails, it says a lot. Versus trimmed and clean nails.
I always do dinner and a movie for Date 1. At dinner, how do they treat the staff? Are they kind, do they thank the worker for their help? Do they tip well? Do they take forever to pick an item off the menu? When I offer to pay, do they initially counter offer for them to pay or us split at least?
I'd just ask them their thoughts on trans folks wanting to participate in the Olympics with their same gender. The way they react to a hardball question pretty quickly outs any red flags.
- what is your answer on 3?
  
  Suddenly this thread is playing with fire lol
  
  I will try. This comes up frequently these days with my Trumper friend, so this could be valuable to discuss here.
  I think it would be fine for them to compete provided we can ensure a level playing field. I don't know what that would entail, but studies should be done to get it figured out. Is it a blood draw for testosterone levels (maybe not.. sometimes that's naturally high for either cis gender)? Maybe estrogen? Maybe it's number of years post transition, though I see difficulty defining the start.
  Definitely a tough issue since if we get it wrong and be too accepting or not accepting enough, many athletes will suffer. I would love to hear some more ideas and thoughts on this. I'm tired of getting shot down trying to talk to this guy.
- That’s interesting. I was a long time nail biter, and I only recently managed to stop, I literally never before had cut my nails. Even when I was a baby, my mom bit my nails, she was like 15 when I was born and didn’t know how to adult. Do you have any tips for taking care of nails? It’s all new to me. So far I’ve found that filing them is worth doing, and my hands get way dirtier now that I have a place for dirt to hide under.
  
  Proud of you for breaking the habit! Not sure if you're masc or fem, but I'm masc and all I do is clip them before they get too long which helps prevent the buildup of dirt. Nail clippers also usually have a little scraper attachment that works great for getting dirt out when you notice it. I've never felt the need to file my nails, but you may prefer the extra smoothness!
  
  Your mom did what?

Books. If you go to someone's house and they don't have books, don't fuck them. - John Waters
- Massively. My first manoeuvre when I go in someone’s house is to look at their bookcase, and judge them accordingly.
- I read ebooks 😢

I don't think I've stopped to think what the different flags for people are for me. It's just something I've instinctively known and haven't really thought about
- My thoughts exactly. It's an unconscious split second decision if I want to get to know someone or not.

Eats ass
- :9

Interested in learning and willing to change their mind when presented with new information.

Atheist
Common sense of humor + loves memes/shitposting
Loves computers
Self confident
Good looking
Doing (cardio) sports
- “In our times, as was remarked, no one is content with faith, but ‘goes right on.’ The question as to whether they are proceeding may be a silly question; whereas it is a sign of urbanity and culture to assume that every one has faith, to begin with, for else it were a curious statement for them to make, that they are proceeding further. In the olden days it was different. Then, faith was a task for a whole life-time because it was held that proficiency in faith was not to be won within a few days or weeks.” — Kierkegaard, Fear and Trembling
  
  I'm too dumb to understand this. Can you explain please?

Appreciates spiders and other crawlies.